I think as long as both men and women, whether LD or HD are leading with the idea that they *must* be horny before initiating sex or engaging in sex, then we may be continuously setting ourselves up for disappointment and dissatisfaction.
Just this weekend, I was touching Ms. HDog in a non-sexual, but suggestive manner. We were in bed, no kids awake. I said, "how 'bout foolin' around?" and she said, "no."
Later, she told me that "99 times out of 100" she would say no to that question. That I just needed to keep on touching and not verbalize. She said, "if you ask that question, and I'm not excited already, I will almost always say no."
I want to share this article with her, because I don't think she'll listen to me when I say, "don't say 'no'...say 'maybe' and try to go with the flow." Isn't that we HD's do when, for instance, my W asks me, "do you feel like cleaning the floor?" The answer is always "no," but I go ahead and do it because I know it is important to her.
I thought that was one thing we were supposed to do when we loved someone.
HD, this is where the communication thing comes in. Of course, it takes two people actually *participating* in order for communication to occur.
See, if the relationship/communication was in a better place, much of this stuff could be addressed beforehand.
I dislike the idea that HD folks are placed in a position to have to creep forward with radar sweeping the nearby area for possible roadblocks. That they must have minded all their p's & q's for the prior x amount of time. That they must tentatively put out their heart once again hoping that the universe will properly align so that they can make love to their spouse. Having to control and squelch their pain upon rejection, or desperately trying to figure out just what worked when they actually succeed.
As you all know, it's not a healthy way to live.
Many of your LD spouses have some unexpressed idea of how it all should go. I think the HD spouses do as well, you're just less inclined to insist that all your criteria to be met. I would also hazard a guess that the LD spouses are more aware of what they don't want than of what they do.
And if they haven't ever accepted the possibility that what they are doing isn't healthy for the marriage or good for the relationship, if they can't step out of their skin long enough to imagine what it must be like for you - then without the horniness, they have little incentive to change.
I would suggest that you take her words to heart for a time. If you are still inclined to initiate, I would just do so - don't talk. Don't ask permission. Don't try to verbally determine what she might want to do.
As you've noted, you clean the floor whether or not you feel like it. That's one of the things I see glaringly wrong in many of the relationships described here.
It goes back to that respect thing we've talked about.
It includes that reciprocity thing we've discussed.
There's is a difference between doing things for your spouse because you love them and when the relationship is one of mutuality.
But, I fear that many of the husbands here have wives that have established themselves as some sort of petulant princesses, who feel perfectly entitled to demand housecleaning, foot rubs, cooked meals, errands, nights out, do things *my* way, etc.
And I don't think any of you receive reciprocal caring even of the non-sexual type. It is this sort of non-reciprocity, non-equality in the relationship that makes you look weak and needy.
And I think that is the foundation that must be addressed.
