Jo - I'm so happy for you. It just seems to be getting better and better for you. Glad you're taking your time. And do have that talk with him about OW2. I don't want to see you hurt again. You of all people deserve to be as happy as one can be in this life!
I was thinking that Andy would return another day, and not immediately like Wez thought. I got a text from him saying he couldn't get a babysitter but he would make plans with me tomorrow night, and then signed with a kiss.
So he obviously planned to return that evening when he said 'I'm coming back'.
I sent him a text message back, asking if he was single. He didn't reply, so I felt quite upset. He responded later and said we would meet up to discuss it.
The following day, there was a knock at the door and my girls were standing there! This was a shock as I wasn't expecting a visit. We put 'Garfield the Movie' on for them and went to talk in another room.
Andy told me he was single but still in the process of 'extracting himself' from his previous R. I asked him what that meant. He said he hadn't told her yet because he was worried how she and her two kids would take it. I asked him if he had any intention of telling her. He said yes, in his own time. I asked him if he was sleeping with her and warned him not to sleep with her.
He said he hadn't slept with her since things started getting friendlier between us and wasn't planning on sleeping with her. I said good, because if he's serious about loving me, he can't keep on with her. He said 'obviously.'
We ended up in bed and that was a very different experience to what I am used to. Both silent, and he was very aggressive sexually and did a couple of things that took me by surprise. It was almost too directional and too assertive for me, I like it more romantic than that. I didn't feel I could be myself either. But I guess a lot has happened to us.
He said 'I love you' to me again afterwards, which was really sweet as it was the first time he said it in person (apart from that time in March, but he was having an 'O' when he said it then, so that doesn't count, surely!?). This ILY seemed more genuine.
He spoilt it a bit afterwards by having an R talk and insisting on bringing up negatives, like he said he didn't want me to hold these 2 OW against him and for us to argue about it in the R all the time. I told him that since he is leaving OW2 and as long as he doesn't sleep with other women whilst with me, I have nothing to argue about.
He said he didn't like our M because it was always passionately explosive sex and passionately explosive arguments. I said 'What's wrong with passionately explosive sex?' He said 'Nothing; I liked that, it's the arguments I am worried about.' He said he was worried if we got back together, we would f**k like minks one day and then fight like boxers next. I admit, I did have a temper in those days, courtesy of my Greek blood. It took a lot to make me angry, but when I was, it was like the explosion of the atom bomb.
I have worked hard over the years to become more moderate, more 'English' on that front.
I told him that was in the past, we have just ML, and we should now concentrate on the future like he said.
It was a really awkward convo, as he doesn't know DB'ing and thinks to solve problems you must talk about them, which is my opinion is a R killer. I suggested to him that focusing on positives was more productive.
I ended up in tears through this convo but it didn't seem to put him off.
We agreed not to ML again until he has told OW2.
I had some WAW type feelings for a couple of days - I think from the exhaustion of DB'ing and the complexity of my sitch, but these are passing now and I'm feeling a bit brighter.
I have found out who OW2 is. I know her full name and address and phone number, and I know she takes her children to the steiner school I take DD4 to (we go to a toddler group there, in the same place).
My best female friend is a class teacher there and knows her. My best friend also knows I am seeing Andy again, I tell her everything. So pretty soon OW2 will know - we are in the same community. Her house is only 2 miles from mine. I have decided after a few weeks, if Andy hasn't told her, I will tell her myself.
First I will give him chance to do the right thing. At least he's not sleeping with her anymore.
I have been through all the emotions one can feel over the last few days, and nearly wrecked the DB'ing by phoning him once, in tears from tiredness. He tried to cheer me up by saying I can make up for lost time with DD's now. I wish I hadn't called him though, it's just pressure.
Then today he and DD's came over and stayed about 5 hours. He brought round a new keyboard for the computer which I paid him for and helped me fix the computer problems. The girls played and DD2 was sat reading books for nearly the whole time. I have never seen her concentrate like that before.
They completely trashed my house again
There was a DVD in the computer and in the DVD player, so Andy asked why I had 2 on at once, and joked what on earth was I doing to need 2 films on at the same time? I played along with the joke and said I needed the volume up loud because I was busy (wink wink). He asked me what was I doing. I said I'd leave that up to his imagination!
Then I changed the subject and asked what his plans were for his birthday (he is 31 in a few weeks). I have decided this time around to be more assertive and less afraid of initiating as then I think he will respect me more if I am not afraid of him and if I am telling him what I need/want etc. I cannot do the chase and then back away dance forever; this time I am going to follow him if he tries to back away. The chase will have to end somewhere.
I could tell he was a little scared of me initiating holding his hand, but he didn't pull away, and he told me he wanted a Celtic Cross (a silver one) for his birthday. Oooh, jewellery! I am going to get looking for one now. This is rather momentous for me as I bought him a Gold chain when we got engaged, that he doesn't wear anymore, and now he actually wants another piece of jewellery from me. That's great.
I smiled at him and told him to buy me a Rampent Rabbit for Christmas! He looked at me like he couldn't believe I would ask him, LOL and said is that to sate me while he is not there. I said hell no, you're gonna teach me how to have fun with it
He laughed. Then I made a joke about how I hope he doesn't run away again before Christmas, as I am looking forward to that now! He winked at me.
I toasted teacakes for him and DD's and we all ate together and I showed them photographs from when I took them on a trip to the library.
Then Andy and I had a slightly tense discussion about his contact times with DD4, as he wanted to bring her back Monday afternoon, but she has nursery school then, and I have First Aid before that. I asked Andy to bring her back Monday morning and said I could introduce him to her teachers.
He said he wanted to take her to this home ed meeting and the nursery school clashed with that. I pointed out to him, gently, that we had been separated a long time and so both had separate lives and it isn't always possible to make our timetables fit. He acknowledged this, but was sitting with his arms crossed in a defensive manner and looking a bit upset.
I suggested to him that I go along with them to some meetings. He smiled and said 'let's just take it one step at a time.'
I then said that I had to plan as if he wasn't coming back, so that meant carrying on with my life and organising DD4's schooling. He said he knew. I then said 'look on the positive side, if you don't run off this time, you can home ed all four of them; she doesn't start school for more than a year so we don't even have to make any choices now.'
He said he knew, he was just having difficulty with the whole nursery concept. I told him she enjoys it and I wouldn't do anything to upset her. He said he knew that, not on purpose, anyway. I squeezed his hand and said that the next year or so was an excellent opportunity for both of us to let the walls down and start sharing in each other's lives a bit more, including the home ed, and who knew what would happen?
When he left, he looked scared to death, but he hugged me on the doorstep.
We are meeting on Monday, outside my First Aid class, but it won't be for long as they have to go somewhere else after that.
That's a great story. Thanks for sharing and congratulations!
It is funny that you should post this story right now. I have been painting my nephew's room and started thinking about the emotional affair that H had before he filed for divorce. The more I painted the angrier I become. Do I really want this jerk in my life.
He tells me that he wants to live his life with me because he knows that he could never trust anyone more than me. Why does he deserve someone he can trust, when he acted like such a creep.
Did your H have begin an affair while you two were still together? How are we suppossed to deal with this. Are we suppossed to just forget about it? Are we teaching them that it is OK to screw around on us? I just painted my nephew's room like a mad women thinking about all the emails that H sent this other women while we were still married. When I start thinking about it, I become furious. I think about it less and less as time goes on, but when I do, it just ticks me off. I would NEVER do something like that, I don't care what anybody says. I thought H was the same. He screwed around just after five years of being married. How do I know he just isn't one of those womanizing creeps that I thought I didn't have.
Are there any books out there that I could read? Everyone, how do you get past this and learn to trust someone who has deceived you like this.
Jo, I think your post came at the right time. You give me hope that I can forgive H and learn to trust again. How do you do it? Is is just going to take time. I guess this is a big lesson in forgiveness.
I'm very happy for you and you are an inspiration when I need some. Just look at the back and forth you've been through and you are finally finding great success. Congratulations. You give us hope that no matter how badly things look we can still work things out with X.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My husband had an EA during the M (not a physical affair, though), from October 1998 until April 1999. The girl concerned (and she was only 19) was a criminal and she got him involved in all sorts of crap including burglery, recieving stolen goods, counter-fit goods, aiding and abetting etc etc. He was arrested once but released without charge due to lack of evidence. I had the police having a warrent to search my home and I was pregnant with DD3 at the time.
There were reasons behind all of this though. We had massive financial problems, we had taken 7 months to conceive our child and had a miscarriage etc, then a joint friend of ours from Andy's college days was raped at knife point and beaten so badly she was put in intensive care, and the rapist only recieved a 2 year prison sentance. This friend of ours came to stay with us in our home directly after the trial and that put a massive strain on things, esp. as Andy didn't tell me about the rape to start with. He was dealing with all this depression on his own and didn't think he could share it with me because of all the stuff I'd been through in previous months with the baby etc. The girl he had the EA with was a distraction from all of that.
Then, after the M break up, he had 2 PA's - one three months after we lost another baby (and I had also had one night stands with other men), that was with Mrs Simpson, a 46 year old - and she moved in with him straight away and lived there until last month - although their actual PA only lasted 6 months and according to her was only once in a month as he 'didn't want to'.
Then just recently there has been the second OW2. I know they were friends before, but I think the progression to the physical was a shot-gun reaction to him running off again, as he got her directly after leaving me. He struggles if there isn't a woman in his life in some form, so I view her as a substitute 'me'. That only lasted 3 months, but he has yet to tell her about me, even though the PA is over, so she's not totally out of the picture, but will be soon.
The EA I can forgive him for because he did not have sex with her (I know this definitely), so I know that during the M he was never physically unfaithful to me. This helps me to try and trust him. The first PA I forgive him for as I know he never loved her, and I had also slept with other men, so I could not harbour resentment against him when I'd done it myself.
This time around I am having more difficulty forgiving him because he told me we were getting back together and then WHAM, she's on the scene etc etc. He also doesn't think he's done anything wrong as we are divorced, which I struggle with.
When I slept with him it was different and I found myself thinking 'I wonder if he got that from her?' I no longer feel like the sexual goddess I did before, but I am hoping with time - if he stays this time - that will come back as I regain my confidence.
THINGS WHICH HELP ME DEAL WITH EA/PA'S:
1. There are always reasons which lead to the PA. They never 'just' happen. They happened because he was deeply unhappy and in the case of the EA, I was not there for him when he was going through this awful post-rape trauma and the girl was - she provided him with emotional comfort when I didn't. Therefore I contributed to the EA by my failings as a wife.
2. If you don't forgive them for PA's - then there is no reason for them to change and become better people and they might as well just carry on having PA's if they cannot attain forgiveness.
3. If you get angry about the PA all the time instead of enjoying your husband, you are letting the OW win. You are re-living the affair and carrying it on in your own head.
4. Becoming focused on the affair brings it into the present, instead of in the past where it belongs.
5. If you focus on forgiveness and on your current R with your H, you can build a stronger R and eventually, through that, learn to trust again. By doing this, you can look forward to a happy future with your H, while the OW are the ones who get left in the gutter.
If you DON'T do this, all of you will lose out and end up with nothing, and SHE will have succeeded in destroying your M.
That's what I think to get me through my WAW feelings.
