Well, it's Sunday evening. The boys are in bed (sigh). Had a very good weekend emotionally.. physically I'm tired. Wish my S19 would call from college!! He hasn't called as much the last month as he did his first year, and I miss him. He's always been my best talking buddy.. just to hang out and laugh. I think he's burning the midnight oil playing video games with his friends. I worry about that, but am resigned to let him do his thing and just be here if he needs me. I'd give him a call, but I called him earlier in the week and he couldn't stop typing to talk! I'm just praying that he'll continue to keep his grades up and his scholarship. I actually worry less about him being responsible than I do H. Strange, but true. And wow, I didnt even realize I was missing him and sad that he hasnt called until I got on here to journal.
My vent.. tomorrow is Monday and H will work with OW. Mon-Weds.. I HATE Mon-Weds! But, I'm determined to not vent this on him and point out how he PROMISED he'd find another job soon and get away from her. 5 months of sadness, anxiety and anger on this issue. I don't want to feel this way.. I know he isn't talking to her, but the feelings are there. I feel like an idiot for putting up with this. I feel stupid and vulnerable in this spot.. it's like all he has to do is say I love you.. blah, blah.. I'm trying.. blah, blah, and I roll over and say, I understand.. I'll be patient. I just want to shake him and tell him that I'm hurting and I need him to never lay eyes on her again. It makes me feel like running from our R thinking about feeling this indefinately. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why I'm feeling this way. I know he isnt talking to her.. I'm not sure if I'm afraid that he will or not.. I dont' think so. I dont think he's paying much attention to her at all, but still I have this nagging ugly feeling when I think of him going in there tomorrow. Fear? hmm hmm hmmm.. not sure. I'm also not sure if it's just that I want him to have to leave as a form of revenge or payment for what he's done. Anyway, I'm not going to snoop because Im feeling anxious. I've got to work on not letting him control my emotions this way. I choose to be here with him and this is where we are right now. I'm thinking that maybe the problem is that I view him going to work as a way that he says he doesn't care about my feelings. I keep thinking if he cares and doesnt want to hurt me, then why won't he get out of there and do his part. It's easy to care when it doesn't involve actually showing someone you care. But, that's one of those extremes I've been journalling about. He has shown he cares.. especially today. He left me alone to nap this evening when I got a major headache. When I woke up he was making the kids dinner and told me to relax. Yes, he cares... he is just not moving as fast as I'd like getting another job. sigh.
