Thanks everyone for those very thoughtful responses.

Karen, I totally agree with what you said in your posts. There is a "unique enjoyment" with the spouse, even if it's watching tv or shopping at Wal-Mart. It's not "just" about sex, but the potential for sexual connection-- the sexual vibes-- are there-- or at least, we want them to be there.

Karen's and Mrs. NOP's comments are particularly interesting. Mrs. NOP wrote
Quote:

I wanted to see grins of pleasure aimed in my direction when we were together - that we were together! I didn't want it based on whether or not it was something he would have chosen for his spare time.

I could have done all of those things with someone else - but I wanted to do them with NOP. No one else was capable of meeting what I wanted to have with my husband. To keep limiting this to sex only is to miss it.

This could be the crux of the matter... those special looks and that sense that of all the people in the world, he wants to be Here and Now with you: this is what I want, and frankly what I think HDs and LDs both want.

I don't think we're "limiting it to sex only" in this discussion; I think we're saying that that feeling of wanting to do "all of those things" with Him and Him only is in fact a sexual connection that, at least from the HD perspective, creates a yearning toward some kind of physical fulfillment-- holding hands, kissing, and ultimately ML.

This is such an important question that I hope someone can answer it: If that feeling of wanting to do "all of those things" with Him and Him only does not create a yearning for physical connection at some point, then how is it different from a roommate, friend-friend connection?

In my case, I don't get that look from my bf-- well, I do from time to time, but I can't count on it. AND I don't get sexual advances either. Does he feel that special way about me? I'm not sure, but if he does, how do I know, since his ways of expressing his love for me are also the ways that he expresses love to his mom and daughters. (Karen, for example, on Valentine's Day, he buys four identical bouquets of flowers, one for each of us.) The sexual connection that I wish I would see between us is not "just" (there's that word again) about physically making love. It's about that special bond, the one way in which we have the potential to connect that we do not have with anyone else. The nature of that connection is the way in which I am different from the other women in his life.

Sex is not the essence of the connection that I want with him, but it is the essential fulfillment of the connection that I want to have with him.

When I don't see that desire, when I don't see that special look, how do I know that I am, in fact, special to him?

Mrs. NOP, is it possible that you're so accustomed to being with a man who wants you consistently and reliably, and has done so for many years, that you cannot imagine what it would be like to be with someone who was physically indifferent to you? And how that indifference might make you wonder if you were indeed special to him?

Honey, I think Karen put it well. It's not so much about LL. It's about the desire to have him declare/ make evident in some way that our bond is unique and special.

This insight has been so helpful, because it has helped to explain why I've felt so rocky from the beginning. In the beginning I was not sure of my welcome. Whenever the phone rang, I thought it was him calling to break up with me. It wasn't anything in particular that he did-- in fact THAT was it: he wasn't doing anything in particular to let me know that he had found the Woman of His Dreams. Wow! It would be so cool if he would say that: that I am the Woman of His Dreams! BUT if he said that, and then still never touched me... that's crazy-making stuff, for sure.