Moving On with H

[BeingMe]

When H and I got married we were both pretty HD, but when he got into the porn stuff, I allowed my self-esteem to plummet, and would vary from HD to LD. My H remained HD, and would get angry and upset with me, but would not see that his actions had anything to do with how I felt. All water under the bridge now, I guess.

It seems now, I am back to normal, and he is LD, or something. He does not like to talk about sex, or about our needs (never has), until it gets to boiling points, then he everything he has bottled up comes spewing out. Or if I tell him my needs, when he has asked me to do so, then he deliberately ignores those needs. If I ask him why he does this, he says "well, now it won't seem natural if I respond". Ugh! He hasn't done that in awhile, but when I ask him now, why he isn't interested in my, sexually, he comes up with some weak excuse after another. Sometimes, he seems interested, and I know that if I pursue it, he will respond, but I am done with pursuing him - for now. I did that for 8 months, where we would ML everyday (sometimes up to 5 times), only to find out he was still lying to me. Finally, we came back together, and he lied again! I told him then, that he has gone past the point of having a last chance, and that if he wanted this M to work, then I would have to see some more effort from his side. And, you know what, I saw less effort! So! What does that tell me? I have no idea, but I'm not putting myself out there again, just to have my feelings trampled on. I am nicely detached, and at this point, it won't matter to me if he stays or goes. I am done with feeding his ego too. Time for him to grow up, I think. I have worked on all my issues, so he can do so too. I am almost at the point of being done with waiting for some sort of indication that he is interested in me romantically/sexually speaking. He tells me several times a day, that he loves me, he is affectionate, and sometimes playful, and we go out on dates - all very positive points. But, there it ends!

I just don't know what to do, other than put myself out there again, and make myself vulnerable to him again. However, he has proven that to do so, is to invite a lot of pain and hurt. So, I am affectionate back, tell him I love him, am also playful, and happy to go on our dates. But, there it ends. It seems we are in a stand-off. So weird!

There will come a time (knowing myself) where I will just let it all go, and leave. I was at that point last year before he begged for me to take him back, for one last chance, then I found out his lie, and he begged again for another last chance. How many last chances should anyone have, before the LBS is just being stupid?

I don't feel he owes me anything, or want him to make up for what he has done to me and our family. I have let it all go, except for the odd flashback, or my lack of trust (not just in him, but in most people now, unfortunately, and I am trying to work on that). I just want us to have the marriage we had before all the porn cr*p, and before the MLC garbage, and EA. We had each other's back then, we could talk to each other about anything, we loved each other very deeply, and ML often (not too much, and not too little, IMO). We were connected! But now, it seems, as if we are wary of each other, at least, I know I am of him, especially in this last year.

I have asked him to go into IC'ing, or MC'ing, but he doesn't want to. He is open to Retrovouille, so I am looking into that. I just don't know what else to do. I just won't compromise my still tender emotional health.

I will give it some time, however, and then push for something, and see where it goes, but until then, I take it one day at a time.