Females and low libido

[doglover]

(This is such an active thread, and I am such a slow and methodical poster, that every time I post I discover that several additional posts have happened while I was composing my own which "crossed in the mail". So if it sounds like I'm not responding to recent posts, I probably haven't read them yet)

Hairdog, I think your statement that your W needs to work on thinking and saying "maybe" instead of "no" is good. She needs to think about not closing the door on you. And on herself as well.

I also agree with MrsNOP's statement that for the time being you should take your W's comment that you shouldn't ask at face value. However, I agree with MrsNOP's other comments about the need for reciprocity. If your W wants you to inititiate nonverbally, then it's important that she respond to your efforts with positive reinforcement - caresses of her own or even comments like "that feels good" (but perhaps, in addition to not wanting you to talk, she doesn't want to talk either).

In my own case, a stumbling block has sometimes been being asked "do you want to ML?" because out of the blue, I seldom "want", and I've never been into false statements or faking feelings. "Maybe" is one response. Perhaps asking "I want us to ML - when can we do it?" might be another question.

Nor would I ever ask my H "do you want to wash the dishes?" because I know he seldom "wants" to do it and, in fact, hardly ever even gets close enough to the sink to notice on his own that dishes need doing. However, if I ask him more directly, "I would like you to do the dishes before [FITB]", he will more often than not respond positively. In so doing, I have to get over the hump of feelings like: he should notice that they need doing on his own; I shouldn't have to ask; he should "want" to do them because they need doing and because he knows it will help and please me. The fact is, he is LD and I am HD when it comes to dishes. I need to ask if he will do them, but not if he "wants" to do them. This is where direct communication is important.

But of course, ML is a more sensitive topic than dishes and requires 2 people to interact and both give and receive pleasure so the analogy is imperfect.

Talking about the bottom line frequency of the HD spouse and scheduling sex are two important things I have gotten from this BB. My H doesn't want to live in a sexless marriage and in a basic way, neither do I (though the forms of sex we most want aren't always identical - O is definitely more important to my H than to me; lots of cuddling is more important to me - part of that may also be due to the fact that trying to O sometimes puts performance pressure on me. A good R is important to both of us).

Anyway, knowing that my H wants sex at least once, preferably twice, per week and that we now often plan or "schedule" it, is very helpful to me in knowing what to aim for and expect. Usually now, it's no longer a question of whether I "want" it (but of course my H expects and I do give positive feedback - once we start, I don't just lay there like a log) but a question of deciding when we will do it.

Even so, I know that it is still the case that my H would also like more out-of-the-blue spontaneous "I want you" from me. In a weird sort of way, the fact that my H is now experiencing ED has leveled the playing field in some ways. Due to either fear of ED or perhaps due to some loss of libido from new BP or prostate meds he's taking, he now initiates less often, which gives me more opportunities to initiate first.

[But I wouldn't wish this sitch on anyone as a solution to the HD/LD disparity. It is enormously painful and depressing for my H. But to add an antidepressant to the mix might be the end of sex altogether for him! In 2 weeks he has a long awaited appointment to be checked out thoroughly by a physician specializing in men's sexual health.]

One further thought that Hairdog's post made me think of. In the past I have often found it more arousing to be with my H in a situation where sex is unlikely or impossible to happen. I'm not sure I understand why, but holding hands while walking through an art exhibit or cuddling in a movie theatre can be very arousing to me. But, one problem sometimes has then been that those feelings are lost when we get home: We listen to the messages on the answering machine; I check my email and spend too long at it; I gripe about dishes H left in the sink or newspapers on the sofa; H watches the late news on TV; our semi-adult kid living in a timezone 3 hours earlier calls on the phone. And then it's as if the earlier cuddling never happened.

How to get around this? More communication and more structure. Some of those mundane things should be limited to other hours of the day. Much as we love our 2 semi-adult kids, we need to make it clear they shouldn't call after a certain hour unless it's an emergency. And I am resisting the temptation to get sucked into email (or this BB) late at night. And I am learning to ask H to wash dishes more often but also learning to ignore them and not get resentful when we really should just focus on each other. And making a clear decision ahead of time that when we get home we will "do it" makes it easier to stay on track.

Counselling is helping us communicate better. I should post on my own thread some of the results of that.

DogLover

Thanks, MrsNop and doglover.

We're working on the disparity. Sometimes, it shows up as an argument in which I won't back down (as I always used to do) or me just responding to her with the same sort of tone of voice she is using on me, then pointing that out to her.

My refusing to act like a victim has gone a long way toward me feeling less like a victim, and to her seeing me as a stronger man.

Sure, it's not getting me any action yet in the bedroom, but that will happen.

As for her telling me that asking her if she wants to ML isn't going to work, I just want to tell her (and I will) that she needs to work on thinking and saying "maybe" instead of "no."

Hairdog