Moving On with H

[BeingMe]

Good to hear from you, Phoenix! I am not having a great day today. I spend way too much time alone, being in this new city - and so, way too much time on my hands, to think (can't wait for the new semester). The only people I interact with, are my H and D13, store attendants, occasional email from friends, the bb, and very little from church (I don't even have VT's here) . I know that I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but I also know I will pick myself up and move on tomorrow. Unfortunately, I am somewhat of a social person, but at the moment I feel I am becoming a recluse.

I am thinking of asking to be released from my calling, and taking a break from church. I don't have a feeling of belonging at church. Eh, we'll see how things go (this is something I have struggled with for years, and don't know what to do about it. Every time we go to a new W, I hope that things will be better, but it's just as clicky as the previous one, just as affirming to me that there is something wrong with me. I usually make friends so easily outside of church, but within - not so much, although I seem to even be having problems with making friends outside church these days). H has been having similar feelings, so I know it's not just me. Anyway, that's my big issue right now, and at least my H is supportive here.

H and I had a bit of an argument last night over finances. We have very seldom fought over this issue in our 20 years marriage, but I am still feeling very insecure in our M, and I feel he is not being responsible with our finances. This is probably also why I am feeling somewhat down today.

I have an appointment with my C next week, and I will be starting to deal with issues related to my family (parents, siblings, etc.). Also, issues from my first marriage - it was abusive, and I also lost twins at 5 months, that still haunt me today (literally, I have nightmares on occasion - never was able to deal with it at the time, since I was trying to deal with the end of my first M, and my XH was not one of those empathetic, understanding, supportive type of guys). In my last session with C, she suggested I give the babies names, have a ceremony of sorts, to say goodbye to them - there was no funeral, and the bodies were sent to a teaching hospital (only found this out after coming out of hospital - probably XH gave permission, because I was pretty much out of it, having lost a lot of blood, etc). Hopefully, this will give me some sort of closure with that.

I feel I have worked so hard to change to a better me, but stuff keeps surfacing, and I have to face them now - can't keep putting it off anymore. I may never have closure or a reconnection with my family, but I have to deal with the feelings that come from my past negative interactions with them, their lack of support at my lowest points in life (such as when I lost the twins), and low self esteem I developed as a result. This has all, I'm sure, played a huge part in my M, but also is playing a part in my mistrust of H, and anyone else, for that matter. I also have to find a way to stop blaming myself for everything - have been doing that lately, and it's really starting to become a load.

Anyway, just venting here. I am seldom feeling down - usually, I have a pretty upbeat attitude, but today is a day I wish I could just cancel. Ha!

Hope y'all have a good weekend.