Traveling the broken road....

[Just_Me]

As hard as it is to sometimes accept, you are unfortunately on the mark.

You are falling again, but instinctively whether you admit it or not, afraid of something, so there is this need to pull back, detach, have no contact, but that won't happen, because you are too afraid of what will happen if you don't have contact.

I mostly run away from the statement "afraid of what will happen if you don't have contact", because I want to deny it's true, but unfortunately for me it is. Just like a lovestruck teenager (or even a middle aged man) I want to spend abundant time with her. Meanwhile the more rationale, introspective, DBing part of me says that this isn't the way to go because this isn't a two way street. It could just be my expectations and desires telling me we both want time together and that we both want a more fulfillng relationship. Okay, there I said it. Plus, the thinking part of me says that pulling back some helps me regain some semblance of the control that is lacking.

And what am I afraid of? I'm afraid that a day will come, perhaps today, tomorrow, next week, next month when I press the issue; when I can't stand it anymore and I have to know: where do we stand? where is this all heading? what are your feelings for me? are we going to take this to another level? And she hesitantly, calmly and sympathetically tells me that she thought we were just friends and although she likes me, "we've been there, done that". And I'm disappointed, angry, hurt and not only that, but back to square one. Time to either find someone else that can commit to us or start again from scratch drawing her to me.

So therefore, I say.."I need to give her space and detach", because if I do that perhaps I'll gain a little extra time, a respite, a temporary reprieve from my own impatience that will drive me to determine the status of our relationship. I need time to know in no uncertain terms from her, preferably with both words and actions, that she wants something beyond friendship. I just need time for her to either realize she loves me or for me to realize that she doesn't.

So did I lie to Hope when I said I wasn't afraid of being hurt? Yes and No. I'm afraid of the rejection if I move to quickly, but I'm not afraid I can't handle it. I can start over from scratch, but I certainly don't want to.