It's still kind of overwhelming to me but I'm hoping that it will give me the patience to work on myself and my sitch at a much slower pace than I had been taking.

Aha! Thanks for this sentence!

I had a good weekend with H, while we were out of town but I felt a surge of paranoia as I watched H check out a woman on the beach. Pretty harmless but it confirmed for me that these current problems I have with H will become permanent ones if I don't work on the core issues and not just fixate on the surface details. My H's lying about OW does not mean that H and she will run off and have a life together, therefore I can't expend much energy on obsessing about her or trying to control each time my H lies. It does mean that I will need to address the issue of lying in our sitch.

How to address the lying? I had a moment Sat at D11s game when I saw H checking out another W. And then I checked him to see if he was checking other W. Ughhh! I hated that feeling.. that suspicion as if he was going to walk over and proposition on of them on the spot. But more just that I let his interest in how someone else looks impact my day like that and the enjoyment of watching my D cheer. It sucks. I let it happen. It's gotta stop.

I get concerned, like you, that H isn't doing his fair share. I'm not sure how to handle that myself.

My H doesn't do his fair share. Why would he? When I've got things so under control for him..ha!

We had a long talk yesterday about a time out. A calm talk for a change. And he admitted that he was trying to get me to make a decision about his job so that he wouldnt have to take the "blame" for still working with OW. I expressed how the past has been and how I think it would have played out. he would have worked there.. and in six months when he had to quit, would have sworn that he told me the 30 mile/min rule and about re-locating. Then even that, would be my decision and my responsibility. He agreed that is pretty much what would have happened. I asked him why he would do that to me? And he said, "because I hate to make you unhappy, and I feel so much pressure to find another job. Pressure from you, but mostly pressure from myself because I just want us to move on and we can't as long as I work with her"

He went to the library for me and picked up "The Dance of Anger", and "Co-Dependent No More". He asked why I needed the co-dependency book and said it didn't sound like me from the description on the back of the book. I read a few chapters last night before going to bed (H on the couch ) I was stunned. It just confirms what I already know. That I'm letting my H's irresponsibility control my life. I'm trying to control him. I resent that.. I'm angry, and Im tired. I feel much more at peace today knowing and admitting that I have a problem, and that it's solvable. That I'm not nuts and that our relationship is unbalanced and unhealthy.

I've told H that I don't know what I want. That I love him and I care for him and that I'd like to work out our problems, but that I can't do his part of the work. I told him that I cannot and will not be with someone who is constantly dishonest with me, and who wont/cant take responsibility for their life. I've been living his life and mine for 18 years.. covering all the bases, and now I just wonder what my life would be like if I had put all that time and energy into me.. my kids.. into something that I could actually see bear fruit. So, right now, we are just working on ourselves.. or rather, Im working on myself and I'm hoping H will work on his issues too. I've asked him, if we can't at least make some progress by January, would he leave and let me go if I ask him too (when we've been separated he drives me NUTS calling me, and contacting me... basically controlling from afar)
He agreed, and asked that we talk and try to work some stuff out between now and then.. that we're not giving up until Jan, and then just calling it quits. I said, OK, but right now, I need a little space to think.

Now, for myself, Im working on thought stopping...worrying, wondering about him during the day. My goal is to not ask about OW, and to not snoop the phone records, or email to see what he's up to. To stop worrying what he's doing and stop being anxious if I have a trigger that concerns me. I'm also not going to mention another job to him, or him getting closure with a letter or any other way with OW. This is his decision, and either way, the outcome won't change what's happened in the past. Basically, OW is off limits to me, and I'm refusing to go there again..she's his problem or not.. his choice.

Im going to let myself feel how I really feel about things without apologizing or making excuses, or venting those feelings on anyone else. Im tired.. I need rest. I need a hot bath. I want to laugh and play with my kids (the thought of just enjoying them when I havent had a peaceful moment in months makes me cry a little). I was thinking about my S2 and how sweet and innocent, precious he is and how I just want to surround myself with his beauty for an hour without thinking of the crap H has brought into my life the last year. me and my children deserve that. That is OUR reality. That is the life we choose.. the life we've built.. the life H abandoned. I hope he chooses to find his way back on his own and be the husband and father we need. If not, I know that I'll choose that life for me and as much as it will hurt my kids.. he has to choose what kind of father he'll be. I should not participate in his self destruction.. I take full responsibility for that, and that I CAN stop... until he feels the full effect of his actions, he'll never be truly responsible for them. Im tired of being a safety net.. hell, Im tired of jumping out of the plane AND being the net to break the fall. Im not saying I'm such a great person and he isn't.. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be him and to feel like he doesn't have control of his life. That he can't make me happy.. etc. But, it's his choice too if he really needs someone to be responsible for him, he'll move on and find someone to do it.. if not, he'll step up to the plate. I guess we'll find out!