BB, Thanks so much for stopping by and encouraging me! You are one of my DB heros.. you are handling yourself so well. I hope I can someday maintain the focus that you do on a day to day basis and not let my chain get yanked so much.

I wish I could come up with a good way to deflect H's comments and reactions. When I'm doing a good job detaching and DB-ing, Im faced with him constantly asking if I'm all right, what's wrong?? If I quit approaching him to talk, I'm being distant. If I just shut up and act as if.. I'm stewing. If we aren't in a constant state of me expressing how I feel, what needs to be done, etc, he follows me around like a puppy..grrrr!

S19 came home from college for the weekend. He marched in the game Sat, so he came in yest AM. Had a great time with him and his GF.. me and H managed to get through the day without any major discussions. Although he did make a show of getting on the computer and drafting a letter to OW - just to make me happy. Ticked me off because he knew he was putting me on the spot, but I said, "do whatever you feel is right, I'm fine and really don't feel a need to tell you how to get closure with her anymore, it's just causing probs between us, so you handle it, OK"

Before bed he said he'd try to get off work early to spend some time with S19 before he leaves, and I told him that would be nice. I had planned to get all the kids together and go over to the natural bridge to take some black and white photos. We have some from when S19 and D11 were little and they are precious. I'd also bought stuff so we could grill out for dinner after H got off work. Anyway, H called this morning and said he'd be home by 11:30. I decided to not do the pics.. it's a long way out there, and S19's GF wanted us to come for BBQ at 2:OO anyway. So, H would be home in time for us to grill some stuff to take and we'd just do that instead of the pics and cooking here. Then H called at 11:30 and said, he was just leaving work. Ugh.. an hour home, not really time to cook, and I would've had plenty of time to get the pics with the kids if I hadn't waited on him. I said OK. Got to thinking about it and then thought "why do I let everyone else's plans change mine at a minute's notice?" So I switched gears. S19 really wanted the pics too, so I told him that we'd just do the pics in the park 5 mins from here, we'd be done in time for him to go to his GF's and the boys could nap before we grilled at home. Called H back and told him the new plans. He said he'd call me back. He did, and when I got on the phone he said "why are you mad at me?!" I said "excuse me, did I say Im mad?, because I'm not really" "I just really want to take pics while all the kids are here, decided not to because you were going to be home and we'd be gone taking pics.. then I re-thought it and realized that we can go closer, you can go to, and we'll just cook here as planned"
Went to pick up film.. H questioned me all the way through about what's wrong with me today. I think he was waiting for me to say something because he didnt come home the time he was expected. I didn't. I just said "You know what H? I'm not mad. I don't know where we're going right now. You have some work to do.. I have some work to do. You're not doing what the MC says right now, not doing your homework, not really doing much towards us getting out of this cycle and I've decided to take a break too. There's no point in me trying to work on us, if you don't feel like doing it right now. So, you figure it out.. let me know and we'll go from there. Until I actually see you taking action to follow through on what we work on in MC, or your actions back up your words, I'm not even going to complain about it. I can only do my part to help our M, and I can't force you to do yours, or do it for you. Meanwhile, I really just want to work on myself and get along until we can re-build our M. For now, it's just on hold until you decide what you want. When your actions tell me you want a M, we'll work on it, but I'm tired of beating my head against a wall. Of course, he answered with a bunch of promises.. but I let them bounce off and resisted the urge to tell him how he can say that, but doesn't do it.

He just came in and asked me where I put his MC book..lol. It's been so long since he's looked at it, he can't remember where he put it.

Think I'll just chill out and bake S19 some cookies to take back to school and listen to some tunes while H grills.

I"M NOT GETTING INTO AN R DISCUSSION TONIGHT WITH HIM BEFORE BEDTIME!!! No way. Not today. I'm gonna ask him to schedule a conference table (which is what we're supposed to do.. we're not supposed to be randomly discussing our probs the way we do) In fact, Im going to stick to that rule.. no R discussions unless it's a previously made appt for a conference table as we agreed on in MC. If I can keep him from dragging me into the discussions, I can stay on track with my DBing I think.