Just Divorced a week ago. He wants to keep in touch and see where it goes from there no gurantees maybe we can rekindle the flame later on, but that this first round is over and we have to start from square one as friends. I donn't know if I should because if he wanted to rekindle the flame than why did he have to get a divorce?? He would probably say because he tried to get along and tried but nothing worked. So now I don't know if I am being foolish by staying his friend while he goes out in hope to maybe someday, with no gurantees, I can't be on the sidelines and him daiting and me there if it does not work out with him, how do I tilt the scales my way??
Do you want him back? If so, I would keep some semblance of a friendship with you X. But, as I'm just beginning to understand, the X wants friendship on their own time and convenience. My feeling is that you should be friendly, accept some invitations to do things together, and accept what they have to give, but in the meantime make sure you are moving on with your own life, make your own plans, be happy as a divorcee, and fit him in only at your convenience. When he appreciates that you're not just waiting around to be his "fallback plan", you will be better able to dictate the flow of the friendship.
At least one of us on here, Hope, started out as friends and is at least living together again with her XH. Then there are other scenarios in which the X spouse indicates they want to be friends but their actions don't follow those words. You'll have to play it by ear how much of a friendship you want, but you still need to seek out life beyond your XH as though it is truly over in more than just name.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I cannot echo better what la said. Focus on you and your life and treat X as someone you just met. How would act with that person?
Odds are you would not be sitting at home waiting for him to call? When you met you had separate, active lives and managed to bring them together. If it happens again with him if will be new and need to redevelop on your terms, just like the beginning.
I agree with you all. It seems hard right now to keep "As if" attitude when the few loose ends that we have left when we talk about them it can be a good or he can be mad. Especially because he lost the house. Is turning into a love hate relationship. I can't stop my self from calling with stupid excuses I feel that if I let contact fade I won't have a fighting chance, and the thought drives me crazy especially when I hear him confuse about our situation and that he want's to try again but does not know. I'ts driving me crazy.
Quote: I can't stop my self from calling with stupid excuses I feel that if I let contact fade I won't have a fighting chance, and the thought drives me crazy especially when I hear him confuse about our situation and that he want's to try again but does not know. I'ts driving me crazy.
I share your fear, but I've noticed that the contact is more positive if it's initiated by your X. Give him time to get his thoughts in order, to think things through, and perhaps worry that the window of opportunity is closing. When he does initiate, be as friendly and happy as possible and keep an open mind about potentially doing something together or at least talking for awhile. Play a little hard to get, but not so much that he doesn't think you're interested at all. It might help to realize that you can't make him try again. You can only be an attractive possibility should he be willing to make strides in your direction.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Today has been a hard morning. I saw him yesterday for business but the conversation turn into us. He says he left because I did not appreciate him and he did not have a support system. I maybe manythings but one thing I am not is not appreciative, how can he even say that?? Nothing I say or do makes him belive other wise. He's made up his mind. 90% of the reasons why he quit on us are things about me that are completely wrong and it makes me crazy. To top it all off the girl he is not interested in but is friends with and keeps hanging out with ( she does want to see him exclusivly) he went shopping with her and bought her clothes. Says he wants to be alone, but his actions speak of something else. wtf. I want to get so many things of my chest to tell him that I hate what he has done to me, to break our marriage so easily, that part of me wants to not ever see him again, that he broke my heart, that as a man I am dissapointed in him, that he has forgotten who I really am , that I am not the person he is painted out to be and that when I recognized my errors and asked for forgiveness and a chance to try, he turned his back on me, how could he. I have been faithful to him 100%, still am and have wanted nothing but the best for him and I always put us first.
ok, this turn into a ranting post, but I just can't belive he finished us for such stupid things as him thinking I wanted to take trips more than having a home, when we only went on a real trip once and I was the one who put the downpayment for the brand new house we got 6 months ago. Why couldn't we have both.
If you've read DR, you'll know to discount almost all of what the WAS says. Only later will he see his part in things. Right now, he's rewriting history, if only to protect himself for his decision to D. Let that be his issue, not yours.
Control what you can - you. Take extra great care of yourself, with the goal of improving your mood and having fun or fulfillment without him, and that your boosted positivity will be noticed by him.
What sort of positive changes or goals could you set for yourself for the upcoming month?
Post em here and we'll do our best to help with feedback.
Like you, my D is fresh. If you read my posts, you will see that I too go thru these love / hate cycles.
For me, I chose to have no contact w/ EW for almost 4 months. This has allowed her new reality to set in. Just this last weekend, we saw each other for the first time since D in court. It was uneasy at first, but it quickly got better.
It is funny, but "history" that was re-written by her 8 months ago, is sorting itself out to the truth that I know. It takes time. Every one tells you this. It is hard, but it is all you can do. Do your best to GAL,as hard as this is. Post often. When you feel angry, write it out, but DO NOT send it. For me, the act of writing allows me to vent. We are all with you...
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
I hear what you all are saying and I think writing it out helps alot. I try to do alot of that, but I really wish that I could tie him up to a chair and make a presentation of how dilusional he is being.
Guess who I got a card from this weekend...his mother. She and I had never gotten close, mostly because he has this anger towards his family because they did not support him, one of the same reasons that he gave me for Divorcing me if not the main one. So, he kept me and his family at a distance. She let me know that his grandmother was very ill and that she has tought alot about me and has wanted to speak to me. Also that me and my family have a special place in their hearts. Ofcourse I was very surprise to hear any of this I was under the impression they might even like me. I guess I should mention that I did not meet his family till the day of our weading and I did not know what kind of impression that made about me on them.
Back to the card from his mother, I called her on Saturday and we talked, she told me that when he told them the divorce was final he cried. I went and visited bot her and his grandmother yesterday, he did not know any of this as I thought that regardless of what happen between us I was just acting as a caring human being, it has nothing to do with us. He calls me today at work all upset, asking if I had contacted his grandmother, why I was bothering her, I explain to him that she had requested to see me and that his mom contacted me. He said they just want to find out what happen to us, because they are nosy and now they are going to bother him about us. (He did not tell them why he had decided to divorce and they had asked him to fix it) I said I am still trying to figure it out myself what happen to you and made you decide to go through with it (he had been undecided until the last minute). I told him "why is it that you behave this way towards the people that most care about you", he said "oh please. I never got any support from them and I hate them for it" then it turn into stupid me asking to try again and he said "its over I left and I can't come back now, I don't want to its over, I am sorry they bothered you , I am not calling to pick on you. I asked him straight out if there is some one else he denies it but I know better and I think the only reaseon he hiding it is because for it to come to light would put all the blame on him, and right now he puts all the blame on me.
I think its ridiculous that his grandmother is in her last days and he is trowing a fit. Is not about me or him is about her , she is priority. What do I do?? How do I act like if nothing is happening and not go see her again when his mom has asked that I go back soon because she is getting worse. How can I not grant this dying woman my time, just not to upset him, and why should it upset him, I don't think is fair. He has always put this walls between sections of his life, and this is not the time.
I am again between a rock and a hard place because I know that now he is going to see me as source of trouble in his life , like he sees his family, I will be bunched up with them, and he keeps them at a distance. Instead of this bringing him closer is going to keep him further away from him.
I never really post anymore, but I feel like I had to tell you my story as it relates to your post.
When my EXH left for OW he tried to keep everything quiet. He became extremely upset when I spoke with anyone in his family (and we were all very close.) In fact, he claims I "ruined his relationship with his family", and that was one of the reason for the D. I agreed to not speak with the family anymore and it broke my heart not to see my newphew.
About a month after our D was final my MIL called me and wanted me to come visit. I went with my SIL and spent the day with MIL and FIL. My MIL told me how sorry she was and that she thinks about me everyday. BTW, this was also the day they told me that OW was 7 months pregnant. Anyhow, went I left that day my MIL made me promise that I would keep in touch, even if it was just email. The next night me and SIL spent the night together and watched movies. It was great. I had really missed them.
The next day EXH called me telling me to stay away from his family, that they were just getting back to being close again and now i'm ruining it again....he was simply crazy. I explained to him that his mom had asked me to please come see her so I didnt care. That night my SIL and I were in tears but we agreed to not speak for awhile.
For 8 months I did not speak with MIL. One morning my SIL called me hysterical. My MIL had died suddenly. I have to tell you that the guilt and regret I felt that day was the worst I have felt in my life. I did go to the wake and to the church. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I will never EVER forgive myself for listening to my EXH. My MIL was buried in the dress she wore to our wedding and our family portrait was buring with her. Everyone in the family, FIL, MIL's sisters, they all told me that I was one of her favorite daughter-in-laws and that she always talked about me.
I guess this story was just to make you think again about listening to your EX when it comes down to a situation like that. You never know what might happen. Believe me, I regret it everyday.
Again, its just my 2 cents, but I hope it got you thinking
What works for you?
