Thank you for clarifying that every little thing does not have to fall into the love language to make it your love language. I do see what you are saying and it makes me feel not so alienated or freakish to the fact that I can not find one that I feel really fills my tank up very far.
Maybe I am over analizing and trying to be to logical in my throught process when I am reviewing the languages.
Lil,
You asked me a question and I am going to answer it first with your own.
Let's turn that the other way. What if your boyfriend seldom spent time with you. What if there was no garden work, no choir, no trips, no weekend visits, no church, no dinners, little or no interaction on a daily basis. What if he just showed up at 9pm each night, wanted sex and then left? Lil your answer
No question about it-- I would cease to feel special or loved if ALL he wanted was sex.
Okay so I have the sitch Mrs Nop asked about. I have no real relationship. No activies or interreations that I hold in a fond place with my H on a daily basis or weekly basis. But he still wants sex all the time. So you throw out the he leaves afterward and you pretty much have my life in a nut shell. Though you yourself do not think this would leave you feeling special or loved think about it long term forever and always. Truely think about how it would make you feel if every contact you had with your BF was in the realm of sexual contact how it would make you feel I would wager a guess what you now seek as a positive from your BF would become a negative. It would not build your self esteem but take away from it. To feel you can only be loved when your pants are down I don't see where that can be a self esteem builder.
Lil you are a smart educated lady and I am sure your boyfriend sees you as such. But what if none of that mattered what if nothing you have accomplished in your life mattered to him what if he never encouraged you to grow or speak or even take a bath as long as you were ready eager and willing when ever he was hard. I guess you would feel self esteem up the gazoo right? I think you might actually start feeling like it would not matter if you were a illiterate backwoods creature as long as you had been taught to [censored].
My H is not a monster and I am no puritan I am overly stating actions but not feelings. When sex is a focal point in a marriage to the HD it feels as if you have to chase I understand that you feel deprieved But as a LD that chase can become overwhelming and make your mind go to places that I just described and you start running as if it were for your life.
Chrissy, you said earlier that your self esteem derives in no way from your H's sexual desire for you. But you have an H who pursues you for sex a lot, so how do you know your self esteem is in no way connected to that? You say that if he stopped pursuing you sexually it would not harm your self esteem at all... but I question that. I think you might very well have the reaction that Jen is describing
Simply put I see no way of deriving self worth or self esteem from someone I lack respect for.
My marriage is a hollow shell and I am a invisable being within it. The only thing that my R contains is my H's sexual desire, no friendship, no dreams,no common goals.
And I am nothing more then His wife. No person. In my R Chrissy is a imaginary entity that only lives within my mind. Sorta of like the imaginary lumberjack guy people pass around the board.
So where you say *You say that if he stopped pursuing you sexually it would not harm your self esteem at all... but I question that*. I say go ahead and question it but I am pretty sure I know how I feel about the subject.
And as to the same reaction that Jen had well yes I may think someone else is in the picture after awhile knowing my H the way I do. But since I do not derive a sense of being attractive from my H I do not think he can take from what he does not give so I will pass on that one. And upset no like I said before I feel it would be a chance to build a real relationship not just a sexual one.
You two are in a grocery store full of food, you are satiated, even stuffed, and you cannot imagine what it is to starve... to long to look at your partner and hope so badly see that twinkle in his eye, whether or not he reaches for you physically
Okay Lil I will conceed from a HD viewpoint it looks like I am living in a grocery store and I should be satisfied.
But from where I stand this grocery store offers food of no substance and while it is all around me I am starving to death. The food I crave is not sexual desire so what is offered to me is nothing better then rot. And though I do not long to see a twinkle in my H eye based on sexual desire. I do long to see when one based on love humanity compassion or interest.
Lil word of caution here. and you cannot imagine what it is to starve these words stated as such are you telling me what I can or cannot know. These are words that leave you open to be slammed as in you presuming to know how another feels.
I do know how it feels to starve Lil, I just starve for different things then you do. I am interested in knowing what you starve for. I am interested in your opionions and questions. I do not discount your statements I just do not always agree in whole with them. Nor do you mine. I don't ever want you to feel I am attacking you it is not my purpose. Nor do I believe it is Mrs Nop's but when you ask for a LD perspective you need to be open to the answer you recieve. It will not always validate what you think that is why we are different. But it does not mean we cannot learn from each other. Believe me I have learned alot in my short time here.
