Why not have sexual encounters on that list. I ask because I too think like this, but it is usually about the best sexual encounters I had with my wife. Can sex be considered quality time?
Chrissy, when you think of in-depth relationship, I believe you had mentioned deeper conversations. Are you wanting personal revelation type conversations, or are you thinking more of the philosophical type meaning of life sorts?
I think any conversation above what chemicals he loaded today Or what the kids did or did not do would be a improvement. But I would love to share dreams and daydreams and wants and needs in conversation also. I would love to talk religion,politics share points of interest. Share little knowledges gained from experiences. Viewpoints on current issues or even examine what if's. This is a big want of mine in a relationship. it is what I feel is a foundation of a relationship a friendship. But that is just me and my thoughts.
In your question to Lil I thought you were describing my H almost to a tee. Was wondering if you met him.
Quality activities yes this would be nice we use to do things together until the meanness came into the picture what use to be quality time then became dreaded events so there is little of this in my life with my H. Yesterday there was a blip of quality time. About 15 minutes prior to my H leaving for work I sat down on the couch beside him. I put my feet over his lap. He tickled at my feet for a moment. I changed positions and put my head against his shoulder and he put his arm across me. No hands heading for my breast or crotch or rubbing involved I actually relaxed for about 5 minutes and a small wift of a feeling for him came to me I kissed his arm (a peck) and he annouced he had to leave. This small amount of closeness I felt for him is quality time for me and very rare. Normally he would ruin it by petting me. That small twinge of a bond that I was allowed to feel was sweet but fleeting but a thought I will cherish more then any memorie of his show of sexual desire. So yes maybe quality time is important to me.
No question about it-- I would cease to feel special or loved if ALL he wanted was sex. That is not a problem in this R, nor in many of the Rs on this board.
Lil
You are projecting that from a HD point of view. I believe if most of the HD spouses were on this board posting you would find that this is a problem with a large amount of R on this board. You may find a large amount of people percieve there S in just the way MRS NOP question came across.
Quote: No question about it-- I would cease to feel special or loved if ALL he wanted was sex. That is not a problem in this R, nor in many of the Rs on this board.
Lil, You are projecting that from a HD point of view. I believe if most of the HD spouses were on this board posting you would find that this is a problem with a large amount of R on this board.
I do beg to differ with this... In the past year (it will be in 5 days) that I've been reading this board, I've been struck by how many HD people ON THIS BOARD (not speaking for all the HD people in the world) are really overall satisfied with their marriages and the one thing they would change is to have their LD spouse more sexually responsive to them. Karen, IHJ, GEL, GGB-- and honeypot until she morphed into an LD person recently-- have said they love their spouse but would like there to be more sexual connection.
It is my perception that most of the HD people posting here are NOT grossly discontented with their lives and their relationships and that the low frequency of sex is just one more thing on a long list of cr@ppy things about their Rs. Just the opposite-- most are pretty satisfied except for the sexual part. (I grant you that there is probably more going on and that the sexual disconnect is a symptom, maybe even the tip of the iceberg, but I stand behind my statement that most people are pretty satisfied with their Rs overall.)
Others can correct me if I'm reading their sitch(es) wrong.
Quote: I do beg to differ with this... In the past year (it will be in 5 days) that I've been reading this board, I've been struck by how many HD people ON THIS BOARD (not speaking for all the HD people in the world) are really overall satisfied with their marriages and the one thing they would change is to have their LD spouse more sexually responsive to them. Karen, IHJ, GEL, GGB-- and honeypot until she morphed into an LD person recently-- have said they love their spouse but would like there to be more sexual connection.
I think Chrissy put HD in where she meant LD in the following quote:
"I believe if most of the HD (LD intended)spouses were on this board posting you would find that this is a problem with a large amount of R on this board. "
I stumbled on that as well, but took it to mean "most of the spouses of the HD folks here", which she meant to write as "most of the HD's spouses" Well, comes to the same point anyway.
GGB is correct I was speaking of the spouses of the HD people of the board. And while yes I agree most of the HD seem content with other aspects of there relationship other then sex and frequency and need to feel desired it does not mean that there S or the LD partner feels that same way.
No question about it-- I would cease to feel special or loved if ALL he wanted was sex. That is not a problem in this R, nor in many of the Rs on this board
But what I was truely addressing was the I would cease to feel special or loved if all he wanted was sex. This is not a problem in many of the relationships on this board.
How do you know that Lil you nor myself know how the spouses of people here feel. They may feel like all that is wanted of them is sex. They may not feel like all is satisfactory within there relationships other then the sexual frequency. You dismissed this as being a reason for problems for most HDs here but yet you do not know how they feel about there M how the pressure or percieved pressure makes them feel about there spouse or marriage. I believe that was the point of MRS NOP'S question in reverse to you was to point out that what one person in a relationship feels about the relationship is not always the way the other person feels about it. She was telling you to take a look from the other side I do believe. And I am sure she will correct me if I am wrong
Quote: MRS NOP'S question in reverse to you was to point out that what one person in a relationship feels about the relationship is not always the way the other person feels about it. She was telling you to take a look from the other side I do believe. And I am sure she will correct me if I am wrong
Good point chrissy. The problem is, some of our spouses will only say what they don't want in a R, not what they want, or are willing to do to build the R they want.
Chrissy, honey, I'm not claiming to read other people's minds... I'm only going by what people post on this board. I'm not speaking for their spouses. I was only addressing the attitudes as I perceive them of the HD people who post here.
To recap: I do not glean from my reading that, generally speaking, there are other huge areas of discontent on the part of HD people with their marriages.
I said in my post way back there that I acknowledged that my bf regards me as special. I said that one of the ways in which I wanted to experience that "specialness," i.e., the way that I'm different from the other women in his life, is by seeing some behavioral evidence that he desires me or sees me sexually.
Mrs. NOP asked what if ALL he wanted was sex and that was the ONLY way he expressed the fact that he sees me as special.
I said as you quoted (out of context)
Quote: No question about it-- I would cease to feel special or loved if ALL he wanted was sex. That is not a problem in this R, nor in many of the Rs on this board.
What I should have added to clarify for you was
Quote: That is not a problem in this R, not in many of the Rs on this board as far as I can infer from the posts I read here.
What I meant by that statement was that in my case, and in my perception of other HD's sitches on this board (derived from reading) is that we (the HD people) acknowledge that we are the beneficiary of loving gestures from our partners, just not sexual gestures.
So the sitch that Mrs N hypothesized (namely that "all he wants is sex") is not the case for me, nor is it the case for many of the HDs on this board, as far as I can tell from the HD point of view from what I read.
I think you may be missing the point that - you are hearing of the quality of the relationship based on one spouse's view.
Everytime I have read from *both* spouses, the picture of that relationship changes.
Everytime I hear more details about a relationship, I can see how there are some real issues going on. It's usually pretty easy to see other's, it's our own that get a little difficult to decipher at times.
I would hazard a guess that the spouses who aren't posting here have issues with the spouse that is posting. It is possible that the posting spouse doesn't know the issues, doesn't recognize the issues, hasn't been told the issues, couldn't hear it when they were told.
Or all of the above. Or more.
Is that because folks here want to deceive? Absolutely not. The fact that we are having issues is indicative of our difficulty in communicating about ourself and our difficulty in reading our spouse.
I used my example as an extreme. Add back one thing at a time and at what point would you find the relationship viable? At some point, the sex alone is not enough for your relationship FOR YOU. You have other desires and needs that must be met - by your boyfriend.
Sex does it for you. But because it is of such importance to you, it's as if you can't conceive that *other* people have criteria other than sex that leaves them feeling loved and special.
Why would we want to equate the marital relationship that Chrissy or I might want as "just roommates"? Sex for me is an extension of the relationship. It isn't the leading component. It isn't the defining component.
As an aspect of the relationship, when the relationship suffers the sexual interaction is going to suffer. That's reversed for many of you, if the sexual relationship suffers, then the relationship suffers.
