OK. I've eluded to this fact in a few other posts, but not yet given it center stage type attention, which I would like to do now. Six weeks ago, when I took the 30 question questionaire in the back of the 5LL book I came up, no surprise here, Physical touch dominant and Words of Affirmation next highest priority in the 5LL. Next I gave the book to my W somewhat blindsightedly to her, asking for her to take the W's questionaire. She shocked me by agreeing to do so, and did it. Her results, only 10 minutes or so later were tabulated without any sort of fudging, exactly balanced evenly between all 5LL. This was even more of a shock to me.
The questions that I'd like to open up for discussion are, has anyone else experienced this result in their R? or how about, has anyone experienced results where 3 or 4 of the categories are matched as equal or close to equal?
All I can get out of this experience is that I need to speak to her in all 5LL. I am willing to do this but for example, I don't know what quality time would be to her, except maybe being there to help her with anything that is on her agenda, like redecorating our bedroom. Yet to me, quality time would be discussing our R in a relaxed, non-threatening way. Also in another thread I mentioned, regarding gift giving, part of perfection would be knowing what gifts I should buy her for her birthday, anniversary, and Christmas. She wants me to figure it out.
I understand giving out WOA, AOS, and PT, and I'm doing OK with those.
Anyone willing to jump in here and lend me a hand?
I posted some questions a bit back in a post called 10 Key Intimacy Questions it's a post our C gave us. In this you are supposed to pick your top 3, rank them in order and then do the same for your spouse....if she'd be willing to answer those questions, since she was willing to do the questionnaire in 5LL's, it might direct you better to her actual LL's. There are subtle differences in the questions, but they make a difference....and it takes awhile to really put some thought into them to truly answer them. I question how seriously she tood the questionnaire you gave her if she completed it in 10 minutes.
GEL: Here's your whole post from back in June. I think it's worthy of a re-read here....
Quote: My LDH and I have been discussing a questionnaire that our C gave us...I thought some of you might find it helpful as well. The idea behind this is for you to pick your top 3 intimacy needs....and then pick what you think your spouse's top 3 are as well. If your spouse (or SO) is receptive, ask them to fill it out just as you have as well.
The idea behind this is to compare what each of you have once you've filled this out.....then discuss specifically what you feel goes into your top 3 and your SO's top 3 from each person's POV.
My LDH and I found this pretty helpful so far. I honestly found myself staring at these questions for an hour, trying to honestly answer them for myself....because many of them are very similar, but there are subtle differences. This was not easy homework....but it was nice to know that (for us) we actually have gotten to know each other pretty well. I managed to peg my LDH on-the-money on his top 3 needs, and he got 2 out of 3 on me....but I understood why he picked one I did not...as it was very nearly the same.
Here are the 10 Intimacy Needs....
GEL __________________________________________________________
Acceptance - receiving another person wilingly and unconditionally, especially when the other's behavior has been imperfect; being willing to continue loving another in spite of offenses.
Affection - Expressing care and closeness through non-sexual physical touch, carefully respecting the boundaries of the other person; saying, "I love you".
Appreciation - Expressing thanks, praise or commendation; recognizing accomplishment or effort.
Approval (Blessing) - Building up or affirming another, affirming both the fact of andthe importance of a relationship.
Attention - Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care; taking thought of another; entering another's "world".
Comfort - Responding to a hurting person with words, feelings, and touch; to hurt with and for another's grief or pain.
Encouragement - Urging another to persist and persevere toward a goal; stimulating toward love and good deeds.
Respect Valuing and regarding another highly; treating another as important; honoring another.
Security (Peace) - Harmony in relationshps; freedom from fear or threat of harm.
Support - Coming alongside and gently helping with a problem or struggle; providing appropriate assistance.
I am going to print this out and use it as part of what I consider to be quality time this coming weekend.
I am also intrigued by your comment that she might not have given it enough consideration if she completed it in 10 minutes or so. I didn't really consider it that way because we were sharing a very leasurely vacation day without any high importance items on our agenda. Besides that, professionally, she processes information for a living.
When we do this next exercise, I will stress taking her time. Thanks for the questionaire and your insights.
It is possible your W was able to honestly fill out the 5LL questionnaire that quickly....some people can do this. I guess what it really made me wonder though is this...did she fill out the questionnaire by simply choosing the answers that popped out at her (by gut instinct) or does she really know why she picked her answers?
I'm able to fill something like the 5LL questionnaire out fairly quickly too, initially....by picking out the key words I feel are important, but that's usually because I'll see an answer and think "yeah, ok that'll work" but with the intimacy needs below there's a bit more thought required....I had to think "why" am I choosing this over that and why would my H choose this over that?
Quote: All I can get out of this experience is that I need to speak to her in all 5LL. I am willing to do this but for example, I don't know what quality time would be to her, except maybe being there to help her with anything that is on her agenda, like redecorating our bedroom. Yet to me, quality time would be discussing our R in a relaxed, non-threatening way. Also in another thread I mentioned, regarding gift giving, part of perfection would be knowing what gifts I should buy her for her birthday, anniversary, and Christmas. She wants me to figure it out.
I understand giving out WOA, AOS, and PT, and I'm doing OK with those.
Anyone willing to jump in here and lend me a hand?
Maybe she's just one of those people that strike a strong balance. I know on some of the personality tests, especially the more generic ones, a person can fall right in the middle and be difficult to peg.
Do you have no idea what would be quality time for her? Does she ever ask you to do something with her that you have had no interest in and therefore didn't go/do? Does she want you to hang around in the kitchen and the two of you cleanup together?
If you've had relationship talks in the past and didn't get the impression that this is something she really enjoyed, then I would think it safe to say that she doesn't consider relationship talk as quality time.
I know for me, one aspect of quality time was for the two of us to be out in public together, whether it was at a movie, a park, a party/dinner or whatever. There was something oddly bonding to me for us to publically be a "couple" out in the great wide world. For NOP, quality time was having me nearby when he was *doing* something. You can see where there would be some discrepancies between those two.
He could have offered me all of the quality time in the world via his preferred method listed above, and I would have not have my desire for quality time met. No brownie points and little relational bonding.
So, no idea at all at what she considers quality time?
The "10 Intimacy" needs are not directed at sex on purpose. Those questions I posted were an exercise our C gave us directed at getting us to know our intimacy needs outside of the sexual realm....that is why you don't see sex per-say listed in there. It's not that it's not important, it's merely that part of this particular exercise is finding out what your partners (and your own) intimacy needs are outside of that.
Quote: Do you have no idea what would be quality time for her? Does she ever ask you to do something with her that you have had no interest in and therefore didn't go/do? Does she want you to hang around in the kitchen and the two of you cleanup together?
If you've had relationship talks in the past and didn't get the impression that this is something she really enjoyed, then I would think it safe to say that she doesn't consider relationship talk as quality time.
Mrs. NOP: Good questions here. Yes cleaning the kitchen could be considered quality time to her. I feels like quality time when we help each other clean the kitchen. As for the R talks, that would be quality time for me, definitely, and probably not for her. Just like my painting our bedroom ceiling tomorrow will be an AOS in my perception, to her it could be quality time.
I thinking while we are working on the BR remodelling this weekend, I'll try to bring up some low key R topics of discussion (like the results of the 5LL survey). This could be blending what are AOS (painting) for me with AOS (talking about the R) for her. At the same time painting the ceiling for her could be seen by her as quality time, combined with R talk could make it quality time for me.
Or is all just AOS? Good question for her to answer, KWIM?
One final thought before heading home for the weekend, redecorating our bedroom together has a metaphorical connection to working on our R. The desire is that when the bedroom is looking better, the R will be looking better as well.
WM
PS. Anyone ever hear of the BR being referred to as the playground?
