Wes - not to get your hopes up or anything but when XH and I first started becoming more "friendly" with each other, this is almost exactly how we started off. I think the comment "we're strange" was even said a few times. I'm just so damn happy that something good is happening for you!
Ok, ok, Wes, I was the one that was delirious. I'm feeling very jaded over other people's jadedness over ex's jadedness over society's jadedness, so on and so on! Forgive me???
I think this is a great step! Wow, she still likes you!
And maybe a little analyzing/reviewing paid off here, huh? Revisting 5LL was a solid idea. I'll need to think about that myself a bit. Off the cuff, In my sitch, I think respect(w/boundaries) mingled with XW's appreciation for WOA and QT(talking) might be a good plan. All while maintaining my changes and GAL work.
What I wouldn't do for a little grinding action! You are very right there - stay patient and keep it at her pace.
The 3 requests for cigs and the giggle when you said okay was interesting. Any signs of snooping when you returned? Maybe experiment with some thong panties shoved b/t the sofa cushions to see what happens! (j/k)
I'm still smiling, but really worried. Am I going to do something wrong by not initiating? If I initiated will that be wrong? Has she already started to regret stepping over her own personally set boundaries? So I'm left with that I can only be myself and keep doing as I have been. The ball is in her court as it has been since she said ILYBINILWY (she actually said the words, she didn't say the letters. )
Anyway, I really feel there was a significance to today's kiss. Sure there was one episode of making out and heavy petting before, but this is only the second time she's initiated a kiss since the bomb. The other time was early on and she started talking shortly afterwards about coming back home.
But, as was wisely pointed out to me by everyone, I need to have zero expectations, act as if, and be patient.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I stopped by your thread to read your story. You are having some really good things happen! I need to read your thread often. It has really lifted my spirits.
I noticed your analogy about taking it slow like you do in the beginning of a new relationship. That makes a lot of sense to me. I think you do have something there.
Take things slow and let time take care of everything. I learned to become really patient during all of this mess. One thing is for sure. Time makes everything better. I think enough time has passed that a lot of the hurt is beginning to fade and your wife if beginning to soften.
You know what to do. Keep expectations low, be patient and remain positive. Yes, there was something to the kiss. Don't second guess that.
By realizing her LL you have made the discovery of a lifetime. Try to remember her LL everytime you have contact with her, keep being patient and you will receive positive results.
I think the impatience is starting to creep in. Thought I better take a minute to write and regain my focus, which is long term...long term...long term.
Okay, so here's the skinny. No more kissing. There have been several occasions where I felt she was close, but no such luck. But I better start at the beginning.
Friday...no contact. Then evening rolled around and I guess I my "addiction" started to kick in and I needed my fix. I called, basically just to test the waters. She did end up bringing her son by for the night. She stayed an hour and we sat and talked in the garage. Nice conversation that stayed mainly on the New Orleans tragedy and on her. She required a couple hugs, but I did not make any advances otherwise.
Saturday: She calls in the morning and asks what I'm doing. Then says she and some of her family are walking in the park. I told her that none of the boys were up and she said.."well can't you and the dog come?" So I went and it was the slowest walk ever. Not much time to talk since her sister, mom, and kids were there. After that I said I had to run home because I'd promised the kids french toast. She did swing by later, ostensibly so we could run out to give some stuff to "fill the truck", a couple semi trucks that are being loaded for New Orleans relief. She actually stayed for several hours pulling weeds and getting the flower boxes/planting areas looking better. I helped some, then washed her car since she indicated she wanted to do that. I thanked her for her help, then we ran out to the trucks, then to lunch. I was surprised she showed up to lunch, but we stayed quite a while and played the trivia game on the TV. Her sister had asked her to play Bingo so I agreed to watch the kids. Turns out the kids wanted to stay the night after she came by to get them. So, she left, and we watched a movie.
So here it is Sunday. She came by fairly early with clothes to wash. We chit-chatted about last night. She told me of multiple guys that had hit on her (which I didn't much like, but kept quiet...they don't have a chance) and talk about her sister. There was some hugging/touching, but nothing sexual. Then I left to do some work and here I am typing.
My two concerns today: 1) I want some time with just my kids. Should I just come up with something that only we'll want to do or just tell her that I want some alone time with my kids?
2) I'm slipping back a bit. I don't want to want her; the detached part is slipping. I still do my own thing when she's around, but not enough. I have done too much initiating again. And I'm impatient for her to step it up a bit, but this morning I had a talk with myself about "if this was someone you just started dating...yada yada". It helped a bit in remember not to exert pressure.
Okay, any advice or observations is welcome.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Coming into this in the middle esperanza although I have "lurked" your thread many times. You are an inspiration at this point as my D speeds along its merry way.
Quote: 1) I want some time with just my kids. Should I just come up with something that only we'll want to do or just tell her that I want some alone time with my kids?
I'd say if you're having to think about it that much, then that's a problem. You need to just do it. I don't know enough about your logistics to provide a satisfactory scenario, but I lean towards just doing something with the kids. Take them somewhere or whatever. If she invites herself along, I'm not sure it would be wise to deny her, but maybe you can set it up in a way that makes it clear it is just you and the kids. Maybe when you know she can't go? "I know you have to work next Tuesday ao I thought kids and I would go to the ball game" or something like that. If you really feel like you need to point out that you want alone time with kids, then try to do so in the least offensive way you can. "I thought it would be fun if kids and I did xyz together" or something instead of "I want to see the kids without you". You know what I mean.
Quote: 2) I'm slipping back a bit. I don't want to want her; the detached part is slipping. I still do my own thing when she's around, but not enough. I have done too much initiating again. And I'm impatient for her to step it up a bit, but this morning I had a talk with myself about "if this was someone you just started dating...yada yada". It helped a bit in remember not to exert pressure.
It's hard isn't it? I know what you mean. I think you are in a position to satisfy your need for a fix without pushing to hard though. Again, I wish I could give you a concrete example, but it seems like maybe you can do something along those lines that is not too drastic. I wouldn't try to kiss her just yet for example but although physical touch is important to many of us, there are other ways to express/act on the kind of thing you want without it. A long, late night, phone conversation where you just talk about life until the wee hours to the exclusion of everything else springs to mind. But that may be because that's what I remember my wife and I doing back when we first started dating.
Dip back in LL book and look for scenarios that are about her LL that don't involve the overt things (kissing and so forth) most people associate with romance. Your advantage is that she probably will not recognize those things as pursuits even though it will still register with her.
Keep it up man. You are doing great. I hope to follow your lead at some point.
Nice to see you drop by and thanks for your words. I'm trying and I think I'm on the right track. She needs my friendship first and I think the rest will follow. I just need to have more interaction where I solely feed her LL. I like the phone convo idea, but that hasn't really been our thing for quite a while. Our conversations on the phone primarily provide a means of relaying information and arranging face to face meetings. It just seems like she is more the type that wants to talk in person.
So anyway, I have my afternoon with just my kids, but I'm completely beat. It is so hot. After work, I went home and she was still there. There was something....she kept looking for things to either get playful about or I don't know...it was just different. She suggested we get pizza and go to the park. Then suggested we play baseball. So I picked up a couple and we ate in the park, then we all went either skating or biking. She ended up walking so there wasn't any chance for talking or anything. At one point we were way ahead of her and I got a water from the vending machine and brought it back to her and the dog.
After that, despite dying of heat, we played baseball with the kids and her parents. It was fun, but very hot. Then we swung by for a soda. I rubbed her back as she sat next to me, which was probably too much. I kind of just hightailed it out of there before they were done. So, now I need to give her a little space and time to think things through and maybe consider if she wants more contact with me.
One thing is for sure, I'm falling back hard. But this is familiar ground. I've been down this route several times and each time I've lost ground because I got impatient, pursued too much, or got my expectations up and they were let down. This time I need to step back again.
One interesting note: My X's daughter asked me if she could move back here....meaning all of them. I just kind of looked at her and then her mom without saying anything and either did my X. I wanted to say..."I'd like you all to move back, but your mom has some hurtles to cross first...like falling in love with me".
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
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