Walking Back, that is a lot to go through. I guess we all have doubts, and some days want to chuck it all in. I know I am up and down all the time (sometimes 4 seasons in 1 day ). The thing to remember is that she is competing against you and your history together with H. It is so hard to deal with all the insecurity of not knowing what will happen or what to do. For me that is one of the benefits of DBing, it does give me some sort of stability.
Hang in there, you are doing so well: keep riding the rollercoaster!
Walkingback, the Romantic Infidelity article mentions the affair partner having more problems than one can imagine and the unfaithful spouse going through some traumatic experiences. I believe this is what is happening in my sitch and it sounds exactly like your sitch.
If you haven't done so already, pick up Frank Pittman's book "Private Lies..." To paraphrase a chapter, "The affair will eventually end, and the aggrieved partner just might want to be nearby when that happens.”
Continue to attract, not to pursue. It sounds like the OW can be a downer, and your H may want to eventually want to hang out with someone more fun, like Walkingback!
Quote: And by the way, what does "Fair dinkum" mean?
In the context I normally use it, it means "Honestly - without a doubt" but can also imply credulity - as in "You have to be kidding - you won't pull the wool over my eyes that easily".
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Well yesterday was a meltdown - I feel a lot better today. I'm proud too that my meltdowns come far less regularly than they used to and I recover from them way more quickly.
I too wish to express a huge level of gratitude to all of you for your support, wisdom and compassion. Sometimes I think if it weren't for this BB I might have jumped off a cliff by now. Instead, I'm surrounded by a community of likeminded souls, living through similar, yet unique experiences and sharing innermost agonies in a spirit of understanding and tolerance - and rather than spiralling down, as may have been the case I'm getting stronger and wiser. It is all good.
H called on his way home last night - I am again amazed at his calling regularity now that I've stopped contacting him. Short happy talk about RFD16, bit of a joke. It was nice.
I wonder what miracles tomorrow will bring.
Thanks again people. I couldn't be doing this without you.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I'm having a very nice weekend (obviously not nice enough to be GAL rather than hanging out here, but nevertheless life is getting brighter and brighter).
On Friday night H called to ask me if I wanted to have a drink with him after work. I accepted, noting that I was going out to dinner so it would have to be quick. Got there and he was there with a group of our friends.
I'd been in multilateral negotiations all day, so was dressed to kill in designer suit, power shoes (still peeling my toe nails out of the flesh of my toes), opaque tights, discrete but gorgeous jewellery. It was a good hair day - it doesn't get any better.
I shone. Didn't say much to H, but had chirpy, funny, intellegent conversations with some of our friends. H and I cracked some jokes like old times and I zipped out on my way to dinner. He asked who I was going to dinner with and I was mysterious (I was going to my sisters, but he didn't need to know that).
Spent the day yesterday with B (I am going to have to be careful there WAWF - it's getting to the stage where I think he is more into it than I am ...), had a great dinner party at home last night with friends.
My step daughter is in town and she called me this morning asking me to go to lunch with her, H, OP, the refugees and Hs mum. I gracefully declined by saying I had something else on (not a good time to introduce that level of tension into the mix) but she's going skiing for a few days and then is coming back to Canberra for 4 nights, so will stay here with the boys and I.
I'm not sure if what I did next is a good thing or a bad thing, but I was reading in a leadership text book the other day around the power of engineering an environment, doing something to heat up a set of issues if you want to affect change. So - I texted H. Just a brief one. It said
Hi H D just called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with you all. I'd love to but worried it might be awkward for you. What do you think? WB
He rang back within 10 minutes or so and said "I think it would be better if you don't." I was cool as a cucumber and agreed that it was a tough one, but explained briefly that I didn't want to tell her things were too awkward for me to go (H has always prided himself on maintaining cordial relationships with EVERYONE and can't stand conflict). He kept apologising and was very nervous and I just validated him and told him I totally understood. Kept it very light. I know that this is going to play on him - particularly after the snub OP gave me when I waved to her the other night - unless his personality has completely changed I know he can't tolerate bad manners. So, I've affected a bit of tension there that may or may not work in my favour. It's all a bit Machiavellian really ... scary
I'm going out now to have my nails and eyebrows done and ending the weekend with dinner at my other sisters place.
I'm going to be OK. I feel strong. The weather is finally getting better and I'm springing into Spring.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
WB, you are doing so well. H is reaching out to you, and you were dressed to kill and mysterious. Gotta feel good about that. I think you used the lunch thing to your advantage.A scary move granted, but I should think it will work in your behaviour. Especially as you have shown that you are not worried about OW, even though she is worried about you. I esp like how told H you were concerned it may be awkward for him. Cos it wouldn't be awkward for you now you are Ms DBer ~ you can take anything in your stride. I am sure after that conversation, he was definately thinking about the strong confident woman he left, rather than the insecure woman he's currently with.
H called in yesterday afternoon - after the lunch - with a couple of ski jackets for D to take to the snow with her today. She had decided to come and stay with the boys and I an extra night so she could catch up with her brothers. (She's 6 months pregnant so 1. Her own ski jacket doesn't fit her and 2. I'm going to be a grandma before I'm a mother .... )
The kids were all out and I was on my way to my sisters so I had a quick chat with H. He filled me in on some gossipy stuff, we finalised arrangements to take RFD13 to the school induction on Tuesday evening. He kind of hesitated leaving, but there was nothing left for us to talk about and I was trying to act mysterious about where I was going - on his way out the door though he said "Are you going to dinner at sister's" and I was caught out so I said yes, and he admitted daughter told him (so at least they were talking about me - hopefully in front of OP )
He hesitated again as if he was going to kiss me, but he didn't and then he left.
I proceeded to have dinner with sis, her husband and their perfect little boy - had a great night.
Here's the sad part. I drove home at about 8.30 and noticed in the car park at the pub next door to my place was one car - Hs. I thought to my self what in the world would he be doing there alone at 8.30pm on a Sunday night? I went into our house and there were his/our three beautiful children, my stepdaughter's partner and the dog all sitting around eating a lasagne they'd made together and talking and laughing. I sat with them and had a glass of wine - it was lovely. I realised what H was doing. It's what he always did when we had problems - he's staying away from home - his new home - by being at the pub as late as he can possibly be. Probably drinking too much and definately thinking too much. Where next door, the place he's now not "allowed" to go, his family are spending time together loving each other.
I felt sad for him, the kids, me and even OP. This situation is hurting everyone in it and none of us know how to fix it.
When I went up to bed at about 10pm his car was gone. I guess he finally went home.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Quote: he's staying away from home - his new home - by being at the pub as late as he can possibly be. Probably drinking too much and definately thinking too much.
Wow, WB, could this be the beginning of the end of the A? I hope so, but keep in mind some things that I have learned. The end of an A will bring on a short period of mourning. For whatever reasaon I am thinking 3-4 weeks. During that time, the A may resume, or may be done.
Regardless, keep Dbing and attracting. Keep being mysterious as that certainly appears to be doing something, right?
). The thing to remember is that she is competing against you and your history together with H. It is so hard to deal with all the insecurity of not knowing what will happen or what to do. For me that is one of the benefits of DBing, it does give me some sort of stability.
)