Love is an action word.. you got it! Have had this discussion a zillion times in MC and H still thinks its feelings and intentions that count!
I've GOT TO STOP LETTING HIM PUSH MY BUTTONS!! And, I've got to stop giving him ammo.. crap. No wonder we continue in this vicous cycle. I KNOW his biggest fear is that I'll leave.. it's also my weapon. I realize that, yet I continue to unload that weapon and watch him saddle up for the fight. Ugh... he pushes buttons until I rage about his need to change, and then he goes into lecture mode on how he knows he's hurt me, knows he needs to change, knows he needs to be honest, knows he needs to try harder, he loves me so much and would never hurt me.. blah, blah, blah. He's purged his guilt, made his promises, and shut me up and tommorow things will just be spiffy because it's a new leaf for him. I think that's one of his needs.. he knows he's screwing up his life with his actions, but isn't strong enough to take responsibility for it. Then Mommy scolds him and he's been suffienciently punished.
If I don't break this cycle it'll never stop. So I need to evaluate what doesn't work. DBing and being positive just makes him think we're on the right track and he tries less to deal with the big issues.. like his dishonesty. I think my plan to stop giving him the results he wants until he can get it together is a good one. It's going to take a huge amount of patience on my part though to back off and let this go. I want so much to believe him, but I just can't right now. I mean, he knows lying is a big deal and he knows he continues to lie and decieve me. A few positives after the blow-up though. He said that he knows he needs more psychiatric help than he's getting. he sees his psych once every month or two months. I told him that I think he's a pathological liar.. I feel horrible about that. But a part of me thinks that's true too. If he just lied to me, it would be different, but he lives a life of deception. At least he admits that he hides the truth and says he wants to change. I cant do this for him though. And, I can't be on that roller coaster believing everything he says just to find out later it was BS.
Lovingly distance myself...ignore what he says.. look at what he does. Validate the positive ACTIONS. Praise him when he does bring the truth to me. Not give him any signs of progress when he just talks up what he intends to do. I think if the lies don't work the way they always have, but he gets good results from the truth and actually following through on his promises, maybe he'll get a clue.
This is going to be hard, hard, hard. He follows me around wanting to have a R talk, and when I resist, he tells me how much he loves me, how much he wants to be honest.. same blah, blah. I need to get some steel armor and let it just bounce off! NO R TALKS, unless it's about actions, not about promises! Someone please pray that I can be pleasant, supportive and zip my lips.
I know it seems a shame, some here just want their WAS to come home and be willing to work it out. But when they come home, and just give it lip service, it's maddening. It's pure hell to live with someone who won't take responsibility for themselves and their actions. When he didn't live with us he told the MC that he didn't want to come home because he thought knowing he couldnt until he changed would motivate him to change. I wonder if I've done a bad thing by allowing him to move back before he made changes. Now I fear that he's comfy and unmotivated again. He was near suicidal before he came back home, so I know he's making mental progress, but his behavorial issues need to be addressed. Not for me even, just for him. I'm faced with a man who will never be self-supporting and responsible unless he changes. I mean, if I ask him to leave, it will be the same thing all over... he'll spiral into that black pit again. I still feel like a hostage.. he can't support himself financially, and I couldn't let my kids Dad end up there again. Yet, I don't see changes in his behavior and a big part of me thinks He's just here for the financial support.. period. Survival.
