P.S. That's never happened before. I wrote that entire thing and posted it before I realized I used the old name. I only caught that because the quote at the bottom had changed.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Maybe apply the 24hr rule here. It sounds like you may need a break. It must be hard to be ready to be 'on' in an unpredictable fashion, cause she has the garage door opener. Now, I remember that I suggested it was a good thing for her to have access to your home/life, as she was doing a lot of the contact work.
But your impatience tells me that this arrangement is frustrating you, maybe tripping up your ability to detach. I'd try some exploring over the next few weeks to see if you can meet some of this need your feeling yourself -e.g., greater enjoyment of solo pursuits, or with MFs & FFs.
Maybe review when your sitch started to turn. Did she seem to come around more/be less negative when you applied some mystery with dating (even tho she said "good" about your dating, you know she was BSing there), or was it b/c you merely mentally detached and this adjustment showed in your PMA?
I don't know what to tell you, but right now you are caught up in your doubt, impatience, worry, needing definitive answers, NOW.
Is this REALLY what you want? Gabe has a great idea, to step back for a day or two. I suggest you look at it as someone else's scenario. What would you suggest?
This transient relationship has worked for the last x months and you've been moving closer to each other? Why this sudden desire for something to happen NOW?
When you first met, did you rev up the pace of the relationship? Were you intimate and married within a week? I doubt it.
Yes, you want something to happen and guess what? It is. She is not hanging around there and helping and initiating contact because she lost a bet. The girl is clearly delusion and likes you, ENJOY. And guess what Johnny, you are taking to. You maybe need to find a better balance of giver and taker.
I suspect you have read Dr. Harley's stuff on marriagebuilders.com. Go review.
Maybe take a day tomorrow, go ride the bike, go running, go somewhere new. Enjoy the day without thinking. As I said before, time for you.
Treat this marriage/relationship like it is one and decide what you want and then relax.
Trust me as much as it does make me miss having someone to see you with a woman in your life, I am delighted for you and wish I was in the same position. And would probably exhibit the same impatience.
Quote: I know actions speak louder than words, but sometimes the actions can be misinterpreted and many times the actions are simply not enough. I've decided to draw my line in the sand. I need some unambiguous form of communication that lets me know she is interested in "us" and I mean more than friendship.
I completely understand you're feelings here. But, yep always a but, this hasn't been going on that long, this new side of her. I know it sucks, but you need to wait it out a little more.
And listen to Gabe, just because she's coming around doesn't mean you shouldn't keep having a life of your own.
Quote: This transient relationship has worked for the last x months and you've been moving closer to each other? Why this sudden desire for something to happen NOW?
I don't know. I dropped off a picture I had bought for her daughter on Wednesday night and X acted like I was some stranger. Probably just a case of too much contact. I guess after that I just asked myself.."what are you doing? What is so damned important about this woman? Would you really be better off if you had her back?" You know, the usual questions one asks themself. From a rational standpoint I actually came up with more cons than pros.
There isn't anything that says it has to be a change "NOW", but I need to do something about myself to regain patience. So I'm detaching and giving myself time and space because there is no hurry and I can afford to spend a week or two finding my center again. Good luck to me. You know I've never done a week so it's unlikely I'll be successful this time, but I asked myself if I really gave myself or her a chance to explore separated and divorced life. I didn't-not a true separation and divorce like most people have. I think it would be wise to take a period of X-free time to give myself a chance to settle all this second guessing. She might find the time useful as well, but this break I want is about me.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
And of course her mood, from your viewpoint was completely because you. Oops, never mind. Quit. Now.
During the M and the courtship I guess there were no bad days, days when ones mood affects their outlook, perspective, attitude, belief in the other person, the relationship, the family, say for instance, your waning enthusiasm right about now?
Of course there are. There are MANY days when you wonder what was I thinking, why am I married to this pyscho woman? Wouldn't it be nice to have 20 minutes to myself without her bugging me?
And there are many days when you know you are in the right time and place and life is good.
And no, you have not really been separated/divorced, but this continuing relationship has been driven by both parties. When you start to RELAX and not worry and not contact, who comes calling?
If she really wanted NOTHING to do with you, after the divorce, there would have been no or little contact. From a logical viewpoint, there is no reason for either of you to see or contact the other, is there?
Of course you're correct about the ups and downs of any relationship. If I was happily married there would be bad days when I would wonder what I'm doing with this psycho.
Quote: If she really wanted NOTHING to do with you, after the divorce, there would have been no or little contact. From a logical viewpoint, there is no reason for either of you to see or contact the other, is there?
No reason to contact I guess, or at least not a strong one. But maybe she honestly only wants to be friends and wouldn't bother if she knew I couldn't handle it. Of course, that sounds silly even to me. Do you understand this? I don't. Maybe she doesn't either. I'm just on a bad spell here. I'll write more when I'm back up---based solely on bringing myself up.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just dropped in to say I am glad Bruce is around checking up on you and keeping you pegged.
Just a thought, buddy: You say you are confused, you need space, you need time to think, you need to distance to clarify things. Now multiply your confusion/fear/hesitation/"WTF am I thinking"/"am I an idiot" type feelings by, let's see....hmmmmm...maybe the value equivalent to the mass of the sun....Well, now you get an estimate of how your WAW is feeling?
This is very confusing, man, for you and your WAW, who as Bruce has been pointing out to you repeatedly, is not going anywhere. Give yourself a break, dude, and while you are about it, give your WAW one too....
Hey, Wes, you are truly a wonderful guy. Many virtues, buddy, mucho virtues....Patience, my friend, not one of them
Damn, I so badly want you to be a success story....Now I am getting impatient for you. Good for us Bruce will keep us both sane...
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: Damn, I so badly want you to be a success story....Now I am getting impatient for you.
No matter what happens with XW, I still consider myself a success story, along with all the others on this site that have made the valiant effort to be the best person they could be. But, I agree, it would be nice to post a more recent story about reconciliation after divorce. JJ could find one since 1991?? Doesn't give a whole lot of confidence.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
