Do what you feel is right for you. If you want to visit them, then do it. It isn't his business. He divorced you, his family didn't. At least that is the way it seems from your post. For me, I am learning that her family wants to remain in contact with me. I thought that they all disowned me. I am happy that I was wrong.
You know, your EH might be going through a MLC. The more I think about my sitch lately, I think that is what my EW is going through. One of the signs is no communication with their family.
When he says that it is over, to him it is -- for now. Remember this phrase "for now". I was told this by my therapist in the beginning, and she is turning out to be right. It seems that my EW is not feeling as strong about her decision to D me. Only time will tell for all of us....
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
IMHOP I think that you should keep in contact with your in-laws no matter what. This is not about your EX It is about a woman who is not doing well and who would like to see you. Keep your head high and don't listen to your EX. YOu are a person with feelings and his family did not divorce you. The obviously enjoy your company or they would not ask you back. Listen to them.
My in-laws have been my biggest support through this whole mess. I talk to them more than my Ex H, He sees them at Christmas only. I see them all year. I'm sure he is carrying alot of guilt around after what he has done. That's his problem. We were toegther for 32 years and I will not give that up , his family is and has been my family for a long time.
Well the saga continues. After my last post of how he called upset about finding out about me visiting, He called that night to apologize and said it was not that he was angry at me , that his grandmother likes me and it does her good to see me. That his beef is with his mother bothering and contacting me. He doesn't like her because he never told him anything about his father and he says he can't stand her. You see he has alot of issues with his mom, but I am begining to reliaze he has caused alot of his problems.
As far as him and me , he says that we are over, I stupidly asked "over for ever right?" and he said for now. What crushes me to pieces is to think how can love disappear from a person, how can some one who you know loved you so much feel nothing now. Do they feel even just a little at all?? He says there are still feelings, but how can you walk away from some one who you still have feelings for. Any thoughts....
I personally dont' feel they can walk away and be happy or feel good about themselves. That is why I am working so hard at maintaining some sort of relationship with my EX in hopes that someday he will come out of his MLC. Which I truly believe is what is going on in my case. I believe that they dont' even know what is going on. I don't think people can "fall out of love" that easily. Hang in there.
Quote: As far as him and me , he says that we are over, I stupidly asked "over for ever right?" and he said for now. What crushes me to pieces is to think how can love disappear from a person, how can some one who you know loved you so much feel nothing now.
I guess you probably know that asking that question would get you the answer you got. There is absolutely no reason to suspect that WAS/XS will say "I am madly in love with you, I can't live without you" because that doesn't jive with their behavior. There probably is some feelings, perhaps only part of the time.
I think it is possible to "fall out of love". Because I think love is something you nurture and keep alive. All you do is tell yourself how miserable in the M you are, how you'd be better off divorced, you say "beetch/bastage" about your spouse and tick off a list of the persons negative qualities and before you know it, the love isn't apparent. And if the feelings come back up, you just knock them back down again with the negative stuff that you've stored up. And that's how you fall out of love. It's a denial that there is any love, every was love, or ever could be love. That's the obstacle to face. We need to be patient, positive, friendly, confident, and all the other good stuff for long enough that the wall that they have constructed out of negative thoughts can't stand anymore.
Of course that's just MHO. Doesn't help us any. You can only be the best person you can be and maybe some day he'll notice, but you need to be happy with yourself even if he doesn't.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
That's my point, are they really falling out of love or are they just pushing it away so they don't have to feel guilty of what they are doing? You can tell yourself anything, but you also need to be honest with yourself to really"move on", and be in another relationship. Patience is the key right now.
Quote: I guess you probably know that asking that question would get you the answer you got. There is absolutely no reason to suspect that WAS/XS will say "I am madly in love with you, I can't live without you" because that doesn't jive with their behavior.
You are right La-esperanza, I really had that one coming.
This whole situation with his grandmother is distancing me from him more instead of bringing in us closer. My family and I went to visit them and he called me today asking how that had happened. Reminded me that we are divorced and is hard to see me at her house. I said "this is what you wanted, this what was going to make you happy, so it should not be hard, now we are both doing our own thing". Told me to call him and let him know everytime I planned to go over so he would not be there.
It bugs the hell out of me to remind me that we are divorce and to try to control me by letting him know when I am coming over. I told him I would but I don't think its fair. I asked how he found out that we went over, and he would not answer, all he would say was "I just know, I always know" , wtf. I "said tell me, answer the question" just like he pressures me to answer his questions and he would not. He always expects me to answer his questions right off the bat and jumps on my case if I don't answer instantly. I do the same to him and he won't budge.
Part of me just wants to tell him to not call me if he has nothing good to say,I don't need to be reminded that we are divorce, if he thinks I visiting his grandmother because I have a master plan, he is sadly misktaken this is not about him. But if I do say anything like that, that would make me look like the old me hostile, and unfriendly and would probably push him towards OW even more.
Do your best to try to comply w/ his request, as much as you don't want to. One of the key aspects to DBing is to act as if it is O.K. Look at it this way, you are calling, not to inform him that you are going there so he can leave, but to confirm that you relative will be there for you to visit. ( I know, she's sick and of course will be at home ) Just put a different spin on it for you.
As for the questions. If he won't answer yours, don't answer his. Be vague. My EW is good at this...
Hope this helps...
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
BTW, he is only 31 going to turn 32 soon, but yeah She_left_Me, I sometimes think part of it is MLC. Part of it is his family issues, and part of it was misscomunications between us, what a mess.
I am trying DBIng hard, it takes alot of me to say yes to everything , but I did , at the end I told him I would let him know in advance. I feel emotinally wasted every time.
I know it is hard, just do the best you can. The less he has to be upset with you about, the better you will feel, because there will be less drama.
I let my EW have almost everything her way, and now, 8 months later, I think this is what is helping us to where we are now. I'm not sure what to call this place. But I know we both are healing a little now. Everything takes time....
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
