Wow! Thank you all for your intellectual feedback! I love this site! As a newcomer, I am overwhelmed at the feedback! I need that. Let me answer some questions:
My ex and I divorced because we were young and did not know how to deal with obstacles. If we would have gotten some counseling we would have been okay. We lived an hour away and each of us was not willing to move, so we spent our married life in the same house every night (always together), but we toggled between two homes. We also allowed other people to influence us. We have known each other 6 years now, and we have both changed and we are totally different people now than when we first married. We have talked about it, and said that if we could do it again, we would move to a mutual 1/2 way point, and we wouldn't allow others to influence us. I have had feelings for him (and vice versa) since the day I met him. We never stopped loving each other. It was never an ugly divorce. We got married too soon, we had a child (on purpose), we had obstacles come up, and we jumped the gun and divorced. Now we regret it. During the divorce stage, I met my current husband and we became friends. Before I knew it, friends turned into more, and a year passed, and I felt pressured when he asked me to marry him. Instead of coming clean with my feelings, I took the coward road. My ex wants us back together, we discuss it all the time, but we are both scared. Scared that our problems will come back, and scared that we are doing something drastic again. We do not believe that our past problems would resurface, because we have talked about and dealt with them. We just really regret where we are right now. If we died tomorrow, we would not be doing what we want to do. We feel like time is waisting away. I don't think that the "warm and fuzzy" feeling would go away because it never has. We have never been able to excape the warm and fuzzy, even when we tried. I am not cheating on my current husband PHYSICALLY, but MENTALLY, yes I am. I do love him, but there are different degrees of love, I believe. I am with him for the wrong reasons. There is also another factor: I have MS. I was at the top of my game when I was diagnosed. I was teaching aerobics and a cheerleader at UCLA. Then my world came crashing down. I have had a hard time dealing with it. I went from feeling like I was good enough for anyone, to feeling like I was not good enough for anyone. My ex and my current are both "okay" with it. However, I do feel a little more compassion from my current, and unfortunately, that is one of the reasons that I chose to be married to him. I know that both men accept it, but my current does a little more than that. My current husband is my best friend, my "caretaker" so to speak. My ex was my lover, friend & "helper" when my MS was concerned. He motivated me to try and do things myself, but he would step in when i needed him. My current husband does too much, he almost makes me feel sicker than I am. I try to take the wonderful advice of la_esperanza and imagine 5 years down the line, and I imagine myself sitting on my porch with my current husband and being content and being happy, but my heart aches cause it yearns for someone else. And that someone else never goes away, he is always in the picture. He is my childs father, so we will always be in each others lives. My ex (the biological father of my child) has a great relationship with our son. He always has. He has never left him. He comes to get him once a week. They are extremely close. My current husband (my childs step-father) are extremely close too. He is his best friend. I think my child sees him as a playmate. Do you think he will outgrow his need for a playmate and wish that his father was living with us? Or do you think he is more than a playmate and he needs him? To Allan: thank you for your reply. It gave me something to think about. And I will take your post to heart and really think about the flip-side to this. Thank you all for being so helpful - I really need you all right now. Love and friendship!!