To summarize then, Jo: Would you say that the part of the change seen in your sitch that you helped bring about occurred b/c of 1) your demand for respect; boundary setting and 2) increased PMA in his presence?
Well, factors are time, and lots of it. Damage done to a marriage takes as long to fix; being prepared to see it through.
Cutting off from bad behaviour (ie, withdrawing from him etc) and encouraging good behaviour by being positive towards him etc. This also helps me as well as the sitch. This is a way of damanding respect without actually verbally demanding anything, because he gets to realise that I just don't want to know if he is hostile towards me.
In my case, also cessation of depression and cessation of court action helped us to get along with each other (there was no chance while all that was going on) and definitely increased PMA no matter what the circumstance, makes me someone he wants to be around, and makes me more content in myself.
Well, I got in from dance class at 12.30 to find my cell phone ringing and a text from Andy asking when I was in. I phoned back and told him I'd just got in so he said he was coming over.
When he arrived, DD4 was playing out with 2 little lads so my other DD's asked if they could play with them too. Andy said yes, for a bit.
I assumed he wasn't stopping so I went and sat at my desk. He sat down on the sofa and stayed there, so I sat next to him. We just chatted and DD's came in and out the house, chatting to us as well.
Then for some reason I can't remember, he started talking about marriage again and divorce and how stuff happens for a reason and he's trying to grow from it etc. He worded it like he was pleased to have divorced so I felt myself getting upset, and you know how I said I don't cry in front of him? well, I did today.
Except it was very controlled crying, just dabbing my eyes and sniffling a bit, no argument or 'he said this' etc. I apologised for crying and he said 'I really didn't mean it like that. I wasn't referring to you personally. I just meant that we shouldn't be stuck in the past and should concentrate on the future. Don't apologise for crying, they are your emotions. I would rather you are real in front of me.'
WOW - that was a change around from his usual response to tears.
DD3 came in and asked why I was crying. I told her it's because I am Greek and Greek people are famous for Greek tradegies - her mother was one.
Andy laughed at that remark. DD3 was satisfied with this, and went to play in DD4's room with her sisters.
He said 'The last thing I wanted to do was upset you.' He took my hand and squeezed it and because I was already emotional, I just ended up sobbing on his shoulder (wonderful stuff, there Jo). I said 'I'm sorry, Andy, you won't want to ever visit again if you have this mad demented ex-wife bursting into tears at the slightest thing you say!'
He just hugged me and I sat there being held by him for several minutes until I stopped sobbing and then he just looked at me and kissed me - not a platonic kiss, a proper kiss.
DD2 was colouring a picture and came in to give me the picture, and he didn't let go of me, even in front of her.
I apologised to him again in case that shouldn't have happened, but he just smiled at me and stayed holding my hand.
Then we all ate Gingerbread cookies together and I gave the girls some fruit to take home with them, and as I walked him to the door to leave, he kissed me again, properly, in front of our kids, the neighbours kids and people standing on the street.
I whispered 'have a nice evening' in his ear, and he smiled at me and said 'you too' and then they went.
Now I must remember the no sex rule, LOL, and go and welder myself a pair of iron knickers.
It's great to see Andy showing sensitivity and empathy toward you, Jo. His request for being real with you, and desire not to hurt you also was a nice step.
No worries about the crying. You've had a lot on your plate lately.
I'm happy to hear about the wonderful developments in your sitch as of late. I wish we could all be as fortunate as you. It sounds like your XH has done some tremendous growth in the past few weeks.
I hope that it continues to go well. You deserve to receive all that you desire.
I am a frequent lurker of your thread and I am amazed at the recent developments in your sitch. Like Gabe, I have some questions that could provide some clarity for DBers.
I have been physically separated from my DW for over a year since she moved in with the OP and the OP's mother out of state. I still live at the marital home. In the past few months, I have sent DW cards, emails and small gifts related to our pets (we have no children) since she has the cat and I have the dog (they've been together since they were 8 weeks old). In short, DW has become warmer and responsive.
Still no movements toward me or even thinking about moving back home. No conversations at all!! DW doesn't even talk about herself, ask about me or talk about what she does for a living. Nothing of that nature.
I am now struggling with making a decision about my sitch. Should I go all LRT and go dark on my DW? My question to you, Jo, is have you ever gone "dark" on Andy and pulled out the LRT on him? If so, how long was being "dark" in effect? Did it draw out Andy?
I was 'dark' for 1 year on Andy between June 03 and June 04, 'grey' on him from June 04 till December 04, and since then we have had a kind of relationship where he gets scared of commitment ocassionally but then bounces back because underneath his fear, he loves me. I now have to get rid of OW2, his latest committment-free shag, but considering he was French kissing me on my doorstep in broad daylight in front of the kids, I think I am half way to getting rid of her.
I have a few questions to ask re your sitch. How long have you been talking about pets with your DW? The whole time she has been gone or just recently? If you have been previously dark, how did she respond to that? You say she's been positive to your contacts about the pets?
I need more info from you so I can get more of a feel of your sitch, to advise you.
