Moving On with H

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix! I am just not sure what advice to even ask for. On the surface, everything seems okay, but there are little hints at what may become potential problems. For instance, my H never initiates ML. I stopped last year, after discovering that he had lied to me again about contact with OW. I did explain to him why, that I felt that I had done everything I could, and still he lied, so now it is up to him. Since then, I doubt if we've ML more than 10 times. We are very affectionate with each other, but there is no passion, and it galls me to feel that unless I initiate (which I had been doing as a 180 when I was in extreme DB'ing mode), then he is not interested. I did talk to him about how I need to feel he is at least trying to romance me - not all the time, but occasionally. But, it falls on deaf ears, as it has since we got married 20 years ago. He told me that he is just that way, and I should accept him as he is. Now, that would be fine, except he never accepted me the way I am, and isn't marriage about compromise, and trying to fulfill the needs of each other, and intimacy and all that good stuff?

At this point in time, I feel I have done everything I could to save our M, and not just save it, but make it better. He has become apathetic again, and I am just fed up, although I have not communicated that to him yet. I'd rather wait until I can say it clearly, and with as little anger as possible.

It's just funny that when I would go through periods in our M when I was depressed and disinterested in ML, how angry and upset he would get, but when he does it, then that's fine - I just have to be understanding and accepting. It's really one-sided in many ways. I just wonder if it's depression (although he seems to be coming out of that now), or if he is still in contact with the OW, and doesn't want to betray her with me. I don't get the sense that either is the case, but then I am at a loss as to what it could be. Maybe, it's me! Or, maybe it's physical (but, he won't discuss this with a doctor).

So, where to from here?

On top of all this, he turned down a really good job in California, because I don't want to move. I just feel that where we are is best for our D13, until she finishes school. He agrees with me, but I still feel that I held him back because I would usually support any career move, but this time I decided that it was way too soon to move to a new city (and country) so soon after moving here. I did tell him that he could go if he really wanted the job, but he said, "no, it's a family decision". That is certainly a positive.

Eh, long post, sorry. Just don't know where to go from here, or how to shake things up. There is still the trust issue too - just can't shake it, and he ain't doing anything to earn it back. I guess I'm just going to have to be patient. It's just that I feel so unattractive, and unsexy, since my H doesn't deem me worthy of romantic pursuit (although he asks me to tell him my thoughts, and when I do, he just ignores what I tell him, so I don't do so anymore). Not sure if that makes any sense, but it's just how I feel right now. This piecing business is not easy!!