I had a really interesting session with my C yesterday. She's not exactly a therapist; she teaches this technique called "focusing," which is sort of like the Vertical Drop from Undefended Love, but you get there quicker and can apply it in all situations. It's a way of going inside and getting a sense of what is going on with you physically and emotionally in any given situation.
Anyway, maybe some of this will be useful to someone in clarifying their own emotional position. We talked all around my feeling re lack of physical affection/sex in my R, and bf's ED issues, and his attitude's effect on me, etc. Where we got to was quite revealing.
The bottom line is that I do not feel that his love for me is for Me as a special and unique person (yes, I know the need to feel special is a uniquely 4 trait, but bear with me..). We were talking about things that make me feel loved by him. He does do many nice things for me. For example, last week I was feeling bad and he cooked me dinner and I really appreciated it. But he would have cooked dinner for anyone who was feeling bad. He offered to make a total stranger a carrot cake last week. It's a lovely quality of his. He calls me by a pet name (actually we call each other by this name), but he also calls his Mom that name, his daughters, AND our dog! I don't call anyone else by this name except him.
I want interaction, contact, something from him that he only gives to me and no one else. Others on the board have said their R's have become roommate R's. Well, what distinguishes loving roommates from lovers if not sex? But it's not "just sex" (hate that phrase). Sex is an indication that your partner sees you in this special unique role that is reserved only for you and no one else.
Speaking of the dog... when he interacts (is it really interaction if all the dog does is look adoringly at him?) with the dog, he says stuff like, "Buddy is the BEST dog in the world.. he's the smartest, the prettiest, the cutest." Well, dammit, I'd like him to be saying that I'M the smartest, prettiest, cutest... but I know he doesn't see me that way. I cannot seem to rise to the level of specialness with him. THAT'S what's missing from this R. He told me early on, before we got too serious, that his Mom and daughters would always come first. His former gf couldn't get past this... he would tell her, "You're not last; you're just not first."
I certainly don't want to supplant them or compete with them (and I make a point of not competing). I feel that I have joined them and am on an equal plane in his affection and regard. He would probably kill to defend me, as he would to defend one of them.
Those of you who are married can at least say that at one time each of you chose the other above all others. That is a drawback to not being married, although certainly many unmarried couples have the same level of commitment and specialness that married couples do. (And one of the reasons gay couples want marriage to be available to them, so they can make this binding public declaration that is very meaningful.)
No one has to remind my of my ambivalent feelings for him apart from the lack of sex. I know he is reflecting my own ambivalence back to me. I've know that-- it's just that this discussion of my wanting to be special uncovered an interesting aspect of it.
There's more- but I've got to run to class-- the C shared with me that she had a 7-year R with a guy who was physically impotent from an accident (but otherwise physically okay), and that for a couple of years he wouldn't talk about it and was basically mortified and ashamed. Finally when she realized what was going on, gradually they were able to bring it out in the open and become creative in their expressions of affection and sexuality. She said it was the most satisfying and rewarding sexual R she has ever had (she's also in her 50's like me). Needless to say, this really got my attention. I mentioned in the first line of this post, that she's a teacher of this technique, not a C, because normally a C would not share an anecdote like this. But the synchronicity of my winding up with someone who can so totally relate to my sitch is pretty remarkable.
