Yeah I know it's just a house and a money-pit of a house at that, but sheesh, it was our home. It still is the boys home and H hasn't even spoken to them about what is going to happen when it's sold.
Interestingly however, H called again this afternoon (he's been calling me a lot lately - in direct proportion to how much I don't call him funnily enough) to remind me that it is still not a done deal. The man still has to convince his wife - but he does have his finance sorted and is ready to go when she finally agrees (think he's trying to backpeddle?)
Happy little DBer that I am I laughed and said "what, are you warning me not to drink champagne at half time?" (an old joke we share because I'm generally an eternal optimist which in the past has amused H no end) and he said quickly and nervously "no but I'm going to have a beer with Barry at our pub tonight". Now this was interesting for a couple of reasons. 1. Our pub is next door to our house and 2. That's the first time since I left in November that he's told me where he is going to be at any particular time - it was like he was almost hinting that he'd be there if I happened by. Of course I won't ... but I think it's interesting and maybe a baby step.
Mmmm ... Mmmmm
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Those definitely sound like steps to me... he's not as convinced as he wants to believe he is. And he wants you around.
You are handling the house-selling thing well- I know it's just a pile of bricks, but I picture myself chaining myself to my front door if we get to that point. And you can always buy a new house together.
I'm sure you're shocking him to bits with your casually supportive attitude.
WB, great work. You are doing so well when it must be so hard, no wonder he is stepping up the contact . Even though selling the house seems like a loss, your dealings with it sound like they are being a positive to your situation. Wow, living next door to a pub. No wonder you don't want to sell Stay strong
Journalling - this is going to be long and I apologise in advance for the snooze quality ... I'm looking for catharsis and this is where I find it ...
Ups and downs. I was going really, really well, but then I backslid and drank and dialled. Oh why oh why do I do this?
I handled the house thing in true DB form all last week. He kept calling me, I returned some calls I didn't recall others - I was cool as a cucumber.
I had a big afternoon on Friday, my Dad was being honoured with a public award and we had the ceremony on Friday afternoon and then Dad took all of us, including my step sons and heaps of other family, out to a fabulous dinner and it was just great fun. The boys and I got home at about 11 and I went straight to bed.
In order that this next part makes sense, I have to explain a little bit the paralle story to our marriage break down. A couple of years ago I got really involved with a refugee family who had been in detention for 4 years - a woman and her two little girls - for non Australian's (who have been brave enough to read my desperate life this far...) I won't bother you with the politics of mandatory detention - but suffice it to say high security prison in the middle of the desert is not a fantastic environment for a 6 and 10 yr old to enter and it doesn't get any better after 4 years. They were eventually released and they lived with us for 6 months. It was my crusade, but to give my husband and the boys credit they came to the party with aplomb. As you would understand it's not easy to share you home and your life with strangers, particular those who had fled a regime of terror (Iran), then spent 4 years in prison being institutionalised and now were in the world, but with little certainty and the fear of a huge unknown future.
Anyway we eventually got them into their own apartment, the girls settled into school really well and their mum is starting to come to terms with living in Australia. My H has continued to take a very active interest in the family and takes them to the markets each Saturday and I still spend a lot of time with them too. One of the ongoing difficulties for the family has been the cultural differences between Austrlaia and Iran - and the generational differences of an Iranian mother and her new-Australian 16 year old daughter. The 16 year old is testing her boundaries and her mum just doesn't get it. She is angry that her daughter wants to go out etc etc - all the normal cross cultural stuff that everyone is familiiar with. So to deal with some of the pressure H and I agreed with mum that D16 could stay with me a couple of nights a week and on those nights, in consultation with her mother, she could go out as long as she was home by curfew - normal rules you know the drill. (I don't know why I live with my 2 step sons and a part time refugee foster daughter - maybe that's the reason I'm having trouble getting a life - I need more mainstream 30 something interests perhaps???)
So refugee foster D16, from this point to be known as RFD16 was at a party and she was due home at 1am. When I got home at 11pm I noticed that she had sent me a text asking me to call her. I tried, but her mobile was switched off. I left a voice mail and despite the fact that she's having these problems with her mum she is a really good kid and I wasn't worried about her - she's the most sensible teenage girl I've ever met. Nevertheless I took my phone to bed with me just in case.
I was abruptly awoken at about 11.30 by the phone ringing. It was H. Turns out he'd waited until then to call me to tell me that RFD16 called him a couple of hours earlier to say she wanted to extend her curfew until 2am. She apparently told him her phone wasn't working so we couldn't call her, left another number, but hoped we'd understand that she was going to be late. H, fearing the wrath of her mother (you have to see a beautiful, intellegent Persian woman protecting the dignity of her female children to understand this fear!!!)told her no - she had to be home by 1am - her curfew. Baffled at why he'd called me to tell me that if for all intents and purposes there was no change to the arrangements I thanked him for calling and went back to sleep. Except then I kept waking up 1.15am no RFD16, 1.40am no RFD16, 2.06am no RFD16, 2.38am no RFD16, 3.02am no RFD16 - 3.15am the doorbell and a lot of giggling. RFD16 and friend staggering around on the front verandah, schnozzled to their eyeballs on cheap wine, full of apologies and making a mad dash to their bedroom. I'm not ashamed to say I did not feel the need to hold RFD16's hair back (or indeed comfort her in any other way) when she became acquainted with the toilet bowl for a good 20 minutes.
Saturday morning I got busy GAL - manicure, coffee with sisters etc, came home and had a good talk to RFD16 about rights and responsibilities, house rules, worried about her etc - agreed with her that I wouldn't speak to her mum or my H about her behaviour this time, but if there was a next time I definately would (any feedback on if this is appropriate or not?) I went out again to GAL assuming she'd take herself home when she was ready.
H called me late in the afternoon to tell me that he'd dropped into my place, RFD16 was there and asked if she could stay another night and go to another party. He'd taken her mum to the market that morning and was aware that her mum wanted her home so said no. H asked me to go get her and give her a lift home.
I went home - big pressure on to let her go out - I said no took her home. She tried to have an argument with me, I wasn't buying it (DBing does work with teenagers) dropped her off and on the way home noticed that Hs car was at the pub next door to my house - so parked and went in to debrief with him about RFD16s adventures.
It was so good. I went in and he was there with some mutal friends of ours - and no OP. I filled him in in RFD16s activities and had the whole pub in fits of laughter because I decided to make it funny rather than the disaster that it potentially was. I hadn't seen some of them for months so I talked about the highlights of my life in the last little while (only the funny annecdotes - you'll be pleased to know I didn't mention the parts about crying myself to sleep, writing bad depressing poetry, sweating like a pig every day at the gym trying to forget my husband chose a woman 20 years older than me ... I left all that out).
I only stayed for 2 drinks, I left on a high with H and our friends laughing and waving and it was fantastic. A couple of times H had leaned in close to me to tell me things and at one stage he was telling me something and touched my leg. I was on a high.
I went out last night - had a good night - came home to bed at about 12.30am - took my phone with me and I did it. I dialled his number, he picked up and I hung up. Of course he'll know it's me. Who else has nothing better to do on Saturday night than to drink and dial their husband and then hang up without saying anything. F#@K. I'm so cranky with myself.
Today is fathers day and he and OP are on their way here now to pick the boys up and take them out to dinner.
He just called to tell the boys what dress was required (smart casual) and asked to speak to me. He said he's just been speaking to RFD16 and she and her mum are having big problems today. Asked me to go and see them tommorrow which I will.
So all my work last week was for nothing. I buggered it by calling him last night, he and OP are taking my boys out to dinner for fathers day and I'm here on this board trying somehow to find some peace.
I never expected my life would turn out like this.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
But enough about me. I've just been watching the news and the devastation in New Orleans and I send my heartfelt sympathy to any of you who are affected by the deverstation. A couple of years ago in Canberra we had a bush fire that destroyed 550 homes and we are still recovering. That is maybe 1% of the devestation that Katrina has impacted and I just can't imagine how long or how sigificant the recovery is going to be.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
H came in to get the boys - OP in car in drive way. I was on the computer reading on this BB said Hi. Laughed. Said "have a good night" lovingly, honestly, painfully - and they left.
My sons are now at a restaurant 4 streets away with my husband and his partner having a beautiful fathers day dinner.
I called my sister a few minutes ago to arrange rides to the gym in the morning and told her that the boys were out with H and OP and she said "WB relax. Noone is having a good time at that dinner party tonight." and I know she's right and I know that it's going to be awkward for all of them - but it doesn't make it any easier to think about my family reforming and remaking themselves without me being a part of it.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
WB - I read your posts and felt overwhelmed by awe. You are showing a strength and generosity of spirit to everyone around you - to your friends, to your stepkids and to your H. People like you make the world a better place to live - I know no one who opened up their home the way you did for such a long time.
WB, you haven't blown it all all. You did not call your H. When you were out GAL, you must have hit the phone (which wasn't locked) and it automatically dialed the last # which just happened to be H's ok. When you realised what happened, you hung up. No biggee. It is horrible that now such a day as Father's Day can be so emotional for those of us not leading perfect lives. You are still very much a part of your stepsons lives. I mean they live with you, and I am sure it is a choice they have made. I admire you for having drinks with H and your friends. It must take a lot of courage to do that and to enjoy yourself, and more importantly for them to see you enjoying yourself, and to enjoy being with you.
You have not backslid at all. I am sure that H will be remembering the fun things that happened (rather than that phonecall that never happened)
I'm pretty proud of the way I handled the rest of the night. I heard the boys come home and could hear eldest step son and H in the garage looking at eldest SSs new car, so I went out to say hi. OP was in the car in the driveway and I gave her a big wave - she didn't respond, but I didn't flinch. Had a few words with H, waved to OP again with a big smile and left them to it.
H called early this morning AGAIN to tell me some story about the accountant.
Maybe this is working, maybe I just have to be more patient - anyway, what's the alternative - kick and scream and cry and be miserable - that certainly wasn't working any better than the LRT!!!
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
. Even though selling the house seems like a loss, your dealings with it sound like they are being a positive to your situation.
Stay strong