Wow WB. Great DBinbg, your reactions to OW. You really showed that you are the better person. I cannot believe how hard that would have been. I am so grateful that I haven't met mine yet, as I am not confident I would be so in control. These actions must be something that H will notice and recall at some time. He certainly seems to want the contact with you, so just keep doing what you are doing. It is working...and yes, it does beat the alternative. (although the evil Kismet, does want to go the kick and scream and make a scene route every now and then but I can usually subdue her with chocolate )
A sense of realism, an acceptance of certain necessary limitations and a state of relative detachment is the best thing you could hang on to now, not only for your own sake but for those around you too.
Priceless
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
OK - I've figured out I've been missing a vital clue that H has been giving me about the thing that we have in common that he wants us to bond over. It's the refugees.
Last night he called me at about 6pm to say that refugee foster daughter (rfd16) wanted to go to a party last night (she's on school holidays), but needed a lift home at 10 and could I get one of the boys to do it because he was going to be meeting his brother in law who was in town for the night. He could have called the boys (they are his sons after all), but he called me. I said no problem and went about arranging it.
The interesting thing is though that when I left to pick her up, H was at the tennis court next door playing tennis with a work colleage - he must have been meeting his brother in law later - or had earlier - I don't know ... it was weird.
The other thing I've been wondering is, how statistically accurate is the most affairs end in 6 months to 2 years?
H has been seeing the OP for 9 months and they've lived together for almost 6 months. He doesn't seem to be spending a lot of time with her though. He's often at the pub next door to our house, he spent heaps of the weekend doing jobs at my place (although I wasn't home most of the time so didn't know until afterwards), he's playing tennis with his colleague on a Tuesday night ... maybe the gloss is wearing off???
Maybe I'm holding out faint hope???
Anyway I'm going to take the hint for a little while and see what happens. RFD13, the younger sister has been accepted to a private school on a scholarship and there's an information session next Tuesday night. I was just going to take her and her mum, but I'm going to ask H if he wants to come as well - he's been doing a lot of the leg work to get her in, so he might be pleased to join us.
I also realised that one of the things that contributed to me leaving was my jealousy over how involved he became with the refugee family. Like, it had been my passion to get them out of detention, but when they came to live with us he coped with it 1000 times better than I did and that p!$$ed me off (yeah I know - my insecurities ). But when I look at it from his point of view, he was really just doing his best to support my crusade - and not only that, even through this disgusting year he has continued to - and dragged the long suffering OP (who I know has absolutely no interest in the refugee family) along with him .
I've got some things to think about here.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
The other thing I've been wondering is, how statistically accurate is the most affairs end in 6 months to 2 years?
I agree about the time thing. My H is in similar R. They live together, but he has 1/2 his stuff here, 1/4 with her, and 1/4 in the back of the store he owns. His business partner says he knows that my H often stays there at the store.
Then there is the time he spends with us. I sometimes wonder what she thinks of that. But that is a huge waste of my time.
At one point a couple months ago, I asked him something about when was she coming home. His response was "I don't know." I questioned how he could not know. He answered: I don't know what her schedule is.
Walking Back, seems to me like H is definately interested. Your DBing must be paying off. That is great that you have identified an area where you can relate. I too wonder about the length of an affair. I had heard most end in 6 months (which to me, sounds a whole lot better than 6 months -2 yrs).I think H's has been going on now for 6 months, but I think it will last longer as I think it still is a big secret from most people. I think that is one reason to keep DBing (even when you've had enough) as you just don't know what is really going on in their situation. It does sound as though your H is taking baby steps with reconnecting though. Keep doing what you're doing as it's obviously working
My stars today seem to be good advice for all of us ...
Quote: By the time the future arrives, the world will have changed. You will feel differently about many matters that currently concern you. You won't be quite the same person you are now, nor will you be in quite the same situation. That's why there is rarely any point in worrying about tomorrow. When we let some fear of a forthcoming event get the better of us, we bring it into the present. We cause it to hang over our life like a dark cloud and experience unnecessary angst. When you get there, you will deal with it. Meanwhile, just tackle today.
I'll put in a plug here for Jonathon Cainer at Horoscope If you are into astrology, Jonathon is spookily accurate.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks WB, I am a real sucker for horoscopes, so bookmarked that one. Mine was thought provoking, although took me a while to work out what it meant , only on my 2nd coffee of the day.
I broke a vase the other day and tried to glue it back together. It looked like it had worked, but when the glue dried it was too broken to hold water and you could see the cracks all through it. I’m scared that might be the case with my marriage.
The sitch is so much more complex than I have portrayed here. I guess all our sitches are.
Our problems started about three years ago when my step son got a brain tumour and had to have a couple of rounds of surgery. My H didn’t cope well with that – but he didn’t talk about it. He wouldn’t. He kept it all locked inside himself. Six months or so later Hs best friend was diagnosed with serious stomach cancer. He was treated for it and survived for a year before he died. I asked H at the time if he was OK and he said he was, that he’d already grieved for his mate and he’d been so sick in the last 6 months that he didn’t really “miss” him. In hindsight that’s when Hs depression really set in.
Six months after the friend died, his widow started an affair with my best friend’s husband (ah, the twists of the middle class). I knew about the affair, but didn’t tell my friend. (This all sounds way more sordid than my life really is, which is why I don’t understand how I’ve ended up here…) My friend and her husband had always had problems and it was just one more – but I did defend my friend, by making it clear to widow that I didn’t approve of the affair – the widow stopped talking to me. That was awkward because my H wanted to support her – even though she was having an adulterous affair – he’d known her for nearly 30 years.
So my H went to play lawn bowls with her every Sunday afternoon and I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go. I could go and meet them at the bowling club at 6pm, after she’d slipped away. Apparently me and my judgements of her upset her and she didn’t want to see me. She’s a very vulnerable woman – she lost 2 children and then her husband, so she’s always been very sad and all the men have always wanted to ‘protect’ her. If there were any occasions when she and I had to be there together – she just ignored me.
This went on for a long time and over the year or so I got jealous. I didn’t get it. I suspected she was after my H. I don’t know if the affair with my best friend’s husband was continuing, but I suspected it had died a natural death. Then Hs father died, his mother went feral, his sister vilified me, I was in the last months of Post Graduate study, working full time and my world collapsed. I walked away.
Three weeks later my H was f**king the widow. 3 months after that he moved in with her.
How can I ever compete with such a vulnerable woman with so much history?
And given the soap opera that it is, why do I want to?
Perhaps I should put the marriage out with the vase. The garbage man comes tonight. It’s a bad day.
Although I went to the Chinese horoscope site that Yoyo linked to earlier today and my horoscope for the day was “For things to change, change yourself” … the universe is nothing if not consistant.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
) 
). But when I look at it from his point of view, he was really just doing his best to support my crusade - and not only that, even through this disgusting year he has continued to - and dragged the long suffering OP (who I know has absolutely no interest in the refugee family) along with him 
.