Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Piglet, thanks for your words of encouragement and the hugs yesterday, I appreciate you stopping by. I somehow missed your post until just now. The way we feel about our Rs is often similar it seems.

I'm beginning to think the best thing I can do when in doubt is to do nothing.

I think you're probably right. Although I strongly disagree with H that I have been irrational this past year, I have no doubted acted on a lot of emotion thereby allowing my emotions to control how I acted. I can see where that may *seem* irrational when no communication is occurring between two people that might otherwise clear up the confusion. So, I'm with you. Do nothing until I can be sure that my emotions aren't jerking me around, cuz I've been there and done that and felt no better for it.

Have you read "In Cold Blood"? Light reading compared to what we've been through.
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I have not read that. I looked it up and it looks intimidating!

I was joking. It's that wry humor I'm so loved and noted for.

Oh, good!! I was feeling like a total slacker there for a while, thinking, jeez is this what smarter people than myself read for fun??!

NY, my C has asked me to sit in her place and pretend I was offering a friend advice, the friend being someone who is telling me all the things I've told her. She's asked me to consider what I would tell them. I would probably tell them to separate, I don't deny that. I completely understand why you feel like I should move on. I probably should move on. But I don't want to move on. I've spent a lot of time feeling wimpy b/c I don't want to move on and I've spent a lot of time feeling like I don't have the right to be unhappy in my R if I'm not willing to move on. My reasons for staying put right now are many, but here's a great one for you. My son's b-day is coming up on Oct 6. I get to be with him, 100% for certain. He's turning 5 and I'm not going to miss a single second. How's that for a great reason to stay where I am? I'm not miserable. I don't spend every day crying. In general, I think my H is an a@@ who has a twisted way of viewing the world. But in general, he's affecting me less and less. So my days with my kids are spent happier than they would have been spent before I found DB and before I found you. So thank you.

Remember that Dr. Phil doesn't say you can make your M work on your own. He says you have to earn your way out. And you have done that in spades.

I love that concept. I too think that I have given it enough time. If this was just about my M, I would say you're right. I've earned my way out. I mean, really, how long am I supposed to continue in a M where I am not allowed in my bed and my H refuses to kiss me? All else aside and even if he never was a jerk again in the manner he has been......I have not kissed my H or slept in my own bed in over 14 months. Yeah, it's been long enough. The thing that I'm having trouble getting past is this: Am I unhappier being married to my H than I would be living half the time without my kids? Not right now, that's for sure. Those little angels are my life and I am their mother....every night I sing Billy Joel's lullabye to my daughter and I tell her "I will never leave you...". She's only two. Maybe someday my happiness in a partner will become more center stage, but right now my kids are my priority. We take vacations. We go out to dinner. We do homework. We play. We are a great family and I can't take that away from themn b/c I cheated on my H and now he is an a@@ to me.

Leave while it's still useful, whether that's tomorrow or next month or five years from now.

I can't imagine that this wouldn't always be the case. It would always still be useful as long as he is the father of my children. If he changed, I would always return whether that's tomorrow or next month or five years from now.

Don't stay until you're less than you are. That won't help them. If you need to be scared silly to see this point I can arrange for you to talk to Steff.

That would be if I left. Less than I am. Honestly, I feel confident that someday my desire for a parnter will come back front and center. When that time comes and I feel like my children are old enough to maintain a secure R with even when I am gone.....I'll lay it on the line with H. And I'll mean it. I might be fat. I might be old. But that's ok. Ya know?

Jabez, I'm so glad that you've somehow been helped by my situation. I appreciate you coming back with your compliments

BTW, on the way home today, I'm listening to Steely Dan Aja instead of MDW KLA. They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, call me Deacon Blues

Good for you!!