I'm starting a new thread because the last one was a mess of confusion and wallowing in a bad place. Me worrying about every little thing that was goin on between me and H. I've just finished reading DR and am finally convinced that I need to change myself to see positive results. Knock me in the head with a brick right?! Also, I'm finally in a much better place emotionally and not dwelling on our past mistakes all the time. I'm ready to move FORWARD! finally. In order to do that, I see how I have to stop telling H what to do and how to live his life. That's how I've handled things in the past (it doesnt work). He also has depended on me to tell him exactly how to handle everything. So, I've spent all my time living my life and his, not very successfully.
Can any of you tell me the things you've done to break this cycle in your M? I'm so confused on how to proceed at this point. H seeks my advice and I'm not sure if I should tell him what I think or not. I know that I've made him feel incompetent by pointing out what he could do differently, or the things that aren't getting done unless I do them.
Examples: H is trying to decide whether or not to take a new job. Pros: He won't be working with OW anymore (a request I've made of him). It will be back in the career field that he loves. Cons: Its an 80 mile drive to work and a little less money. Gas costs will kill us. Right now he has govt insurance and retirement and this job wouldnt give him that security.
He keeps asking what I think, and honestly, I don't want to make the decision for him. I'll accept whatever he decides, but should I voice my opinion at all? I'm afraid if I ask him not to take this job that he'll continue to work with OW forever. So, if I voice my opinion, I'm going to have to accept that he may never be out of total contact with her. I think I can do that, but I'm having a very hard time letting go of the side of me that wants to be difficult about this. Would it be better to let him make the decision without my input, or do I tell him that he's probably better off where he is until he finds something closer, and that I'll be patient with him still working with OW?
Another issue: H still doesnt take an initiative to do things that need to be done around here without being specifically told what to do. Example: Our lawn mower has been broken for two weeks. I asked him to have our neighbor fix it because he works at the lawnmower repair shop. He hasnt done that. He did however ask another neighbor to borrow his mower (which I think is ridiculous!). The grass is getting higher and higher and no movement on getting the mower fixed. Seems like a small problem I know, but it's just the way everything is handled. There are so many maintenance issues that just dont get taken care of.. I could go on forever. Do I just ignore it and act like I dont care.. compliment him on what he does do around here? I've been doing that, but it hasnt made him any more likely to do the things that REALLY need to get done. Do I let the grass get to the windows and not say a word? Do I just handle it myself? I've always nagged him until he does these things and it causes resentment on my side and his. He's perfectly content doing laundry, cleaning around here, but when it comes to vehicle maintenance and house maintenance, he just doesnt seem to care. Drives me batty! Should I just take over the stuff that he hates to do? Do I discuss it with him first? Let him clean his little heart out while I get the grass taken care of? I've been thinking of letting the household chores pile up and me concentrating on the chores that I think he should be taking care of. Maybe I should just hire a guy to cut the grass. The problem with that is that we really can't afford that, and H wouldnt say a word about spending the money on that. He also doesnt worry about our finances too much, so I can't even spend money until he feels the squeeze on his wallet.
Any ideas would be welcome. I know that me directing traffic and making all the decisions IS NOT working. I just don't see him stepping up to take over the things that I've controlled even though he says he hates it when Im controlling. I'm thinking about giving him a call and asking his advice on what chores I should concentrate on today and listing the lawnmower and grass as one of them. What do you think? It would be a 180 for me to ask him what I need to get done.
