Where to start? Anyone believe I would resist R talks with H? haha. Im sure no one believed that for a second! Except me. I tend to overestimate my stength unfortunately. Not to be confused with stubborness.. a thing I'm learning that I have a lot of. Do any of your family members every joke about a personality trait and you "kind of" know you're that way, but don't understand what they are saying completely? I'm starting to see that there is substance to all of the kidding I've gotten over the years about being stubborn. The MC calls me tenacious. Sounds good enough..lol. H has asked me to let go of the past and to move forward with him. That is leading me to look at what exactly Im clinging to. There's a lot. A lot of armor that I cling to and maintain on a daily basis that has to go. I think that is what people are referring to when they call me stubborn. Not that I'm not an understanding person or that my mind can't be changed.. not that I'm not open minded and consider other's opinions.. I have lived my life as an "either, or" type of person. Ie., either he loves me or he doesn't. Either he's lying about everything, or nothing. We're either happy, or unhappy together. I have a very hard time existing in that space between. It's hard to explain. But I think it's the reason why I waver between wanting to be with H and wanting to leave. I'm a "rip the band-aid off" kind of person. I can handle being in one place or another, but to be in a kind of limbo and deal with uncertainty is painful. It's probably painful for everyone I guess. But for me, it makes me feel completely insecure and lost. I don't resist change, but if change is going to happen, I want to get it over with and know where I am. Security. This break.. step back from H.. it puts me in that place between being with him and being without him. OMG.. is it possible that I could exist in a relationship without guarantees of one extreme or another. I think that place might be called confidence.. just knowing that I'll be OK in either place, whichever it might end up, and not being in a hurry to find out which. And I'm hoping the more I'm able to be in that place, I'll stop pushing to leave when the going gets tough, or stop clinging to him when he gives me a glimmer of hope that he's changing. And back to the stubborn.. it's like Im standing on a cliff and the past is behind me. I'm afraid to let it go and take that leap into the crevice and float there until I get to the other side. I either want to stay where I am and I know what Im dealing with, and that this is crappy and H can go on to the other side on his own.. or I want the fast train to the future where we are together and happy again. I have went from one extreme to the next... telling him that I forgive him and know he isn't involved with OW and am moving on, and doubting and being sure that he's still talking to her, and it's over. The fact is.. it doesn't really matter. Even if it's somewhere in the middle. We can be here together and be happy together regardless.. it's a choice to live TODAY as today is.
H said something to me the day that he moved out after he came home the first time. I had found out that he was talking to OW and had at least a friendship with her. In my mind, it couldnt be a friendship.. or him letting go gradually.. it had to be that they were madly in love, he was just here for the kids, or whatever other selfish reasons. One thing he said that day (besides ILYBINILWY..ugh) was "If you would just have left it alone, it would've gone away on it's own"..referring to their R. Last night I asked him about that statement. We've had some very honest, heartfelt discussions that last three days. I asked him if it was true. He said "yes". I asked him if that meant that the R would have ended naturally on it's own without my interferrence, and he said "yes". and I asked him if it was because he knew it was wrong, and knew he had to stop talking to her, and knew he would, but just hadn't yet. He said "yes". And I asked him why? And he said "because it meant nothing to me". (he also at one point said - you know all my demons and she didn't. I think this is a big reason why EA happen a lot of times.. to escape from the demons or anyone who knows them" And I said.. does that mean.. that even though we might think about a R with someone else.. let our mind escape there.. flirt with the idea a little, that no other relationship is as significant as ours? And he said "Yes, no relationship I ever have will be as significant to me as the one I have with you." I thought about that for a long time after he went to bed last night. I thought about how I'm an all or nothing person and how that effects my life. I either want all of him, or none of him... and just for my security. That's not the way I want to be at all. I want to be able to know that it's OK for him to have others in his life that mean something to him (not sexually of course, so that makes OW off limits!). But I have always been uncomfortable with his female friends because if they have him, in my mind, I don't. Isnt that warped? I never realized that I was that way. I've never realized that I'm a person of significance in his life.. no matter who comes into it, I mean so much to him.. he loves me. Yes, I know, hit me in the head with a brick.. how low is my self worth that I don't know I'm important to a man that I've spent 18 years with and 4 children?! Again, all or nothing, clouds the reality.. Im either significant, or I'm not, no matter what the facts are. Anwyay, as long as I'm meeting his needs, no one can ever touch the committment he has to our R. Even if he flirts around with it.. considers it.. escapes to it for a one night stand.. in the end, it will pale in comparison to what we have together. I know that I'll never accept him having an EA, or a PA with another woman again. But this realization is progress towards me understanding that I don't have to live every day in fear that my H is going to find someone else to fill his life. I don't have to snoop his phone calls and see if he's talking to another woman and wondering if they are building a R. As long as the R I'm building with him continues to be positive, loving and supportive, we'll be OK. Anything else will take care of itself if I just leave it alone. I could go on and on about this.. gosh, I have already haven't I? haha. I've spent a lot of time trying to sort out my H's lies. What happened in the past that I don't know about. If he was involved with someone else during the times when our R was floundering, or stale. I've thought that if I know about those things, that it would point to the problems that we need to work on to save our M. Well, I was wrong. I haven't been able to accept H's version of his R with OW because he paints it to be so innocent and insignificant, yet he walked away from me twice for it. I asked him how can we fix the problems if I don't even know what drew you to her.. what needs I wasnt fulfilling in you. And he said - you don't have to believe what I tell you to know what our problems are and what I need from you. I can tell you what they are. And I think that is saying... the R with OW doesn't matter.. has nothing to do with us.. its our relationship and what needs to be fixed that matters. Where have I read that before?!! Im so dense sometimes it's pitiful! And he listed the problems that he has.. I was shocked.. he's rarely admitted that he has a problem in our M.. let alone point out what they are. He's always expressed them passively, or stuffed his feelings. So here's what we're dealing with folks:
1. Fear.. fear of rejection and loneliness.. H needs me to know that I won't abandon him when the going gets tough 2. Fear of my anger and resentment 3. H needs love and reassurance 4. Fear that he can't make me happy 5. Fear that he won't be responsible/that I wont be patient while he is learning and working on it. 6. His depression 4. H said that he has anger, bitterness and resentment too and has a hard time expressing his feelings
Lots more has happened. We've made progress on the dishonesty issue too. I wanted to journal this and save it.. get my thoughts in order because all of this is going to be key to our future together
