I promise I'll try my best to keep my feet on the ground. If he wants to further the R then I'll have to bring up OW2 as I am not about to share him with anyone else.
Also, I'll have to talk to him at some point about whether he's serious this time (I take nothing for granted with him) but I think he is as he's never said he loves me on msn like that before, esp. as he knows I record all my msn convos with him. In fact, the only time he ever said ILY was when we were ML last March, and I wasn't sure whether that was genuine because of the intensity of the sitch and I thought he might have just got carried away, but this is different. It's more genuine because he said it in a non-sexual sitch.
Huge step there, Jo - on his part. IMHO, your job is to stay in the same place doing what works, and let him come to you.
I might expect some tests, irritability, disappointing behaviors - all to see if you're changes stick or not. Be prepared to stay positive. I also wouldn't offer any more of the ILYs to him until he earns it by dumping and declaring his dumping to you of OW2.
Well, I am staying put but I still have OW2 to get rid of if he makes anymore moves on me.
I said ILY because he basically asked me what my feelings were earlier in the convo and in person and I would have been lying otherwise. Also, I wanted to make it perfectly clear to him that I can see through his act of not caring. I was helping him to confront it.
This is not good DB'ing for others, but I think in my protracted sitch, things have to be confronted eventually.
He was talking really funny, like now we are the future etc, because I was discussing my book with him and how I got writer's block at the end because I didn't want to finish it as it was like losing everything altogether, and he said 'It's not lost, we've just moved on; it's all still there (love)'
And he was on about how the divorce and the custody thing and everything we've been through were necessary to help us grow as people and that 'we wouldn't have the good things we've got now without that, what we've got is a less 'needy' love.'
And he talked about putting the past behind us and facing a new future etc etc and that I shouldn't be so afraid (I don't know what he thinks I'm afraid of?).
For a man that never discusses R's, this is quite something.
I shall just have to wait and see how this pans out.
I have been reading your posts for a long time now even though I have been too busy to post lately. I just want to thank you for your story. I am kind of in a funk, and your story helped me a lot.
I remember when you posted about the car incident and really felt for you. The good news you posted the last few days has helped me see how things can change quickly for the better. Hang in there. You have a lot of strength Jo. I admire you for that.
I have read your sitch and I think you're letting negativity get to you. It's easy to second guess when we're in fragile situations like this, but this is insecurity.
When you think up some negative reason why he doesn't want to be with you, that is your imagination, not something that he's definitely thinking.
Just be as positive as possible and it will affect him and others around you, and be prepared to make more allowances for his mood, given that he is still coming off drugs.
Your advice did help me a lot. I do sound very negative when I reread my post. I look at you and all the strength you've shown and have a lot of admiration. There are so many strong and positive people on these boards. There isn't an inkling of doubt in my mind that I would have never come as far as I have without the help I have gotton from every person on these boards. Thanks again.
Well, in the convo he actually asked me if I slept with a woman? I said no, and was he feeling intimidated by my sexual history? He said the past is past, and then we were just talking about bills and stuff!
Then at the end of the convo, he said 'see all of you soon x' (as in kiss, not X) and I was thinking, what does he mean, all of us? There's only me here!
Then when I signed off I realised, he meant see all of me as in see all of me!
How slow am I to catch on to that?!
We will have to have a little talk next time he comes round here.
I do have a question for you though, my hope is that maybe we, along with others can help each other for future shall we say "tiffs or DOAs".
W and I have been getting along great, for almost two months things were moving in a positive direction.
Then some real life challenges hit us in the face again, like money issues combined with the kids misbehaving. The pressure mounted this morning when W's employer made a mistake on her paycheck, receiving only $2.50 for a paycheck. By this afternoon we had a major backslide.
In your M, in my M and many others, the stress of daily life takes over. We disagree about how to handle a child or where money is to be spent, or something that a week later seems trivial.
My question is; when we start progressing to the point of having to deal with lifes decisions how do we keep from backsliding like I did today?
In my current R with XW, if money and children are ok, so are we. XW was taking her problems out on the kids, I tried to intervene and I blew it. I don't want this to happen again. I want to learn how to handle life's challeges without it ruining the progress I have made.
Right, firstly if you're trying to intervene when she's dealing with the kids, even if you disagree, you shouldn't be disagreeing in front of them as that shows parental devide and also shows her up in front of them which is going to cause a row.
If that was me and Andy was getting upset with the kids (which he has done) I would either agree with him and then later, when things calmed down, make my suggestions to him, or I would say to the kids to go and play football or do something else to give their father a minute to breathe.
Or I would go up behind him and hug him. That always works well with him at diffusing a row.
He has done similar stuff with me in the past. Like one time we got into this really horrible M talk and I could feel myself getting angry with him and I was going to argue with him and then he suddenly completely changed the subject and said 'BTW, I love your T shirt.'
Well, I was so winded at the sudden change and the compliment from nowhere that I just smiled at him and said thank you and the row was completely forgotten. You could try this distraction technique if things are getting a little heated.
And of course, remember that trivial things are exactly that - trivial. If you try to keep your mind on the bigger picture and incorporate that into your daily life then it makes money seem less important.
I got myself into debt because of having depression and I have told X recently and I just admitted it was a silly thing to do and said 'no more expensive computers for me'. Then he started talking about how he's got more money in than out, and he must be missing something.
I said yes, me, because I'm not spending all his money! He laughed at that. Making a joke out of seemingly serious things can sometimes take the seriousness away.
I guess that just remembering your love is more important than bits of paper and you won't take money with you when you die, well, that helps me.
