Moving On with H

[BeingMe]

Did I come across as malicious, or bitter? If I did, Phoenix, then the impression, I think, is wrongly read. I am not bitter toward my H, or treat him maliciously in any way. He has seen the permanent changes in me, and yet still chooses to do what he does. I accept this, as I know I cannot change him or control him. He has to do it himself. However, what I can control and change, is me, and I am not going to spend the rest of my life hoping for some paltry handout from him, that will fulfill just a few of my needs. I will not wait forever, for him to work at gaining back my trust. I have been very patient (far more so, than I thought I ever could be, because I am not a naturally patient person). I only bring up the porn, to show the trend of our SD's, and how my LD was formed. I have forgiven him for it, he sought counselling for it, and seems to be over it. I hope so, for his sake. I worked hard at improving my self esteem, so that I could gain back my SD, and be a good sexual partner to him, but he sees none of that. Quite sad, really - for him! He kept on messing up, lying, and not even trying to hear what I had to say. He does what he thinks I want, and that's a huge pity, because he is missing the mark. I have told him, but still he persists.

I have a wonderful H, in many ways. He is a great dad, too. He provides for our family, and I have always appreciated him for this, even though I have worked most of our married life too. I know he tries, and I do give him credit for that, but (and isn't there always a but) he is just not emotionally or intimately involved, and won't see what I am trying to show him. He chose to screw it all up with his behaviour, and as patient as I have been, there is only so much I can take, and I am reaching very near the end of my tether. I have not told him this lately, because when I have told him before, he would get upset, even crying, but still he would ignore my pleas. So! What's girl to do?

I don't feel justified about anything! I had my part in the negativity in our M. I don't punish him, in fact, I try my hardest to be there for him, support him as much as I am able, try and do things with him. I am no martyr, and never have been. I just vent these feelings here, in the hope that someone would be able to give me some feedback, some other way I could communicate with my H, that will get through to him. I fear he is going to leave it all too late, and I will be gone. I am not bitter, just really, really sad, to the point of almost being depressed because I feel helpless to change, or even inspire change in my H.

Anyway, I know you are trying to help, Phoenix, but in this regard, maybe no-one can. As you advised, I will continue to work on myself, and I will rethink my sitch in about 6 months, and see where things are then. Right now, I am confused, hurt, but determined to do what I can without exposing my already raw emotions to any further damage.