Quote: I bet this weekend left you feeling pretty darned good...even if there was no nookie involved
GEL
You're right, GEL. I do feel pretty darned good. It's so nice to go upstairs to our bedroom and look at the improvements that we've made, her contri, my contri, and our contributions all exhibited there to look at and enjoy, and the improvements are close to being permanent. Whereas, the relationship will have its' ups and downs. We took it to a better place and hope to never look back but the relationship is a whole lot more fragile than plaster walls and Dutch Boy paint. Yet....the relationship has endured storm after storm after storm.
W is on vacation this week. When we had both gotten up on Monday morning (still not in sync with our rising/retiring times) both our kids had left for work at their summer jobs. I suggested that we should ML. W countered with remembering that she owed it to me to do the 10 IS that she was too over the top to do the evening before. So HD short term gratification lost out to long term (I hope) R building. We did it....the 10 IS exercise and discussion.
See my previous post for my answers. Hers are as follows: Affection, the non-sexual physical touch; Appreciation, being recognized for accomplishment or effort; and Attention, conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care, and entering that person's "world".
It gave us both some things to think about as we try to go deeper into our relationship. Her initial response to my answers was that I only got one of her answers and one of my answers right!! Like she aced it and I didn't figure it out right?
I tried to get her to see that all of our answers were right for each of us as individuals in a R. When I answered for her, differently than she did, I was holding up my own private mirror for her to look into to see how I envision, conceptualize, and relate to her. My own answers for myself are like looking right through me. I didn't get any answers wrong, neither did she. The answers are just our own insights into how we see our R in the present tense.
What's interesting about her responses is that she answered for me in the same three statements as herself. Even though I think of her as mysterious, and she kind of likes being that way, I think I hold back more when it comes to revealing who I really am (HD&LC). Thus the projection on her part of who she is onto me. Also, it explains my need for Acceptance, receiving another person willingly and unconditionally.
When we got through with the exercise W revealed that she liked the 5LL questionaire and our discussion about it this weekend better than the 10 IS that we took this morning. I'm probably over-analysing, but I think the 10 IS was harder because of having to answer what you thought your spouse would reply. I don't think she liked not answering for me the same way as I did. Although she stated that I got the answers wrong when I did her, I think she felt the same about not getting me right, Hello, R growth opportunity just came knocking here!
Just as I feel she needs to explore my answers for both of us on an ongoing basis for a while, I want to continue to think through and identify what it is that she answered for both of us. Mirror, mirror on the wall....not. Mirror, mirror in my bed....yes.
Right now lackanookie is IMHO, a combination of needing to pull back to her own space, feeling a little uncomfortable about the growth in our shared space, as well as the taking charge of the wall paper araingement, and being uncertain of how that will play out this week. She told me this evening that the wall paper lady isn't coming over until Friday. Maybe having that information assimilated, and the kids rushing off to work in the morning, she will relax and join me for some quality time in our BR, even if she sees it as AOS to me.
All-in-all, the 10 IS has only begun to sink in for both of us. We are much more comfortable with our long and lazy discussion about the 5LL, but time will get us familiar with and in tune with the 10 IS as well.
