Yes, better! What I feel is FREE. When H refused to come home and came home and left again, it set up a fear in me that I haven't been able to shake. I'm free of that now. I'm letting myself believe what is believable about our R and question what is questionable. I talked to him yesterday about me being a person of extremes and he confirmed that. He's said as much in the past, but I didnt listen or understand what he was saying. He also went as far to say that he thinks it's something that comes from my childhood. I think he's right. I haven't thought about it at length to work through it, but just knowing that I need to be concious and not be an always or never kind of person helps. I haven't snooped the phone records or his personal email in the last couple of days, and I don't want to right now. I feel secure again knowing that we're here working on it and there are alot of positive things happening. I feel free to accept that he loves me deeply even though he sometimes doesn't show it, makes bad decisions, or lies to me. Those things are problems and obstacles to a good relationship.. they aren't an indication of our commitment or love for each other.. they are weaknesses. He has his, I have mine, but we are two people who believe we belong together and want to work our our differences. That's much better than me choosing to believe that he doesn't love me because he lies to me, or he doesn't care about me at all because he's hurt me. Major PMA change on my part.
I had to drive 60 miles yesterday to take D11's flute for repair. Didn't realize the shop was that far away, and we usually try to be home when H gets home. We weren't, but the reason I mention it is because halfway home I decided to stop and let the kids play at a McD's that has a huge play place. I didnt call H and let him know we were stopping and we stayed for over an hour. Usually, this would lead to a lot of cell phone calls from H worrying where we were, but he didnt call once. Even when we were an hour and a half late.. he didnt check on us. I thought he probably fell asleep watching sports or something, but he didnt. He was giving me space.. not rushing us.. not being impatient and that is a change for him. I always feel guilty if I'm gone longer than I think I should be, or if I make him worry about us.. I get anxious and let him control me like that. He is a just "so/so" kind of person and if we get out of routine he gets irritated.. doesnt say anything, but I pick up on his mood. He's trying to be more laid back about that for us and it shows.
After we got home, he mentioned the convo we had before he went to bed and said he laid awake thinking about it. He said it changed how he thinks about us too knowing that our relationship is something more significant than any other we've had or will have. When we divorced 5 years ago, I started dating and he has carried a R I had with someone else around since then and felt insecure and bitter about it. I had no clue because he didnt share is feelings with me then. It came up every once in awhile, but, me being me.. duh, I ignored it. I felt like I was justified because we were divorced and never realized how I hurt him by moving on so quickly. Being here and reading DR, I realize that even though we separated first, I was a WAW then, and he viewed our relationship as an infidelity, but because he felt responsible for our divorce, he couldn't really say much to me about it. He has felt like "I got what I deserved" and at the same time, he was angry, hurt and rejected. We talked about that R the other night and cried.. I apologized for hurting him like that. And I told him that we can talk about it as much as he needs until he feels better. Even though it's over 5 years later, we still need to deal with anything that's affecting us now. And, I don't look at it from the point of view that I don't have anything to apologize for.. if I hurt him, I want to do whatever I can to help him heal too.
The dishonesty issue. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Did H lie and make me angry first.. or did he tell me some bad news and I reacted with anger that he couldn't deal with? Not sure who was the first to break the trust first, but it is a matter of trust. He doesn't trust me to accept what he tells me in an understanding way. We're admitting together that we've created a vicious cycle. He's admitted that he's been secretive and wants to change. I've admitted that I've been a b*tch and there's no excuse for that. And, I'm slowly accepting that one lie doesn't mean that everything is a lie. There's a pattern to what he lies about. Finances.. bad news.. mistakes. We need to discuss this more, but for now, I'm trying to be supportive and positive and show him that I believe in him. Build him up instead of tearing him down. He's talking, talking, talking. He's basically become a "share your feelings" addict..lol. In his eyes, we're closer than we've ever been and communicating better. I have to figure out a way to trust and believe that too. I can see it.. but I let the problems we still have to work through hinder my acceptance of our progress.
Gotta keep living for today! Gotta keep plugging away.
