As hard as it is to sometimes accept, you are unfortunately on the mark.
Quote: You are falling again, but instinctively whether you admit it or not, afraid of something, so there is this need to pull back, detach, have no contact, but that won't happen, because you are too afraid of what will happen if you don't have contact.
I mostly run away from the statement "afraid of what will happen if you don't have contact", because I want to deny it's true, but unfortunately for me it is. Just like a lovestruck teenager (or even a middle aged man) I want to spend abundant time with her. Meanwhile the more rationale, introspective, DBing part of me says that this isn't the way to go because this isn't a two way street. It could just be my expectations and desires telling me we both want time together and that we both want a more fulfillng relationship. Okay, there I said it. Plus, the thinking part of me says that pulling back some helps me regain some semblance of the control that is lacking.
And what am I afraid of? I'm afraid that a day will come, perhaps today, tomorrow, next week, next month when I press the issue; when I can't stand it anymore and I have to know: where do we stand? where is this all heading? what are your feelings for me? are we going to take this to another level? And she hesitantly, calmly and sympathetically tells me that she thought we were just friends and although she likes me, "we've been there, done that". And I'm disappointed, angry, hurt and not only that, but back to square one. Time to either find someone else that can commit to us or start again from scratch drawing her to me.
So therefore, I say.."I need to give her space and detach", because if I do that perhaps I'll gain a little extra time, a respite, a temporary reprieve from my own impatience that will drive me to determine the status of our relationship. I need time to know in no uncertain terms from her, preferably with both words and actions, that she wants something beyond friendship. I just need time for her to either realize she loves me or for me to realize that she doesn't.
So did I lie to Hope when I said I wasn't afraid of being hurt? Yes and No. I'm afraid of the rejection if I move to quickly, but I'm not afraid I can't handle it. I can start over from scratch, but I certainly don't want to.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: As hard as it is to sometimes accept, you are unfortunately on the mark.
My apologies for being correct.
You are also likely lying to yourself; I know I do.
Yes, I think time stepping back from the situation would give you a respite and perspective, just like any relationship. There has to be a balance between we time and me time.
In most "normal" relationships, marriage or otherwise, it is not healthy or normal to spend ALL your time together. Each person has individual interests, needs and desires. And logical and rational people understand this. You cannot give fully to a relationship if you are not giving to yourself.
In this case, it also helps you find balance. You are acutely aware of your impatience and what is the one thing we preach to newcomers, PATIENCE.
Nothing is going to change NOW, unless you force it and then it will not be, as you pointed out, the outcome you desire.
Consider how far the dynamic has come and changed. She is purusing, albeit at her pace, you have to recognize this, understand this and live with this.
Quote: I'm afraid that a day will come, perhaps today, tomorrow, next week, next month when I press the issue; when I can't stand it anymore and I have to know: where do we stand? where is this all heading? what are your feelings for me?
Bruce commented on this brilliantly in regards to having patience and not trying to force the issue.
Your R with her has progressed nicely since Jan/Feb, wouldn't you agree? What once was a definite WAS in love with an OP is now someone who is lingering and leading contact. Give her time, Wes.
I think you are doing a great job of staying in a positive friendly stance. Keep that going, Wes. If that is a change from the past, wonderful. Are there other positive changes you could initiate on you for yourself? Not necessarily for her benefit, as they would be for you primarily, yet perhaps things that she would notice, perhaps in the guise of your more consistent PMA?
If you have to absolutely pursue, I think you should find some totally random, preferably elderly, woman on the street or outside of WalMart and run up to her and scream, "WHERE DO I STAND WITH YOU?!!! I HAVE GOT TO KNOW!!"
That should be pretty amusing and take your mind off of things. Call me if you need bail $!!
"A lawyer never asks a question he doesn't already know the answer to."- from To Kill A Mockingbird.
Ok, it's not really a direct quote but it's in that book somewhere.
Why do we always want to ask the WAS where we stand? Probably because we want to know and figure they are the only ones who can tell us. They can tell us different ways though. Actions and speaking louder and words and whatever that aphorism is. She'll show you where you are. No need to ask.
Ah, geez....I could use that question from somebody. My dog really S**ks with the deep thoughts and just more or less grumbles because I leave her all the time to work.
Just a quick note. I've been bummed yesterday and today and I guess I don't feel like a meaningless R with XW. I feel all she'll ever do is pull closer, realize that she is indeed getting closer to me, then pull away. It's stupid to even hold out hope. I actually can't lose either way...if she comes back that's fine, if she doesn't that's okay too.
But I'm not going to continue with this foolish life where her kids come over when they want to play games, she comes over when she wants to iron, all her crap is still at my house, and she seems most sweet when she needs something. I'm just not getting enough from this relationship and I feel unless she understands what divorce is like she'll take whatever I give. I mean even when she's giving, like when she helps out around the house, she's still taking. Taking a little while of feeling like a wife without any of the other things. I want my complete independence from her.
I know actions speak louder than words, but sometimes the actions can be misinterpreted and many times the actions are simply not enough. I've decided to draw my line in the sand. I need some unambiguous form of communication that lets me know she is interested in "us" and I mean more than friendship.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
