Moving On with H

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix! Thanks for checking in. Just got two assignments in, and our new house is okay, but still lots of work to be done.

I am okay, mostly. I have my ups and downs, and sometimes I wonder how the heck my life turned out like this. I used to be such a positive, upbeat person in my home country, always feeling things will always turn out for the best. But, since moving to North America, I find myself feeling out of place, and I lost a lot of self-esteem and confidence.

I am finding the confidence within myself again, and that took a lot of inner searching and questioning, and trying to reconcile myself with my past. However, it hasn't helped my M much. My H just expects me to trust him again, but isn't willing to earn it, at least not in the way that will help me in any way. He will not talk about how he is feeling, or much of anything else really, either. I am also feeling immensely lonely here in our new town. I just don't feel like putting in the effort to make new friends, and work on new relationships. I was very happy with my friends in our old city, and I miss them. It took time and effort to build those friendships, and now I am just feeling very much without any support. I have been seriously thinking of going back, with or without my H. I don't feel I have any emotional support here, not even from my H, who sits on his computer all night, and never initiates a talk with me, or anything, not even ! So, you can say that I am at the end of my rope, but I did decide to wait until the end of the year, and see how things are then. I doubt whether things will have improved, because I know my H from many past things that he has done. He never changes, he never tries to make up for what he has done. And, this just makes me really angry, that I have turned myself inside out trying to save our M, and our family, but he just sits back and does nothing. Very tired of it all.

Anyway, it's nice to come here and vent, and know that others feel similar feelings. At this moment, I despair of ever finding lasting happiness with H - he is too lazy within a relationship, is emotionally bankcrupt, and quite frankly, I think he is still lying about the OW and how much involvement there is. So, I am planning on moving on, but am still going to give him one last chance, but will say nothing. He has to figure it out himself this time.