Wife Walking Back?

[VJ39]

Your reply to me a few days ago brought up a few more questions on my part. At what point did you realize that the depression and issues were of your making. Was there some huge epiphany or did you just wake up one morning feeling different.

I would love to hear this too...My H started all this mess when his Mom got sick (cancer). I could see him going into depression, starting to be irritable...ect. But in his mind, being married to me was the problem, and if he could only get rid of me, he could find happiness, maybe with OW. But I've been gone 4 mo, he's no happier, and since the EA with OW came into the open, he doesn't feel as "free" to pursue it since all family/coworkers would know it had its roots before either he or OW was divorced. So the man is STILL miserable, but now blaming it on the fact he misses kids and the divorce is not final yet! I wonder when he will wake up and realize his unhappiness was something in himself? I learned that's not something you can just TELL someone, even if I could see that, he has to figure that one out himself!

Not meaning to steal your thread, but I think this is pretty common in WAS...your insight here is very precious to many of us LBS! Thanks for being here! VJ

[jlm0769]

I, too, am a WBW. Took me 15 mos to get here, but here I am. Good to know I'm not alone, although I sympathize. It's a looooong hard road. No D yet and no talk of it, but he has found someone he wants to date. We'll see what happens. I'm keeping my head up, keeping it light, looking for the baby steps. I'll be think of you!!

jlm

[jak466]

WB and JLM,

I sure hope you can stick around. There are so many questions from the guys here. We all know we made errors but we all truley hope our WAS come back to us. Marraige is hard work. Life is hard work. Not having that one special person to talk too about all your fears and dreams and someone to hold or hold you is such an empty feeling.

We have been hammering WB with tons of questions. So I hope you don't mind us working on you for a while. You may have a little different spin than WB.

Did your H pursue in the beginning?
Did you leave dfor someone else?
Did your H seeing someone new change your mind?

thanks in advance

Jak466

[Walking]

I didn't understand then that since my depression and "issues" were of my making, I'd be taking them with me and I'd be just as miserable, if not more so, when I was living alone with them.

Ironically I didn't figure that part out until I started reading DR et al. after I figured I'd made a mistake. I knew that I was still miserable (more miserable because I didn't even have hang-dog hanging-on husband to keep me company in my misery - because he was out, happily getting on with his life) and I started reading about marriage and walking away and depression etc etc etc. It was a slow awakening.

[Walking]

Journalling ...

Highs and lows. The rollercoaster continues.

My brother-in-law arrived yesterday with his daughter and is now safely ensconsed at our family house. It's awkward, but OK.

Yesterday afternoon H called a couple of times, I missed the first call, but he called me back an hour later to tell me he thinks he's found a buyer for our house. Well, my stomach dropped but I was a sound DBer and just said "that's great news". He went on to say that the fellow who wants to buy it has to convince his wife because they currently live on the other side of town in the suburbs and our house is in the city and she might not want to move ... but anyway ...

The more I agreed with him how good it was that he'd found a buyer the more he found excuses as to why it wasn't a good thing ... classic DB psychology

The whole house thing is a double edged sword. The house is a money pit. It's too big for us and I've wanted to sell it for ages - since before I moved out - but he kept saying, no it's a great investment, it's convenient, blah blah blah. He's right about all those things, but it's also huge and impossible to maintain. I'd prefer to live in a smaller house that we could manage. So, while I was gutted that selling the house would take us one step further apart, a little bit of me was kind of pleased that we might be able to get rid of the bl@@dy crumbling down palace.

My husband brought his brother and neice in last night and everything was OK. I'd been at yoga and was on my way to bed when they arrived. I stopped and chatted with them all for a little while and then went upstairs. It was all happy, chatty - I think H had partaken of a few glasses of wine.

I was reading (low brow chic lit about a women whose husband left her for an OP on the day she gave birth to her first child - I don't know why I do it to myself) and H came into my bedroom to ask where there were more blankets for my niece. I told him and then he launched into a story about being at a professional function last week with a boy that I've been dating (v. v. casually - it's just nice to have someone to go to the movies and dinner with). H said that the boy, we'll call him B (for boy because he's 29 and much more of a boy than a man)apparently told some of the people at the function that I was his girlfriend and we spend all our time together and stuff. I just said I found it difficult to believe that B would say those things, because it's not true - we are dating occassionally, but we are not an item. H said "well I just thought I should let you know what he's saying about you..."

Then ... H asked, for the first time since I asked to get back together and he said we couldn't because he was seeing someone else ... the old sad line, filled with meaning and regret ... "How are you? How are you really?"

And you know what - I said "I am fine, I am really fine." and I meant it. I surprised myself that I really meant it.

He leaned in to me and ruffled my hair before we both looked at each other meaningfully and he left our bedroom.

I heard him downstairs for an hour or so before he left and I presume went home to his partner.

So there we have it. Three steps forward, two steps back.

[jak466]

WB,

I am having one hell of a time. My WAW has been on antidepressants since the day I met her. She is currently seeing someone and may have had him waiting in the wings since our D started. She wants to know I am doing fine but seems like nothing more. I got the I'm unhappy, the changes are too little too late, LBNIL etc. I would believe she is enjoying her time with the OM but also tells me be patient. I am confused about things. But really gives me only scraps to cling to and not to often with those.

D was final in April. I feel I am keeping in minimal contact. And when we talk, I try to keep it upbeat and light. This tends to make her more standoffish like well, I don't have to worry about him. It is when she feels I am having problems that she gets more persuant to find out how I am. What is up with that?

I had contact with her yesturday and if you have been folling my thread, what is she saying, you may know more of what I am talking about.

Any Ideas are appreciated.

Jak466

[WAWfighter]

WB, WAS UP down under?

Read your stitch and it sounds great. You are doing wonderful! If you can survive your I/L visits, you can survive anything.

If you’ll allow me to offer my HO, (humble opinion, not, well, you know), about a few things, since you have been so kind to post on my sight in the past, and in the future, I hope… The house thing sounds alright. You want to get out, right? Just because you sell it does not preclude you and H from buying a new one together in the future.

H is obviously concerned about your “dates.” Even if he doesn’t seem to be, trust me, he is. A word of advice to you though, be careful not to get too serious with “B,” and for God’s sake, don’t break the poor kid’s heart, like I have no doubt you could!

Lastly, “Three steps forward, two steps back,” is still one step forward!

Hang in there, WB. You’re doing great.

WAWfighter

[kismet]

WB, your B does sound as though he is ruffling your H's feathers. I want to get me one of them Honestly I think it would be great to be able to go out with a man if there was no pressure.
Selling your house may be a good thing, although it will be hard. I sometimes wish I lived somewhere with a little less maintainence, and less memories, although it still feels like a haven to me.
That last interaction with your H went really well. I am sure when he went home to OW he was thinking of you

[jlm0769]

jak466,
Believe me, glad to help anyway I can. Hopefully, I'll gain insight, too. It hurts no matter who did the walking and who's walking now. Here's little background on my sitch: M 17 yrs, H 46, me 44, s15, d14, H had PA/EA 2 yrs into marriage, 14 yrs and a whole lot of ups/downs later, I asked him to leave. Never dealt with the A, just allowed it to fester and got angrier and angrier with him. It's taken 15 mos, but I'm through the tunnel, realize he's the only one I want to be with and I'm ready to move forward with him by my side. So, answering your questions:

1. My H's relationship skills are as horrible as mine are. Wow, we need to work on that! Yes, he pursued, but quietly. Not the overt yelling, demanding, crying, etc. stuff i did when he said he wasn't sure he wanted me anymore (truly pitiful on my part). He would hug me for minutes and kiss me in the beginning. No words, just body language. I didn't want any part of a year ago. It felt like being pressured and I was convinced I was done with the marriage. Now I'd give anything to have it back.

2. No, I didn't leave for anyone else. Although, during the past year I have had a "friend." Introduced by a mutual friend after the separation. Not sure how to describe this. It's so casual it's almost non-existent - dinner about once a month or so. During recent loud "discussions" (which H has now stopped entirely), found out H thought I had found someone, was happy and moving on with my life. Not true. I just needed a break sometimes. I have our children 98% of the time. He rarely takes them, but that's okay. He loves them and they know it. But i needed some "me" time on occasion. This "friend" provided that time. A break from reality. A chance to be "me" instead of "mom". But a mistake on my part is that I wanted my H to ask me out, but I didn't give him any clues that's what I wanted. When he didn't read my mind (ouch! how nuts it that??) and step up to the plate, I said yes to this man's invitation.

3. I have to admit that him seeing someone new burst my little unrealistic "he'll always be waiting for me" bubble. Truly silly thinking on my part, since I hadn't given him any indication I was turning the corner and heading back. Now I realize he'll may really go out with her. But I also realize that she's probably not the answer -- she's just new and they don't have any bad history. I'm resigned to the fact I'll probably have to wait this out and pray he turns around and see me standing here, still loving him.

The truth is, he's upset with me right now. I threw him off balance by letting him know how I feel. I don't blame him. My behavior toward him for the last few years of our marriage was appalling. Also, after reading DR, I'm starting to think that maybe my well-meaning friends, and possibly my counselor, didn't really help with my marital problems. when I would complain about something, they would support my anger. Readig DR and looking back is helping me see that maybe they didn't help me. I love them for being there for me, but they may have helped push me into asking him to leave. Although now, they're suppporting me in wanting to work on the marriage. At least I know they'll be there to help pick up the pieces if we don't get together again.

I also realize how selfish I am. Believe me, i would never have thought that a year ago, either. But I am. I want things my way. And I never really thought about what would make him happy, jsut what would make me happy. Now I'm trying to see things through his eyes and setting little goals to change myself, i.e., keeping the house neater, that would make him happier. Maybe he'll never notice, maybe he will. But hopefully I'll be a better person for it, together or not.

Try to stay positive. It is possible for a WAW to walk back. The best thing he did for me was give me time and space. Now I'm impatient to have him back, but he's the one who needs the time and space, and I'm trying to do that for him. Now if I could just stop making R comments!! Stay in touch and let me know how you're doing. I'm usually in "We're separated -- what now?" but I'll check back here often. And ask any questions. I may a few for you, too, sometimes.

jlm

[WW2]

WB-

Thanks for checking in on my post and I do agree that you do have a mirror reverse sitch to mine.

Obviously your H still cares for you as he asks how you are doing and especially since he took in interest in your "boyfriend". Part of this too is guilt but it is still important to note that the guilt is caused by caring.

For your sitch I recommend that you continue to GAL and be happy as I have found first hand that this is the single most influential impact on a R with the spouse. Let him see what he would be missing w/o you. It worked with my WAW, but of course I now have new problems.

As you noted earlier you found moving on only carried with it the same problems. If he sees a changed/happier you he will come to the same conclusions that life is not always greener. It is also true that it is not always about the OP, but about what you have. I struggle with this problem now. I know I want to be with my W and have my family together but I am looking to see what she has now. If she has or can have what I got from someone else.

Keep up the contact with him and let him see what you have.