My husband had an EA during the M (not a physical affair, though), from October 1998 until April 1999. The girl concerned (and she was only 19) was a criminal and she got him involved in all sorts of crap including burglery, recieving stolen goods, counter-fit goods, aiding and abetting etc etc. He was arrested once but released without charge due to lack of evidence. I had the police having a warrent to search my home and I was pregnant with DD3 at the time.
There were reasons behind all of this though. We had massive financial problems, we had taken 7 months to conceive our child and had a miscarriage etc, then a joint friend of ours from Andy's college days was raped at knife point and beaten so badly she was put in intensive care, and the rapist only recieved a 2 year prison sentance. This friend of ours came to stay with us in our home directly after the trial and that put a massive strain on things, esp. as Andy didn't tell me about the rape to start with. He was dealing with all this depression on his own and didn't think he could share it with me because of all the stuff I'd been through in previous months with the baby etc. The girl he had the EA with was a distraction from all of that.
Then, after the M break up, he had 2 PA's - one three months after we lost another baby (and I had also had one night stands with other men), that was with Mrs Simpson, a 46 year old - and she moved in with him straight away and lived there until last month - although their actual PA only lasted 6 months and according to her was only once in a month as he 'didn't want to'.
Then just recently there has been the second OW2. I know they were friends before, but I think the progression to the physical was a shot-gun reaction to him running off again, as he got her directly after leaving me. He struggles if there isn't a woman in his life in some form, so I view her as a substitute 'me'. That only lasted 3 months, but he has yet to tell her about me, even though the PA is over, so she's not totally out of the picture, but will be soon.
The EA I can forgive him for because he did not have sex with her (I know this definitely), so I know that during the M he was never physically unfaithful to me. This helps me to try and trust him. The first PA I forgive him for as I know he never loved her, and I had also slept with other men, so I could not harbour resentment against him when I'd done it myself.
This time around I am having more difficulty forgiving him because he told me we were getting back together and then WHAM, she's on the scene etc etc. He also doesn't think he's done anything wrong as we are divorced, which I struggle with.
When I slept with him it was different and I found myself thinking 'I wonder if he got that from her?' I no longer feel like the sexual goddess I did before, but I am hoping with time - if he stays this time - that will come back as I regain my confidence.
THINGS WHICH HELP ME DEAL WITH EA/PA'S:
1. There are always reasons which lead to the PA. They never 'just' happen. They happened because he was deeply unhappy and in the case of the EA, I was not there for him when he was going through this awful post-rape trauma and the girl was - she provided him with emotional comfort when I didn't. Therefore I contributed to the EA by my failings as a wife.
2. If you don't forgive them for PA's - then there is no reason for them to change and become better people and they might as well just carry on having PA's if they cannot attain forgiveness.
3. If you get angry about the PA all the time instead of enjoying your husband, you are letting the OW win. You are re-living the affair and carrying it on in your own head.
4. Becoming focused on the affair brings it into the present, instead of in the past where it belongs.
5. If you focus on forgiveness and on your current R with your H, you can build a stronger R and eventually, through that, learn to trust again. By doing this, you can look forward to a happy future with your H, while the OW are the ones who get left in the gutter.
If you DON'T do this, all of you will lose out and end up with nothing, and SHE will have succeeded in destroying your M.
That's what I think to get me through my WAW feelings.
