I came across the following yesterday at this address: enotalone There are a lot of pretty good articles on this site.
Quote: What Is Sexual Desire?
When we talk of "low sexual desire," we are talking of a lack of interest in sex. In street language, the person with low desire does not get "horny," or does so infrequently. Without desire, there is little or no biological motivation to be sexual. Individuals without a sex drive do not understand why they are not interested, and might not even know what it is that's missing. They feel powerless when expected to want sex.
[snip]
Think of sexual desire as a hunger. If a person is hungry for food, he or she will be motivated to eat, will enjoy eating, and will be satisfied once having eaten his or her fill. The person will reminisce about a good meal, will tell friends about what tastes good, and will look forward to eating again. The sexual drive is also a biological hunger that motivates behavior, influences thoughts, and invades fantasies. Despite the similarities, there are differences, however, between a hunger for food and a hunger for sex. A person is not likely to feel hurt, rejected or unloved if a partner does not want to eat with him or her. Not so when a one is not sexually motivated, for this is often taken much more personally by the partner with the greater appetite.
[snip]
All too often we confuse sexual desire with emotional love. I have heard many people, men and women say to their partners, "I you loved me as much as I love you, you would want me as much." Love and sexual appetite are not the same. Physical attraction, sexual chemistry, physical lust operates on a totally different program than emotional caring and commitment. It is wonderful if there is both love and mutual sexual passion, but by a desire for hot sex is not the same as loving and loving is not the same as wanting. Those who would argue with this must be fortunate to have both, but loving couple with a desire discrepancy understand what I am talking about.
To fully understand the nature of desire, one has to consider that when everything is working, desire precedes sexual excitement, and desire is the motivation to seek that arousal. Arousal precedes orgasm. It is in being arousal that orgasm becomes a very attractive goal. In a sense, then, the sexual response cycle is wanting to get something started so that it can be ended. In the process of doing so, it is nice giving pleasure to a receptive partner, fostering the intimacy of a relationship, and nurturing the shared love... but biologically, the drive is to get started, get hot, and get finished.
Ironically, any one of the three phases (desire, arousal and orgasm) can occur independently, without all the phases happening. That is, there can be desire and arousal, but no orgasm, a concern experienced mostly by women (addressed in other articles). Some older men still have desire, but are unable to become aroused, yet with stimulation of their soft penises, they will ejaculate (orgasm). There can also be arousal and even orgasm without being driven by desire. In another article on this site I talk of "jump-starting," and I'll not repeat that here [Couldn't find this article- Lil], other than stating that there are times when a person with no libido can become turned on and experience a wonderfully pleasurable orgasm, but shortly afterward will honestly state, "That was nice, but I don't ever need to do it again." This can be very frustrating to a person who believes that by providing a fantastic orgasm for a disinterested partner, that partner will be "cured" of their low desire. It doesn't happen that way.
Concerns about desire discrepancies make up the most frequently heard complaints in the offices of sex therapists and on the online question and answer boards.
Unfortunately, this is the most difficult situation to reverse. It is practically impossible to talk someone into feeling something, and often the attempts to do so either drive the persons further away or cause them to feel guilty.
Is There Any Hope For Increasing Sexual Desire?
A person who has felt desire but then has lost it, is likely to miss the feelings and want to pursue change. On the other hand, a person with chronically low desire does not, in essence, know what it is he or she is missing and is less likely feel motivated.* [Lil's asterisk] In fact, they often perceive the problem as being their partners' problem. Any feelings of anger, resentment or guilt within the relationship will further dampen an interest in discovering what it is to crave sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.
If the relationship is good, and emotional issues will not get in the way, sex therapy can help discover ways to stir arousal. However, this often will seem a bit mechanical as, for I have said, it is difficult to build in a biological hunger.
*This reminds me of something I read a few years ago about some deaf students. These were kids in college who were quite accomplished in sign language, had many friends, were academically successful, happy, and well-adjusted. In this particular group, all had been born completely deaf; none had ever had any hearing at all.
Some kind of surgery became available that might give some of the students the ability to hear normally [Oops! The N-word!]. The parents of the students who might be candidates for the surgery were very excited. Now their children would be able to hear mom's voice, the birds in the trees, music-- some of the sweetest things in life are sounds.
But the reaction of the students was quite different. Since the students had never heard birds, the wind in the trees, the Beatles, or dad's off-key singing in the shower, they didn't know what they had been missing. Their own evaluation of themselves as whole and functioning human beings did not need "hearing" to make them any better. They felt (and very much to the credit of their parents and teachers) that they were 100% a-ok fine just as they were. In fact, they became upset when the parents suggested that being able to hear might make them happier and improve their lives.
This is the part that blew my mind: The students felt that the only possible motivation the parents could have for wanting them to have the surgery was because all along the parents had been ashamed of their deafness and had hidden it! Now that the surgery was available, the parents' true feelings could come out and they could stop pretending they were not ashamed of their deaf children!
I saw some parallels with the LD sitch. If you'll recall, a while ago I asked one of the LD women on this board who has an active sex life with her H because she loves him, if she should find herself in a R in the future, would she want an active sex life because she has seen the benefits of being sexually close to her current H? She never really answered the question, and I think maybe the question made no sense to her. What she said was something like, "Seeing how problematic differing drives can be, why would I want to stir up trouble?"
Some of us on this board have been fortunate enough to have had very satisfying sexual R's at some time in the past. Some had good sex in the early years of the marriage. Some of us or our partners fall into the group (or we hope they fall into the group) that he describes above: "A person who has felt desire but then has lost it, is likely to miss the feelings and want to persue change."
But I think there are some people who are just LD, have always been so, and will always be so. They are like the deaf children who are completely okay with it and don't understand why others think being able to hear is so great, since they are totally fine with themselves the way they are.
[Disclaimer: I'm not saying that LD is a "disability." I don't want to go into the difficulties of learning to hear as an adult or the viabilty of surgery. Sorry I can't find the original article. No insult intended to deaf people, users of sign language, parents, college students, or anyone really.]
The N-word!]. The parents of the students who might be candidates for the surgery were very excited. Now their children would be able to hear mom's voice, the birds in the trees, music-- some of the sweetest things in life are sounds. 