WB - You rock! You are so strong and compassionate. It sounds like your H is really conflicted, and all of your actions are making this increasingly hard on him. I wish I could give you a post near as insightful as the one you wrote on mine, but all I can say is YOU ROCK!
WB, your H's behaviour is very strange. Drinking alone in a pub next to his family. Do you think on some level he is reaching out? Considering what he has left? He doesn't usually drink there does he? Things don't seem to be so rosy in OW land. It is a sad situation, but you are handling it so well. I love the scene of all of you including the dog sitting around eating lasagne. I hope the dog got leftovers
I’m sick and I didn’t want to pass on my germs to anyone so I’ve been off the air. I bet you’re all pleased I spared you. Despite double pneumonia and chronic bronchitis, things have been pretty good here. Cough ! cough ! hic ! cough !.
H and I took RFD13 and her mum to the induction at her new high school last night. She won’t start there until Feb 2006, but they have this really good induction process so the Year 7s are very comfortable and know what to expect when they get there next year. I was a bit pee’d that H was late, although the smile on RFD13s face when he arrived was worth bottling. She worships him. He knew it went until 6.30pm, but he’d made plans to play tennis at 6.30 so he had to leave at 6.15 – while there were still presentations going on. His priorities haven’t changed.
OK, now the parts that I need your opinions on.
When he got there he sat in the seat we’d saved for him at the end of the aisle. I was sitting between RFD13 and him, with RFD13s mum (who I’ll refer to as RM for refugee mum) at the other end. Part of the process for the night was for RFD13 to fill out her electives, interest in the laptop program, sports teams etc and she had all the forms in her lap. She’d fill one out, pass it to RM to sign and then me to hold so it wouldn’t get mixed up with those still needing attention. H kept leaning over me, and seemingly deliberately brushing my hands, my arms, my stomach etc to have a look at her forms. I didn’t pull away from him, but I didn’t lean in to him either.
When the forms were all explained and completed we had to break into House Groups and go to another area of the school for House meetings. It was really nice. The senior girls had made cards for the new Yr 7s and had chocolates for them and stuff. H was explaining to RM what the pastoral care system was and how RFD13s would stay in the same House for all the years she was at high school etc etc, but then when he realised it was getting close to time for him to go – it was like he was asking me for permission. He said, oh, it’s 6.15, I’ve got to go. He was nervous and antsy. In fact he’d been kind of nervous all evening. I just said “OK, see you later.” And he looked surprised (albeit relieved) and snuck out of the room, kind of nervously looking back.
We finished up at the school and I took RM and RFD13 back to their place. I can’t avoid driving past the tennis court on the way home and sure enough there is H playing tennis with a male friend, no OP in sight.
So why was he nervous? He did all the leg work to get her into the school, I was there to take them and drop them home, so it wasn’t going to cramp his style or disrupt his evening.
Why did he keep leaning on me? Why was he in my personal space?
Why did he ask my permission to leave and race off like a little boy late for the marbles tournament?
Why hasn’t he mentioned the sale of the house for nearly 2 weeks? I saw the instructions for the solicitor asking them to write up the contracts – but nothing now for 2 weeks.
Why can’t I just get over it and get on with my life?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I've started to write this about 4 times over the past few days and I just kind of fade out when I start to write/think what is going on with me. I just don't know.
I've been pretty sick which I guess puts a bit of a downer on everything.
H called regularly last week. Just talk about the refugees, the kids, $$. Still no mention of the house - which is starting to worry me because if all goes according to the last plan I need to have a new house to move into by 6 January so I need to get moving. It's strange that I can't even bring myself to have a conversation that important with the man I used to share everything with. I'm so in the DB swing that I feel as though bringing up the sale of the house would be "pressuring" him. I'll give it another week or so.
My step-daughter came back from the snow and has been staying with us. RFD16 is spending the weekend here too. Refugee Mum got a rush of blood to her head last week and has decided she wants to move to Perth (she has all the characterists of a WAW - she's unhappy so she thinks she's going to be more happy moving somewhere else). RFD16 is in Yr 11 and next year will be her final year of highschool. Her psychologist says moving now would be the worst thing in the world for her - so the current thinking is that she would stay here and live with me. I don't know how I feel about that.
In Dodgers posts he's been talking about his counsellor saying that there may be some "breakthrough" with XW. She may try to initiate a R talk or have physical contact. I think that is what has been happening with H. The "kiss" a few weeks ago, the invasion of my personal space at the Yr 7 induction night, the regular calls. But he is still well and truely with OP.
In some ways its hard having my stepdaughter here because she is more open about her fathers activities than the boys are and she'll regularly speak about H and OP. It's better when I don't know what they are doing and they are not in my headspace.
Last night RFD, stepdaughter and youngest step son all went out with H (I was still in bed coughing and spluttering) and OP wasn't there. So that's something I suppose. They didn't get home until 2am - so they had a big night.
I'm going out with B for boyfriend tonight. That's another little issue. He is far more into it than I am and I'm worried about the potential to break his unblemished little heart. He's so sweet - but the timing is all wrong for me.
I guess I'm just tired. Tired of waiting, tired of caring, tired of looking after so many bloody teenagers and young adults, tired of wondering what tomorrow is going to bring. Tired of my sad sack attitude. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Oh WB, where do we start, where do we start? How about, welcome back!
I don’t understand why you can’t ask H about the sale of the house. It’s not really an R talk, is it? Can’t you be business like and just explain that you need to know so you can make plans for you new digs? Wouldn’t that be a little DBing in the essence that you are relating to him that you are moving on? Might just scare him a bit, don’t you think?
Re Dodger’s and your “breakthrough,” same think may be happening here. W even suggested a date (remember the movie) and seems to want to spend some time with me. She too is probably still seeing the T (twerp) but she appears to be confused. Is your H the same way? Take advantage of it by continuing to attract and keep him ambivalent.
Re Stepdaughter…You actually have a good source of information as to what is happening there that you may not want to cut off. If it truly does bother you, just say, “SD, I really am uninterested in H and OP’s activities so please do not mention them to me.” That should be enough.
WB, I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, coming from a former young boy, (20 +++ years ago), please be careful with him. Can you be completely honest with him and say something to the effect of, “B, I really appreciate and value your company and I have a good time with you. But I do want you to know that I am truly interested in saving my marriage, and I hope you understand that.”
Lastly, WB, we are all tired. I sometimes (OFTEN, ALWAYS, NIGHTLY) lie completely awake at night and think, this is really just a nightmare, right, I am going to wake up and everything will be o.k., right? None of us on this board ever imagined this; we all thought we had perfect Ms and Rs. Oh well, tomorrow will be a better day. And hey, you being down under, you’ll get to tomorrow before I will!
As usual you are right on the ball. I can bring the house up. I'll do it early next week. Particularly now that there is discussion about RFD16 living with me - I'll need some certainty.
Stepdaughters information is interesting. On one hand all the kids are victims of divorce, so they are pretty guarded in what they say - they've been through it with their own parents and there is a code that they have always stuck to about speaking about their other parent - so she's subtle, but she does let some things slip.
For example she said the other day that H and OP don't seem to be a couple - she said they are more like friends. They don't really interact with each other lovingly - they don't hold hands or tease each other - they just sort of go places together. She said they don't have the easy banter that couples normally have. In response to a question she asked me the other day I replied - "You know SD, if H is happy, I'm happy, that's always been the way with us." - she just looked away and shook her head sadly - like letting me know that she's not convinced that H is happy.
But none of that changes the fact that he choses to live with op, and be with op.
Now, B for boyfriend. I have said all that too him but he choses not to get it. Last weekend he and I were having coffee and he asked me about my wedding. I told him we were married in a park by a marriage celebrant. He said "Oh, that's great, the Catholic Church won't recongnise that as a marriage, so you are still free to marry in the Church - after you're divorced we could take the sacrament of Marriage."
I just looked at him and said "B - we've talked about this - I'm not even over my husband yet - I love spending time with you and you are great company, but we are friends and there is no way I'm considering us getting married." He just shook it off, took my hand, kissed it and told me he knows I'm going through a tough time but he can ride it out. I upped the tempo of the convo and told him that if he continues to refuse to get it I'm going to have to stop hanging out with him entirely so he backed down and said he understood - and asked me if I wanted to go to Mass with him on Sunday (things are pretty hot and steamy!!!).
Perhaps I need a B with less pure motives ...
Yeah - I'll have another chat to him tonight, but if it continues like this I am going to have to stop seeing him, because, well just because.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
