Core problems in self.. yep. I was a shining example of those core problems in myself last night. I backslid in a big way and am not sure how to recover. Yest was my bday. H was so sweet. Took S5 to order my cake, took the kids to buy presents, etc. When he got home from work he said he'd take me wherever I wanted to eat, and he did. Just overall, he put himself out for me, to make me happy. And, I let him know how much I appreciated it and how happy my bday was.

Then... ugh ugh ugh... we had to balance the check book, which is a major stressor for our R. He tends to "forget" some of his spending, and I tend to see the financial future bleaker than it actually is. We got through that with a few sharp comments, but it turned the tone of our day around. Then he said something about dancing..and I wish someone had duct taped my mouth shut!!!

M:Well, you know about dancing.
H: I do?
M: Yeah, from what I hear, you're all about that
H: Huh? What do you hear.. from who?
M: Yesterday when T stopped to see us, he told me about that night
H: Oh, I thought that was in the past
M: Well, it is, but I have an eye witness account that you were into it, not just friendly either
H: It wasnt like that
M: It wasnt?
H: No. It was the worst mistake I've ever made. It wasnt me. I mean, how stupid can I be. Going there where all your friends live. I didnt even know what I was doing
M: Well, he said you were plastered
H: I was. It was stupid. I shouldnt have been there. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made

End of convo.. D came in. We went to the LR and watched TV for a little while.

H: You OK?
M: Yeah, I'm fine
H: You sure?
M: Yes, Im sure!
H: Well, I'll be able to stay up later tomm night (wink)
M: Oh, you're going to bed right now?
H: Yeah, I'm sorry I can't stay up later on your bday
M: Well, now that you get up an hour later, you go to bed an hour earlier?
H: Huh? I'll stay up then! Whats wrong with you?
M: I'm fine, just go to bed and get some rest
H: No, obviously something is wrong. What can I do to make it better?
M: nothing.
H: Nothing? What can I do?
M: You already know what's wrong and what you can do to make it better, but I'm trying to be patient, so just let it go
H: I'm trying. What do you want me to do?
(asks me to come sit on his lap and I go. He tries to hug me, but I resist. This aggravates him.)
H: What the H*ll is wrong with you? You had to go and get yourself all worked up and in a bad mood!
M: Me? I didn't do this. You're the one who is dragging your feet on making things better. I've been patient, but 5 months later, you still work with her. You refuse to do what the MC says and get some kind of closure.. apologize. I bet you didnt even give Shelley the letter and book to give to her. You just refuse to get out of there or make it clear that your R was a mistake.
H: No, that's not it. That's not it at all. I just need to call a few more places and see when they'll be hiring. I'll take that job offer if I have to, and I promise before the end of the week, I'll do what the MC said to do.

H got up and went to the computer and checked out some job websites and went to bed.

This morning isn't much better. I have so much doubt that has come out of nowhere. Paranoia??? Tired of him working with OW. And when I mentioned the book and letter this morning, he threw it in my face and said I was SUPPOSED to have forgiven him and am supposed to be trusting him right now. So, that left me steaming. Any time I bring up my feelings that are negative, he accuses me of not being patient, not forgiving, etc.

I guess you can see how I engineered our convos to create an argument concerning his job and OW. I can't figure out what I'm trying to prove with my actions. I KNOW it's not making things better. It's destroying progress that we've made and making H not trust me. But on the other hand, I think the more patient I am about the job and OW, the less he tries to get something accomplished. Im confused. I don't know why I want to go back to this negative convo again. The last week has been great. Maybe I just what what I want.. an effort to control him.. ugh.. I seriously need a time out to get my head on straight before I backslide even farther! I would not want to be with someone who says they'll be patient and forgive, but then starts the convo above, especially on their bday when I've went out of my way to show them how much I care about them. I guess there's no saving my from myself!