Last night my bf talked quite a bit about what he and his C have been discussing. The C recently had prostate surgery, so they were able to talk about ED issues. The C told him to go to a urologist. The content of their convo wasn't all that "meaty" , but I was just so glad that bf got to discuss this with another guy.
The C did say something very interesting. He's real into Wild Man stuff and archtypal masculine behavior and stuff like that, which is so affirming for bf, who was raised without a father.
The C said that biologically, viscerally, physically it's natural for the male to be somewhat sexually shy because his genitals are on the outside of his body. He must physically protect them. I guess it's only testosterone and the resulting aggression (when it's functioning) that makes a man push past that and expose himself and his genialia to a woman who just might chop them off. I mean, I'd be scared to stick my favorite and most vulnerable part into that dark hole, too! Yikes! Anyway, I thought that was interesting in light of the other thread about sexually shy H's.
What I can't figure out is where some of the H's on this board get the stamina to keep reaching for sex when they are shot down and rejected year after year.
We had a good talk about sex last night and I'm feeling a bit optimistic at the moment. Hope I can relocate my sexual desire if I should happen to need it.
My bf and I went out to eat tonight. I had ordered The Vagina Monologues from netflix and it arrived the other day. We were talking about something and he brought up, "I guess we're going to watch it tonight, huh?" We have his kids this weekend and I said that L (one of the twins-- they're 16 yr old girls) had said that she really didn't want to see it (the show). I said to him, "I think they're old enough to see the Vagina Monologues, but I wouldn't be too comfortable with all four of us watching it together. I'd watch it with them or with you." He agreed and then came out with this, "I'm not even very comfortable with you saying the title right out here in public in this restaurant. Last night when B [his therapist] was talking about 'penis this' and 'penis that,' I was aware of being VERY uncomfortable with that explicit language."
This was really interesting to me. He is kind of prudish, which would surprise you if you saw him and met him because he exudes masculine confidence... this is so interesting. I can see kind of where it comes from, but it still surprises me when it pops up.
So then he said kind of humorously, "Let's not talk about it any more, let's just watch the damm thing so we don't have to take the chance that someone will hear us."
So I said, "Well I'll just refer to it as the 'Virginia Chronicles.'"
And he said, "Yeah! Or the 'Martian Chronicles"!" because his C is always talking about Mars and Venus.
It was really cute. He's approaching it as medicine that I want him to take, but he's being a really good sport about it. And of course he's probably curious. It's a great show that covers women's sexuality from the hilarious to the heartbreaking.
Who knows? One of these days I may fall in love with him.
I am not asking for perfection, I am asking that my wife be 50% of the women she once was. I am wondering though if we are not striving to be soul-mates, then what are we trying to be? What kind of relationship is successful?
I really do wish you would review (if you haven't already) your past posts. If you do you will see that you do have this circular thinking that IS expecting perfection from her...and possibly from you too for that matter in your R. That is tooooooo much pressure on either of you to succeed.
You said...your goal was to be soul-mates. But you also said you were closer to being soul-mates several years ago....that means you were NEVER soul-mates to begin with. Logical conclusion right? That means then that you actually asking your W (if your goal is truly to try to become soul-mates, which I still believe you are or you aren't) to be 125% of the woman she is now. (50% to get to halfway of where she was when you met + 50% to get to where she was (not a soul-mate then) + 25% to be a soul-mate)...which is what you've stated your goal is.
I'm just breaking down for you how it appears here on the BB, to me. You may think you are asking her to only go back 50%, but if your goal (as you stated) is something you've never been....then you're asking much, much, much more than you think.
And since you've stated soooooo many times that if we can't be this, or she can't do that.....that the R isn't worthwhile I truly think you are setting both of you up for failure.
Just from an outsiders' perspective...who has been continually reading your posts, YOU are setting goals so high there's no way she (or you) can reach them. I don't see you setting short-term attainable goals (at least not here)...just these HUGE, idealistic goals which, CeMar no one can reach without having smaller attainable goals beneath them.
Do you hear what I'm saying here? Really put some thought into this....really go back and read your posts, you will see this vicious cycle of circular thinking I'm talking about. I've pointed out to you before, others have too...yet you are still trapped in it. I truly believe you are going to find it nigh-near impossible to make improvements in your M while you are trapped here.
Hmmm... I think quizzing CeMar about his expectatins, etc., and expecting something different from him is a circular kind of process...
Anyway... we watched The Vagina Monologues last night and my bf loved it! You can't help but love this wonderful show, written and acted by Eve Ensler. When you see it in person, usually it is done by three women, but Eve did it all, and she is fabulous. The monologues are based on interviews she did with over 200 women and they run the gamut from side splittingly funny to tender to sweet to gut wrenchingly horrible to awe inspiring. I would encourage EVERYONE on this board to rend this dvd and watch it alone or with anyone who will watch it with you.
I know he was apprehensive going into it, and in fact, he even said that if he got uncomfortable, he would leave the room. But he loved it and reacted completely appropriately to everything-- There was one segment where she told the story of how she came to love her V. by having a man who loved to look at her V when they ML. At first she was embarrassed and squeamish when he wanted the lights on and just wanted to look at "her." But when she looked in his eyes and saw the awe and beauty that he saw and felt.. she describes this so beautifully-- "they both got lost in her." It was very moving... and when it was over, he just said, "Wow, that was fabulous!"
I don't disagree with you at all on this...I've stated before that he's an exercise in frustration (which is exactly what circular thinking is IMPO). I'm just an eternal optimist rather than a pessimist (which I believe CeMar to be)...so I take a break from trying to help, and then I try again later
I haven't seen that yet...but have heard awesome reviews on it. I'll have to rent it, I'll be interested to see how my H reacts to it or if he does since he's so tightly controlled.
Just a quick question is it just certain terms in sex that your BF does not feel comfortable with. Just wondering because like with my daughter she does not like the word breast she is more comfortable with boobs. She does not like a male member to be called a dick or other slang words but she is fine with penis. Just certain words cause her to feel uncomfortable with sex talk she says these words sound dirty to her? Weird logic I am sure but was just wondering if it was a all or nothing situation with your BF or if it is like my daughter where it is just certain words that make him uncomfortable.
Just my 2cents but I do not think becoming soulmates is obtainable. I think it just happens from the begining. I do not believe a person can work towards it as a goal. It is more of a hand of fate.
That is my take on "Soul-Mates" as well, which is why I stated to CeMar that he's has a goal for his R and an expectation of his W that she's not likely to attain....IMPO he's setting them both up for failure if "Soul-Mates" or nothing at all is really his goal. Sure, I think they can improve things...but why would he be asking her to now be something she never was to begin with?
, but I was just so glad that bf got to discuss this with another guy. 
