Well X is back in town. She called because her son wanted to come over for a bit. But just to play a game. I should have said I had plans.
Anyway, I was mowing when she came over and didn't stop even though she had been here like 10 minutes. She finally came out on the lawn so I stopped. Greeted her warmly, smiled, asked how her visit to her friend was. We talked a little bit aboiut her friend. Then she wanted me to check her lump again (that's her breast in case anyone wasn't paying attention earlier). Wasn't really much of a lump the first time I felt it like Wednesday and still wasn't. I moved position to check from behind her and rested my free hand on her tummy while I checked. Anyone, she thought I was making some sort of move or something, but assured her through actions that I wasn't. After that I basically went back to mowing. It was pretty close to how I wanted to be; a little aloof and disinterested, but friendly. She always looks a little surprised by that, but maybe I'm imagining it.
Well, here's my song snippet, since that appears to be the trend.
"Now someday someone's gonna love me true and baby when she does Then I wonder what you're gonna do When you need my love"
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
So much for aloof, disinterested, and friendly. I can't believe what I just did.
I brought my XW's son back. I fully intended to just drop him off and run. I shouldn't have went to the door. She stepped out and said "I found it", referring to this breast lump and wanted me to check it right there in her hallway. Anyone else have this experience. I know jdd, you get the whole works.
Anyway, then she was like "maybe you should check the whole thing rather than just that spot. Did I refuse? I should have, but didn't. So after taking my time examining the one side, she kind of suggested that perhaps while I was groping her that I should do the other side.
After that we talked a bit about her visit and then she made some comment about how I wished she was dead (or that it was cancer). Sometimes I wonder if she says that because she knows I'll deny it and grab her playfully, which is what I did. Well, to make a long story short, I nibbled on her neck and ears and she obviously enjoyed it, but made sure it didn't go anywhere. Things were fine when I left, but I kicked myself repeatedly that I did that. I think she got to fulfill her need to know that I'm still on the hook. Damn me.
Now I suppose I better just run away.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You're human and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. So you were playful, and maybe you showed a little vulnerability. Healthy people can't just shut off emotions. If this fills a need in her to still have you on a string, then shame on her. Let her be left with thinking about what may be missing in her life. Besides, maybe you left her with SOMETHING else to think about.
Don't be upset with yourself. Instead, you should feel good in knowing that inspite of all that she has done to you, you have still shown her caring and concern.
You are a very good person!
Love, Bethie .....now about that date......and do you always neck nibble? I'm just wondering.........
Thanks for the reassurance Beth. Yeah, maybe she did have SOMETHING more to think about.
Quote: now about that date......and do you always neck nibble? I'm just wondering.........
What was it? Two more weeks? You never said whether you were going to pick me up. I neck nibble if it has the intended effect, with her it does. How about with you?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This is were I get confused. Wes, you have obviously GALed to the point were you are comfortable with what ever happens. How is showing your affection wrong at this point? If you did not show it, would she not also believe, there is nothing there and she should just move on? Maybe you also let her with a thought of "this is what I am missing".
jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
"You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban got me through a lot of hard times early on in the S. It still hits the heart when I hear it. I guess if there were one song that defined me and the D, it would be that one. Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" seems to be a song I've leaned on in breakups before, too.
Quote: How is showing your affection wrong at this point? If you did not show it, would she not also believe, there is nothing there and she should just move on?
Jak, the problem is that I've went this route before, coming on to her physically, and it seems like a cheeseless tunnel. It leads to her drawing back from me. I don't know if she would believe "there is nothing there so she might as well move on". It seems more like if I'm aloof and distant that she starts testing, don't know if consciously, where I'm at. I never give it a chance to see if she's drawn more to me. So that's why I'm kicking myself. I needed to be patient with showing my affection.
You share the problem I'm trying to overcome, the feeling that if I don't show affection that she'll move on. First of all, it isn't that easy to just jump right into another relationship. Secondly, if it takes that little to dissuade her from a R with me, then I'm not sure that kind of R is worth it. We both need the time and space to determine whether we want to give it another go. I do believe the saying "if you love something let it go".
But, I'm not kicking myself that hard. It's kind of hard to maintain detachment when your asked to fondle them. And the bright side is that she is comfortable enough with me to ask. Plus, unless I had blinders on, she still digs me physically. I think I would be astute enough to tell if she was repulsed.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
There's s/t very significant in her asking you to check her for lumps. My take? She's truly scared about possible cancer, trusts you to be there for her, yet doesn't quite want it to be seen as a sexual contact b/t the two of you. It may boil down to attention, but try to filter your needs out when this topic comes up, give her undivided attention, and be as loving and kind as you can be. Let her take the lead on anything more, as she seems to expect that you'll cross that boundary.
BTW, that's a huge compliment - that of all the folks in her life, you're the one she seeks to help her address this scary possibility. I'm guessing that her choice of you is a big PMA booster.
At some level, in a cloudy, mixed up way, she may be taking that boundary-crossing as disrespect rather than as a positive. Her 'aha' may have more to do with "Wes is still thinking about himself in sitches like this rather than about me" more so than "I still got him on the hook."
Quote: Let her take the lead on anything more, as she seems to expect that you'll cross that boundary.
Yes, that's true, she probably does expect that. She's in full hypochondriac mode right now. Today it's this, yesterday other things.
Quote: At some level, in a cloudy, mixed up way, she may be taking that boundary-crossing as disrespect rather than as a positive. Her 'aha' may have more to do with "Wes is still thinking about himself in sitches like this rather than about me" more so than "I still got him on the hook."
Actually, the story was abbreviated. I examined without any sexual connotations at all. Then we talked for a long time about it; maybe I was a little too "fix-it", but I tried to be reassuring. I listened for at least 15 minutes to her talk about how she has been scared lately about dying and leaving the kids. She noted that she never felt that way before when she was with me. In fact she didn't even do self exams. After we had talked for awhile she made the comment about how I hoped it was cancer (this is a theme that pops up time after time...she feels I have more anger etc than I actually do...it usually comes in the wake of me being a little more distant). So that started the grab her and pull her on my lap, reassurance that I do not wish the worst for her, and then me getting up to go.
It was when I went to go that I started the boundary crossing stuff after she made comments about me getting the opportunity to "feel her up". But I hear you Gabe. It's about perception and I don't want to give her the feeling I disrespect her feelings. Not to worry. The message was heard. I just wanted to clarify that I did not take advantage of the situation at the time. I kept examination of the lump and the discussion afterwards completely serious.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
.....now about that date......and do you always neck nibble? I'm just wondering......... 