No, he isn't respecting my need to put off R talks, and most likely won't. Because, as you said, my resilience scares him.

PM, and Sikan,

What's working for you guys? I'm having a hard time setting goals and it's confusing me. To be honest, H's lying is getting better. He's no longer lying about finances, and he tells me where he is every second of the day. Can you tell I've been reading DB again? We've made so much progress. I want to use the time-out to figure out what my more of the same behavior is, and break this cycle. I'm also a fixer, and DB says if we're fixers, to stop fixing things.

When I confront H on his lying he comes up with a long list of excuses as to why he's acted the way he has, and why on this or that occasion, he's reverted back to old habits. I'm doing the same thing.. reverting back to old habits. And Michele says to ask what we were doing when things were going well, and our S were more loving. Except.. does that more loving feeling lead to behavior that's good for the R. Like if he is feeling more loving towards me, he'll be more likely to share the truth with me?

Any expert Db-ers are you out there? When your H lies to you, or has lied to you - do you mentally tell yourself that one lie doesn't mean everything he's told you is a lie? And just tell them that you'd wish they'd told you the truth and you're disapointed? In our sitch.. if H tells me a lie, it calls everything into question and we're back to square one. Is most of the problem because I'm screwed up in how I'm looking at this? Like, if we have one bad day in two weeks.. I say the whole two weeks have been bad? One lie means that it's all a lie. Then my mind gets going and I tell myself that he can't really love me if he's lying to me. He must be here because I'm second choice. He must be here because he can't afford to get his own place. His actions don't support what my mind tells me. But, knowing the past, I'm so unsure. He lived with me for two years not feeling love for me.. pretending to be part of a happy family. Trying to get his feelings back he said..and now I'm so afraid that he's just pretending again, and I'm too stupid to notice. If he can pretend well enough for me to be clueless for two years, how will I ever know if he's heading down that road again?

I was getting to a pretty good place. I sent the book and letter to OW. Didnt question whether she got it and didn't call the person who gave it to her to confirm that H was telling the truth. I patiently waited for OW to respond as to whether she wanted to talk with us. BTW, H doesnt want to do this much, and I don't really, but the MC says it's important. In a way I think it will help, but when it comes to OW, I know closure is something I'll choose, and not get from H and OW. When I get angry, I think he should DO something to make this right, but he can't turn back time and how he's acted. Anyhow, OW said that she was thinking about it, but didn't really want to talk with us. Understandable. Then H decided and told me and the MC that he's just write a letter of his own to put this behind us. That was a couple of weeks ago, and he hasn't. So, I just have looked at this like he doesn't want to have that closure and shut that door completely. He won't go through with the MC advice, hasnt found another job. It all equals that he doesnt want to totally be out of contact with her. In my mind anyway. Then I started doubting whether she got the letter I wrote.
Which leads to me questioning him, and led to me really wanting him out of that job, now.

When I act positively, H meets me there. When I act suspicious, he gets defensive. When I ask him to do something he doesnt want to do, or if he's struggling to do it, he lies to make me happy and shut me up. His lies always involve avoiding conflict, or painting a sitch to make it seem more positive than it is. He lies to hid his mistakes, and short comings.

If I stop asking him to leave his job and write that letter then he wont have to lie about it. If I stop questioning him in general, he won't have to supply me with a lie. If I look at his actions and dont listen to his words to determine where we are in our R, then I won't be disappointed when I find out the words were painting a better picture than what is reality. And, if I stop responding to every time I know he's manipulating me with words instead of actions, he won't have incentive to do that. H has said a lot of times that he did things to help himself to feel a certain way about me and our R. He has been using the act as if technique for years. If I don't dig up the untruths in his act as if, would the feelings follow the actions? Am I keeping him from benefiting from his actions by pointing out that they arent sincere? If that makes sense..lol. Like, if he isn't feeling particulary loving or close to me, he might initiating ML to get that closeness between us. If I find out that he did that, then I'm insulted because it wasn't genuine. Then I know he's capable of misleading me about his feelings and I don't like that. I'd rather not ML, than for it to be pretend.

Today he's at work and I'm not worried at all if he's talking to her. Not a bit.. I really don't worry about that much anymore, but still I want him to have a new job. I keep asking myself if it's just my way of trying to punish him for his R with her. If I'm not afraid he's talking to her most of the time.. if there are no signs that he is.. if the phone bills are clean and he comes straight home for work, then what's my prob?
When things were better between us, I didn't push the issue of the job or mention OW at all, or the MC telling H that he has to apologize to her and get closure. I just left the issue alone. When I pick up the prob and try to force a resolution, H lies about where he is in the process and I get angry.

I really need this time out with H. I'm so confused and by acting out of confusion, I'm screwing things up majorly. I have a feeling that some of our probs revolve around me not letting go. My lack of trust is causing me to question everything. H is trying to reassure me, without much luck. My expectations are probably a boulder on his shoulders right now.

Same goals, detach and give it some time. I need time to heal because H can't heal my heart until I let him. I'm sure the days of peace with a big blow up every couple of weeks is scaring and confusing him. We think we're getting to a better place and zap.. something triggers me to take us back to the beginning and start all over.

As always, long and rambling for me. I have some serious work to do on myself mentally. If I'm capable of letting go and moving on for two weeks at a time, I have to find a way to make that permanent. I have to find a way to stop my thoughts from taking us back to square one every time there's a backslide. I have to find a way to control my fear that nothing will ever change and accept what does change, a little at a time, as progress in the right direction. I think I've been creating a self fullfilling profecy (sp?) here. It keeps me in a place where I can imagine being the WAW and then life will be better. I can just leave and my life will be perfect. We'll never get anywhere as long as I can imagine that.

Still stepping back and looking for progress and detaching. Detaching because what I'm doing is being my own worst enemy and letting my emotions and fears control our R. Stop fixing and be happy for awhile.