My wife and I have been married for over 12 years. From the day we got married, our sex life has gone downhill. In our early days, she initiated about 75% of the time and (supposedly) we almost always climaxed together (if not her "first").
Then, within weeks of our marriage, it just stopped. Every advance I made was blocked (physically and emotionally). Finally, a year of nothing, I confronted her. She confessed that the only reason she had been doing anything sexual for me was "cause that's what I thought you wanted." She confessed that she had never had an orgasm with me (or anyone else).
After much discussion, we began seeing a therapist. With no progress, she began seeing yet another and then another and ... Well, lets just say, we've bought a lot of cars for therapists and have nothing to show for it.
We've read at least 20 books on the subject, tried numerous "enhancements" including herbals, rubs, toys, etc. She says she does climax now using the toys (after a lot of hard work which she says isn't really worth the reward.)
She's been tested several times over the years and been told all her hormones are normal and there's nothing medically wrong.
We share housework, I cook all the time and clean, too. I fix her car, computer, and everything else that breaks in the house. We've done it all...and nothing helps.
The "sensual massages" are right out. She doesn't like to be rubbed or touched anywhere. We have 2 kids (4/6), but I can't say they're the problem...we had this before we had them.
Other than the sex, our life is ok . No big arguments, we do cuddle...she just wants nothing involving skin on skin.
Any ideas out there? 12 years and I've lost hope of ever having a sexual relationship ever again...
It's not terribly uncommon for a woman to have that initial "fascination", if you will....just like a man does in the early days of a R....where it seems like you boink like bunnies non-stop...eventually that fascination fades....and that's when the real R begins. It's definitely misleading though when someone does that whether they be a man or a woman.
As for the counseling you two have been to....do you feel like any of the C's actually addressed what you thought to be the real issues? If not, why? Did you two always see a C together, or did she go on her own?
She says she does climax now using the toys (after a lot of hard work which she says isn't really worth the reward
You stated that she has had her hormones checked has she spoken to her Gyn about the problem. I sorta know this is going to sound wierd and I do not know the tech terms but my doctor explained this to me once. Something about the muscles in my uterus that cause orgasms were out of shape and that was why it was so physically hard and hard work to orgasm. They told me how to do a exercise to start tightening this muscle. It is simular to how the woman in Japan are trained to Milk a man.
real issues? I think everything possible got covered. Everything from supressed childhood memories to role playing to previous experiences, etc. We did several couples meetings, but most of the therapists focused on her. We quit going to them cause none helped. We were in 3 different states, 7 different counselors/therapists and in the end seem to only be concerned with you keeping your next appointment (car payment). "read this book...it'lll help...that'll be $100."
Simular but not exact. I had to look up that exercise and I tried it that was hard for me. Lol maybe I need to work on that one to. It maybe the same thing and the outward flow of urine made it harder not sure just did not feel the same. But again can't be technical but will explain alittle more. This excercise he taught me allows me tighten my vagina where my H can feel it hence the milking sensation it gives. I can only do this about 4 times in a row but woman who are well trained in this area are said to be able to make a man orgasm without either of them ever moving.
The only reason I thought of this was the fact that when I was having sex with my H and not putting much effort into it just doing it for him I was not having a orgasm. Which I has always been hard for me and alot of work so I never really put great effort into it. Since coming to the board and understanding that my lack of participation of enjoyment of the act may in itself be unfufilling for my H I have put more effort into my having a orgasm. In the begining it was very hard work. But it seems the more I do have the orgasms the easier it is becoming and the less effort it is taking.
Something else I want to offer as a suggestion you stated your wife does orgasm on occassion with a vibrator. It is the vibration itself that more then likely causing this. And since a man no matter how hard tries will never be able to achieve that vibration sensation. You may want to get a cock ring with a clit stimulator attached. The clit stimulator does vibrate on alot of them. And may make the experience more well rounded for both of you. Just a suggestion.
Maybe I can weigh in on this one and tell you that there is hope for your W, but only if she persues it for herself. Her persuit of her sexuality has to be something she does out of a desire to experience all that life has to offer HER. I can almost guarentee that she will not persue her sexuality if it is something to fulfill your needs. When she sees how it will benefit her, she will be more open to the idea of changing how she looks at the world, herself and you. It has been suggested many times on this board that you read "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch as well as "Sex Starved Marriage". Those two books should give you a solid place to start working on yourself and getting the focus off of your Ws lack of desire. Working on yourself is something you can control and will foster changes within your marriage. Best of luck.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
"she will not persue her sexuality if it is something to fulfill your needs" And there-in lies the problem. Motivation... After 12 years of trying numerous different programs/treatments/therapies, with no results, she's resigned herself to the fact that it is me who has the problem with wanting it "all the time." She's accepted the fact that she never thinks about it. EVER. Her perspective is that there's nothing in it for her.
I've been deployed overseas lots over the past several years and she says that even when I'm gone, she just don't think about it or care. And when I come home, while everyone else is getting "welcomed," I go back to the same-ole, same-ole. Her answer is, "just go sit on the couch and make yourself happy." Sorry, it just isn't the same. It's hard to have an emotional bond with "lefty." (but then, there's no emotional bond with the W anymore either in that regard...probably never was in retrospect).
What I/we need to find is a way to, as you say, "persues it for herself." She CAN and DOES have orgasms. She just doesn't really want to. I think if we could find a way for her to want to, we could break through the rest.
It's become "my" problem even though it's "our" relationship.
heli, Does your W go off with her girlfriends for all girls vacations? I ask this because in any given group of women there is bound to be a couple of HD women. Lusty gals who are warm and open can do wonders for a woman who is missing out on the pleasures of sex.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
"Lusty gals who are warm and open can do wonders for a woman who is missing out on the pleasures of sex. " not so much...there have been a few in the past, but it went the wrong direction...they asked her if she ever wanted to be with another woman...that kinda turned her off even more. She's not much of a socialite type anymore. I'm in the military and we recently moved again. The friends she has are all long distance. The neighborhood we live in is a lot of "Stepford Wives" types that she just don't want to associate with.
