Traveling the broken road....

[dejavu]

Wes, You're quiet today. Still feeling ill??

[Just_Me]

No, I was out of town. Came back to work that took me up to this point, where I can check my thread and others. I'm not sick (exactly) anymore, but the plane ride was so incredibly bumpy that I'm a little nauseated.

Anyway, no updates for me. A whole Wednesday and so far Thursday without contact. Scary hunh? How can I ever live?

As anyone following my other writings probably can appreciate, I'm in a jaded phase. I hear stories of people saying "I'm so happy with so and so" or "I've found the one" or "I know what I need to do now" and I say to myself or actually write..."yeah right. And how long will that relationship last." When I see my married neighbors I ask myself how long before one of these seemingly happy couples is divorced. There are two hot neighbor women near me and I figure if I bide my time I can catch one of them on the rebound from divorce (50% chance).

But don't misinterpret me. I feel good about me. And I think this process is one where I've learned a lot. I just have misgivings about future Rs and doubts whether my growth is enough. But that's so far in to the future that who cares. I'll cross that bridge if I ever find someone or get back with XW.

BTW, I don't have a foot inside and outside the door; I put the other one inside. Yep, I'm in. I can make it work with her if she gave me the chance. And I judge her on her merits and I do feel she has the qualities I want in a woman.

Anyway, I have this free night to myself and there is dusting to do, a life to get, book to write, a dog to walk, and a sexy pregnant neighbor lady to woo, so I got to get going. Feel free to give me a call on my cell; I'll be walking the dog.

Me

[dogma]

Greetings fellow stalker,

I guess it is easier to catch the pregant women, they can't run as fast.

I guess I don't want to be jaded and you are definitely in that phase. I don't look at or read about other couples and think they are doomed. The ones that really bug me, are when a spouse or X suddenly seems to have an ephinany and the whole previous crap and terrible relationship seems to fly out the window and everything is wonderful. And that is when I think, "Oh come on." A couple of little changes and the WAS seems to notice how wonderful their spouse is and forget the reasons they left and the WAS forgets all the crap they allowed themselves to be put through.

I'm sure you don't want to go through life worrying about every probability that could possibly occur in a relationship. Life and relationships are difficult enough without conjuring up scenarios.

I tell my children to be careful when they go outside, a satellite may fall on them. I suspect the people in Louisiana did not say, "I better not live here or start a business here because a Cat 5 hurricane will wipe out everything we have."

We struggle enough with the daily crap, we don't need to add to it.

Let us know how XW is when you talk to her or see her later.

Have a great evening.

[BethM]

Hi La_Esp,

I was thinking you must be better by now, but I come here to see that you are delirious. Chasing a pregnant woman??? What's that all about? Well different strokes...

I answered you on Bruce's thread pertaining to future relationships. I don't want you to get po'd thinking that you're being ignored!

Love,
Bethie

[Just_Me]

Thanks Bruce and Bethie for the comments. It's not as bad as it sounds. Part of all that is devil's advocate and part of it is genuine skepticism about marriage. But, I know it can be done...I watched my parents do it until my father died. But that was a different time...when divorce was the last resort...not the first or at most the second.

But enough said. Once bitten twice shy; twice bitten God knows how many times shy.

Beth, I read what was on Bruce's thread and took this snippet over here:

I have to believe in myself, for me that's the first step. Yes, there will be mistakes and I'm sure plenty of them but that doesn't mean that any future mistakes will lead us down the same path.

Beth, I believe in myself, that's not the problem. It's that I don't believe in any one else; or at least I'm still skeptical that just when I start thinking that things are great....wham!!! ILYBINILWY....sorry I didn't tell you before what it was that was bugging me so much.

But there is someone out there, maybe a big headed blond bimbo. I've "been there, done that" with this most recent XW and as I said...emotions and past aside she is one I'd like to try with. But just like the sexy, beautiful, and so very sweet pregnant woman down the street, I can't sit around and wait on someone that doesn't want a R with me.

And btw, if you look past the jutting belly, there is a happiness and a glow that eminates from a pregnant woman. No, I'm not kinky in the pregnant woman sexual way. I just think they are attractive.

[Just_Me]

Let us know how XW is when you talk to her or see her later.

Okay, as requested, here I am letting you know. She looked absolutely fabulous. She had her hair done today. It was beautiful and I complimented her on it several times.

Anyway, to start at the beginning. Yesterday, I ignored one call from her; she didn't call back. Tonight I ignored another call, but she did call back on my cell maybe a half hour later. As per usual, she had a request, but neither were a big deal. Every year that we've been married (which isn't many) we pick between us a charity or two to contribute to. This year for her b-day I wrote in her card to pick one of her choosing and I'd donate in honor of her b-day. It's really kind of a gift up her alley. One year she asked me to send the money to her friend instead. So her first request was for me to make the donation for the New Orleans disaster relief. The second was that her son wanted to come over and play a game. I said I had some errands to run, but she could bring him by in an hour or so.

So two hours later she shows up. I'm in the midst of a little work downstairs. I don't bother stopping and eventually she comes downstairs (rather than just dropping off her son and driving away-something she could have done I suppose since she knew I was home). She just had her hair done. It looked gorgeous; I told her so.

Then, for some strange reason she asked if I'd go get cigarettes. I told her that I wouldn't...she could go if she wanted some. Let me backtrack. Neither of us are smokers. She does when she's stressed out or when she's drinking. I do occasionally when I'm drinking and I used to get a pack when I'd go to see her and we'd smoke a few together. Maybe it brings back old times. So anyway, she asked me again as I continued to get the garbage ready for garbage day and I said I was avoiding nicotine. So I went inside and got her a Mike's hard lemonade and said that would have to be her fix. She still didn't come back into the house, but I went back in to fold clothes and said instead of smoking she could chat with me while I folded clothes. She did come in eventually and wouldn't you know it, asked me again if I'd go get some cigarettes. I swear, I don't have the foggiest idea why she wanted me to go, but I agreed, and she giggled. A test of sorts? Did she want me out of the house to count rubbers? Check for women's panties? She even told me to drive her car (btw, I don't like her newer car even as much as the old one of mine she sold back to me).

So, to make this long story even longer, when I came back we sat outside and smoked and talked about the New Orleans tragedy. These things always hit her pretty hard. I mainly listened because unfortunately I haven't been keeping up on it that much. I did check it out tonight and am frankly shocked at the situation. If camera crews can get to these people how come food and water can't?

So without a lot of analyzing, my suspicion is that she just felt a need to talk. She stayed here almost an hour; mainly talking about N.O., but also she talked about her hair color (I think I did something right because after the compliments she talked about it), about her weight (she's too skinny, she thinks too fat), and about this breast lump. If it's not resolved in a week she's going to have it looked at.

Her son stayed the night. I was kind of surprised. He hasn't spent the night when my kids aren't here for quite a while. So I suppose I'll see her in the morning, maybe, if I haven't left for work already.

So now you know what I know and you can tell me to shut up.

W

P.S. I didn't do any physical stuff tonight.

[Just_Me]

I was heading to bed when something occured to me, actually several somethings. No, nothing as good as Jo's X telling her he loves her (btw, congrats on that JO and WTG. I'm so happy for you!)

I realized I have made two really stupid mistakes (and you all are saying..."just two?")
Mistake numbero uno: I have been saying...I won't take my X back unless we go through the usual R things, fall in love, yada yada and keep waiting for the start of that. Isn't that what we have been doing, albeit at a very slow pace? It is very similar to my interactions with the most recent girl, a feeling out period where you have occasionally conversations on the phone, go to supper, talk, and work your way up from there. We've had that. We talk, we go to dinner together (often with the kids, but still a date), go to movies in which my X and I go to a separate theater from the kids, I occasionally try something physically, she occasionally gives hugs. This IS an early R. I just keep wanting it to leap ahead to love. It doesn't mean I should get all clingy (since we only just starting); I need to let her decide the pace, but I have to be there and I have to do some of the initiating.

My second realization really goes along with the first. I read the LLs book and never could decide what my XWs was. She has shown me AOS, so I thought maybe that was it. But the answer is obvious now. Separated by 200 miles and communicating by phone or e-mail for the most part, plus every other weekend seeing each other, she fell in love with me long before I did her. And she fell in love with an internet person that she only exchanged e-mails with. She comes by now and just wants to talk. I realized that her LL is quality time, specifically quality conversation. She wants to talk and wants a sympathetic, engaged listener.

If you are wondering, mine is physical touch. But since I already love her, I can wait to get my LL fed. But it explains why it took me so much longer than her to really get to ILY.

So, as I see it, I'm already in the position I desired. We are in the early stages of the R, but I need to see this as my feelings are just ahead of hers and I just need to be patient and "date" at her pace. I need to be sure to feed what I see as her love line. The e-mail part is dead. We don't pass e-mails at all anymore, but hopefully I can provide some face to face QT. I was looking at things wrong. People often start a R based on physical attraction, but they aren't thinking..."I'm going to fall in love with this person". You just provide enough of what they need until they feel love. So, after all this time, I might finally be onto something. What do you think?

[dejavu]

W - I think you're still delirious!

[dejavu]

Sorry, Wes. That was a little sarcastic! Maybe I'm feeling a little jaded tonite as it was s9's 1st day of school and 'dad' didn't care enough to call or email to ask how it went. Instead, I get to hear how poor my parenting skills are relayed through his ex!

but they aren't thinking..."I'm going to fall in love with this person".

I believe if you're attracted enough to want to 'date' and 'get to know' some1, then there is some underlying hope to fall in love w/that person. Otherwise, why bother? (well, yea there are other benefits, but I wasn't thinking of that!)

It does sound like you're onto something. If one person does enough of the other person's LL; there is always a chance it could lead to a R.

Don't know if any of this makes any sense whatsoever! I'm the one that's getting delirious!
T

[Just_Me]

Hey there,

That was very cruel T! I was not delirious.

Here's the update, pretty early considering I updated last night. Although all ready for work, I stayed a little later at home waiting for X to come pick up her son for school. She called right before she left her place and asked if I'd make sure he had his shoes on and ready to go when she got there. Which I did.

Anyway, I was just leaving when she drove up. As I passed her on the stairs she asked if her son had his shoes on. I said "of course. He's all set." and went to leave. She made a motion like she was going to hug me, but instead kissed me. Then took another step up the stairs and said "that's right. I kissed you." I "MMMmmmm"'d and grabbed her waist. She hugged, then kissed me again, and made a little gyrating motion with her hips. Then she said "we're strange" and walked into the house. I said "see ya" and left.

So there you go. Babystep?

As badly as I may want to, my intent is to continue on as usual. No getting impatient now. Advice?