Thanks for understanding and leaving a note. It helps to know someone shares these feelings, but I'd rather neither of us felt this way! Shelf life... ahhh.. maybe the reason they would just go away on their own is because they weren't meant to be real to begin with. The were meant to make them feel good..escape maybe. H said she has personal problems that he can relate to. He wasnt looking for anything meaninful.. he has that with me. Our MC told me one session when I was talking about being ready to give up that I'm going to have to deal with my problems with or without H. In effect, I can run, but I can't hide. I'm responsible for my part of the relationship and 50% of the R it becomes. It's the same way with our H's. Eventually, they'll realize the same obstacles and things they need to change no matter who they're with. But since we were meant to be their lifemate, we should expect ups and downs and most likely will weather them if we work together. A passing affair isnt supposed to have rough spots and it's much easier to let go than a R you have a lot invested in. It's all a fantasy to start with... an escape. I mean, the OW will see the same faults we do eventually. That and the R is built on a foundation of distrust to begin with. I asked him specifically why it wouldn't have lasted. He gave me a list.. she's only 24, she's immature, he's got kids, she doesn't and he can't have any more, they work together, they both have R that they are caught up in and working out (her's is an ex-BF), the sex wasn't enjoyable, the thought was exciting, but it just didnt feel right. (and yes I do believe that.. I told him if he's gonna have a one night stand he should at least make it memorable..geee!). And after all of that he said that I'm the one he's supposed to spend the rest of his life with. His best friend and his soul mate. I'm the only one who really knows him and still loves him the way I do. We have history, and sometimes it's nice to think about running from that, but then when you are away from it.. you realize your heart is just empty because warts and all, you're in love with that person and can't deny it. I did see that his R with OW ended and on its own. They ended it because they had an argument. ONE argument. She thought he had told someone at work about them, and he found out that she was kissing another guy that he works with.. snuck off with him at a co-workers cook out and everyone watched them from a window.. lol Nice girl, huh? They had a heated discussion about whether he was telling people he slept with her, and he said their friendship obviously wasnt good for anyone. They haven't talked since, so my H says. Doesn't sound much like they were building anything lasting, does it? They couldnt even see each other without worrying what their co-workers and H's family would think.
I moved on after our divorce 5 years ago and started dating someone. At first, it was everything my marriage wasnt. It wasn't comfortable.. it was exciting. He did everything I needed and made me feel loved. After a few months though, I started seeing his faults and he started seeing mine. I started missing my H and how I always could depend on him. I missed all the reasons I married him.. and yes, I even missed his flaws because they were predictable and a known evil in our life. Holidays weren't holidays, sex was weird, I didn't want to deal with new bad habits and attitudes. It got tiring and I think it would get tiring to our H's after awhile too.
You wanna hear about my meltdown this morning? Get ready, it's a beauty. I got a call at work about 10:00AM that our S5 was sick at school. I called H because he only had a few hours until he was off and alot more vacation time than me. He didn't answer his cell.. normal for him. I waited ten minutes because he usually has it on vibrate and calls me back. He didnt call... I tried again.. and again... left msgs. Finally I called the emergency number at his work. One of his supervisors answered and I asked for H. He said "J isnt at work today". I said, "hhhh.. OK" and hung up. I tried to call a friend who works their and got his voice mail. Called H back..no answer. I thought about it.. he gets up and leaves for work at 4AM. If he was going to take off to do something else, he'd have slept in and played sick. Well, I called a dozen more times over the next 5 mins.. feeling more and more dread. I finally left to pick up S5 myself. H calls. I said "where are you?!" He said "Im at work" I said "Tom said you aren't" He said "D*$^NT!! I know where I am.. Im standing right outside the airport. I said "well, I should come see!" and he said "go right ahead!.. you'll find me where I always am!" Then he said.. do you want me to have Tom call you back and tell you I'm here. and I said "sure!" Didnt think he would. But he did.. well, not Tom, but one of the ladies called from the work number. "ughhhhhhhhh" Blew that one! I was so p*ssed! Mostly because we have a R where I don't trust him more than I trust someone else. I ranted for awhile about how Im tired of this and him working there..blah, blah..wasnt very nice.. but I kept it short. I turned the cell off to think for awhile. He called later and asked if I'm feeling better and offered to take a couple of days off to concentrate on looking for another job. He said "I'd hate for this job to be the downfall of our R"
He's on his way home now. He called to test the waters and see if I'm still upset. I'm not.. I feel foolish, really. I don't blame myself for feeling the way I did, but I could have taken a deep breath before assuming that he was out doing something he shouldnt be. Lesson learned. Like I said in your thread.. I need to keep asking if Im someone I can live with. If the tables had been turned.. H would have been calling friends and hospitals worried about me and not thinking I was out screwing around or something. He's been faithful to me more than he's been unfaithful.. I need to keep that in mind!
Thanks for listening. Hope you are thinking positive thoughts and remembering a great weekend with your H... you deserve to live in that happy place
