We call Aussie Rules football 'airial ping-pong' although my youngest step sone was a star Aussie Rules footy player before he got a brian tumour when he was 17 - I spent my entire 20's ferrying him to footy practice and games.
This weekend is the real Grand Final. Caaan the Tiges ....
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Interesting weekend so far. H bought a new car last week because apparently his is buggered and the mechanic told him to sell it immediately. Rather than trade it in he got a new car and has left his here for eldest step son to arrange to sell. I'm a bit annoyed because we haven't come to any financial settlement yet, so debt on new car is really a joint debt - but good little DBer that I am, it was like water off a ducks back.
H called me several times yesterday for not very much reason, but he came and dropped the car off and 'B for Boyfriend's' car was in the drive way. We were out in my car, looking at houses for me to buy, but rather than risk facing him H called the house to say the car was there for step son - didn't come in.
He needed the cheque book and asked me to drop it to him at his bowling club. I had the refugee girls and we were on our way to the park, so I said we'd walk up and give it to him - which we did - he was chatty and happy and perhaps a little put out that we were going to have a nice afternoon on our own. After that a couple more missed calls on my mobile.
Nothing today.
I just don't get him - silent all week - then calling me without leaving messages, buying a car without discussing it with me, but leaving his old car here. Moving towards selling our house - but not very fast.
I wish there was something I could DO to facilitate a discussion about whether or not this house selling/divorcing/etc is something we both still want, because I think if we had that discussion we would both have to agree it's not. We haven't had such a discussion since last Christmas - but then again we haven't really had any 'discussion' since last christmas, except the one where he said "this was the break up that never should have happened", and then went home to his partner.
I'm so confused.
Off to watch the Grand Final now. Go Tiges Go.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Quote: because I think if we had that discussion we would both have to agree it's not.
Here I am, don't start the rumors yet!
I think this seems to be one of the biggest challenges/frustrations facing many of us...and that is how do we let our S know that we still love them and wish to make our Rs work without violating DB principles. I think we get fearful that if we DB too perfectly our S's will think that we are done with them and even if in the back of their minds they may want to reconcile, they themselves lose hope.
Anyone have an answer to that?
WB, your H is like my W-ambivilent. That is in fact a good thing. It sounds like there is plenty of hope in your sitch, hang in there.
While DBing is a great guide for us. It is also only that a guide for us. We sometimes have to also instill a bit of our own methods into the guide. Like finding out where we stand and if our efforts are getting us anywhere. If not we face the risk of standing still forever.
I don't think a year of not knowing if things are any better is what DB'ing is about. I would venture into that almost year void not to far but far enough to see if there may be any trace of light at the end of the tunnel. How else does one know if they need to make variations and changes to what they are doing in effort to improve there sitch. I am not talking having a needy whinny whimpy conversation. I am talking you know I am at a place that I need to figure out how to plan/proceed with my future. And where you fit in with that if at all. I will need some input from you to help decide that aspect. So if you could give it some thought and let me know some time with in the next few weeks we could then sit down and discuss things type conversation. If your spouse is sure they want out you will no it. If your spouse seems hesitant to say they want out then you know something is still holding them to you. A year is a long time for someone to be given to decide. I do not think DB'ing is to be used to avoid closure. There are some here that have been doing it for years? I think it is about making sure you try. It is about showing you how to. But it is not suppose to be about living the rest of your life waiting for your spouse to see you have changed while they are out living there life.
Hey Wb, are you a sick puppy after celebrating the Tigers' win last night? It was a good match.
I wish there was something I could DO to facilitate a discussion about whether or not this house selling/divorcing/etc is something we both still want, because I think if we had that discussion we would both have to agree it's not . Yes I feel this way sometimes too. I guess your situation is a bit more urgent though, especially as you are having to look for a new home.
Hang in there. Your situation does sound confusing. Your H does sound as though he is confused or at least grappling with his choices. One DB day at a time I guess
Thanks guys. I've been thinking that I'd like to write a note to my husband along the lines of ...
H, It seems like we've been in a twilight zone this past year. Before we finalise our separation I need to ask you if this is what you really want? I feel that despite us being separated this year there is so much between us unsaid.
On 21 November this year we will be eligible to to apply for a "no fault" divorce, but I'd be lying if I said that's what I want.
I'd like to reconcile with you because you are my soul mate and my love. I'd like to be a team in managing the situation with (the refugees), enjoy Joanna's coming baby girl, experience the boys grow up - maybe get married and have their own families.
I'm going to be OK if that doesn't happen. I know that I'm fine and my future is bright and truth be told I'm looking forward to a new beginning, one where I put the pain of this past year behind me - but I can't get away from the idea that it is possible for us to make that new beginning together. Regardless, I'd like to be sure that I've left no stone unturned in making sure ending our marriage is what we really both want.
I'm sorry for leaving you without trying to figure this stuff out. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. Given a chance I promise I would never hurt you like this again.
I guess, before we start splitting up all our assets I'd just like to make sure this is what you really want - because I'm certainly not sure it's what I want.
All my love - Ginny
Grateful views, howls of "don't do it", editing or editorial tips (especially point out any really bad DBing stuff I've let slip in).
Thanks
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I don't think it's non-DB at all. DB is not solely about the "No R talks" rule. There are components of asking for what you want. There is nothing pleading, clinging or needy in that email. And because you are in the situation of H being involved with OW because you left, it's brave and intuitive of you to give him an opening for reconciliation which his pride might prevent him from initiating.
I have been catching up with your thread over the last couple of days and I have to say that I admire your courage and the way you manage to be up beat in every single interaction with your H.
Thanks for your support on my thread. It means a lot.
I read through your note and I liked it! As the WAS, I think it is important that you do show you want to work on the R, maybe a little persuing as well as drawing in would be a good option, so this letter fits the bill.
I was wondering if it would help if you mentioned how your attitude to the R has changed, because H really seemed to notice when you talked about the situation with Refugee Mum and her decision to move away..?
And if I was you I would write more about the fact that you would bought be having a new R, rather than resurrecting the old R...
If nothing else, this will give H's ego a boost and even that's OK!
