jak466,
Believe me, glad to help anyway I can. Hopefully, I'll gain insight, too. It hurts no matter who did the walking and who's walking now. Here's little background on my sitch: M 17 yrs, H 46, me 44, s15, d14, H had PA/EA 2 yrs into marriage, 14 yrs and a whole lot of ups/downs later, I asked him to leave. Never dealt with the A, just allowed it to fester and got angrier and angrier with him. It's taken 15 mos, but I'm through the tunnel, realize he's the only one I want to be with and I'm ready to move forward with him by my side. So, answering your questions:

1. My H's relationship skills are as horrible as mine are. Wow, we need to work on that! Yes, he pursued, but quietly. Not the overt yelling, demanding, crying, etc. stuff i did when he said he wasn't sure he wanted me anymore (truly pitiful on my part). He would hug me for minutes and kiss me in the beginning. No words, just body language. I didn't want any part of a year ago. It felt like being pressured and I was convinced I was done with the marriage. Now I'd give anything to have it back.

2. No, I didn't leave for anyone else. Although, during the past year I have had a "friend." Introduced by a mutual friend after the separation. Not sure how to describe this. It's so casual it's almost non-existent - dinner about once a month or so. During recent loud "discussions" (which H has now stopped entirely), found out H thought I had found someone, was happy and moving on with my life. Not true. I just needed a break sometimes. I have our children 98% of the time. He rarely takes them, but that's okay. He loves them and they know it. But i needed some "me" time on occasion. This "friend" provided that time. A break from reality. A chance to be "me" instead of "mom". But a mistake on my part is that I wanted my H to ask me out, but I didn't give him any clues that's what I wanted. When he didn't read my mind (ouch! how nuts it that??) and step up to the plate, I said yes to this man's invitation.

3. I have to admit that him seeing someone new burst my little unrealistic "he'll always be waiting for me" bubble. Truly silly thinking on my part, since I hadn't given him any indication I was turning the corner and heading back. Now I realize he'll may really go out with her. But I also realize that she's probably not the answer -- she's just new and they don't have any bad history. I'm resigned to the fact I'll probably have to wait this out and pray he turns around and see me standing here, still loving him.

The truth is, he's upset with me right now. I threw him off balance by letting him know how I feel. I don't blame him. My behavior toward him for the last few years of our marriage was appalling. Also, after reading DR, I'm starting to think that maybe my well-meaning friends, and possibly my counselor, didn't really help with my marital problems. when I would complain about something, they would support my anger. Readig DR and looking back is helping me see that maybe they didn't help me. I love them for being there for me, but they may have helped push me into asking him to leave. Although now, they're suppporting me in wanting to work on the marriage. At least I know they'll be there to help pick up the pieces if we don't get together again.

I also realize how selfish I am. Believe me, i would never have thought that a year ago, either. But I am. I want things my way. And I never really thought about what would make him happy, jsut what would make me happy. Now I'm trying to see things through his eyes and setting little goals to change myself, i.e., keeping the house neater, that would make him happier. Maybe he'll never notice, maybe he will. But hopefully I'll be a better person for it, together or not.

Try to stay positive. It is possible for a WAW to walk back. The best thing he did for me was give me time and space. Now I'm impatient to have him back, but he's the one who needs the time and space, and I'm trying to do that for him. Now if I could just stop making R comments!! Stay in touch and let me know how you're doing. I'm usually in "We're separated -- what now?" but I'll check back here often. And ask any questions. I may a few for you, too, sometimes.

jlm