Moving On with H

[BeingMe]

H left last night to fetch D19 - it's a 12 hour drive, so not sure if they'll make it back home tonight. Probably tomorrow morning. D19 finally dumped her boyfriend (in our opinion, inappropriate, 34 yr old, immature, divorced, absent father - has 2 little girls - liar, and possible abuser - he certainly treated our D19's twin brother like cr*p, and that was not okay with me. Suffice to say, we did not like him, tried to tell her our thoughts, we were accused of trying to control her, and she's an adult now, H drove to hometown when we found out what was happening, but she wouldn't budge. Ugh!). I hope she has decided that it's time to settle down and go to college, and hang out with people her own age.

In the meantime, I did tell H that I would like him to think about what I said about how his lying hurts me, and that I will not tolerate it any longer, and that I would like him to come home with a plan where I can see that he is determined to show me that I can trust him. I would like to see effort on his part, and a commitment to changing to make our M better. I am tired of all the effort coming from me. And, I need all this soon, because he has been offered a job where he will be travelling during the week, and home on weekends. Not sure if he will take it, but I can't see how I can learn to trust someone I don't see very often. I know myself, and I will just assume he is going to have another A, and I won't be able to handle that. As it is, I feel myself growing away from him, losing that feeling of love and commitment to him and our M. He just doesn't get it, won't listen to me, or really hear what I am saying. So, I don't know what else to do.

On the surface, we made a good start at piecing, but it is slowly fizzing out, and that is always what happens with him. He gets all excited, and determined, and then when he thinks everything is okay, he takes me for granted, and all effort goes out the window on his part. And, I just sit there, thinking, "here we go again". I am just tired of it all. I really am. I just want to move on with my life, but I don't have the feeling it's the right time yet, but I don't think it's far off, unless he does something to convince me that I can trust him, and feel safe with him.

'Eh! I just feel like I am in such a quandary. Torn between staying or running for the hills. In the middle is my darling D13, and I can't just run until I have been through every option, tried everything possible to get this M back on track. Or, leave with no resentments, or grudges.