Learning to trust myself II

[Burgbud]

One of the great things about the board is you can get so many different opinions so here's mine, worth every bit of the paper it's not written on.

First, let me list the responses you've already gotten that I agree wholeheartedly with:

- Either path will require a lot of strength, and you have enough, so don't be afraid.

- You're a good person for what you are doing. Take care of yourself.

- H is NOT encouraging your feelings of love toward him, but trashing them by his trying to control you, and your feelings of love have diminished, and may have in fact, died. Yes, they can die.

- It's not healthy, and you deserve far better.

- Dr. Phil and Michele arent going through this, you are. They can give us hope that we can improve things when we change our attitudes and action, but they don't have to do it.

Remember that Dr. Phil doesn't say you can make your M work on your own. He says you have to earn your way out. And you have done that in spades. It amazes me how much stronger you've gotten despite so much adversity. That is a real testimony to your character and how far you've come since you were 15 and 17.

It's been awhile in this thread since emotional abuse has been mentioned. But to ML over the course of a year without allowing kissing is emotional abuse in the highest form as far as I'm concerned. And with no apparent plan for that ever changing? In many ways I can identify with Matt, but some of his sh1t just boggles my mind and leaves me gasping.

In the end I think you should listen to everybody on this board and all the authors you've read, absorb what's useful, then ignore everybody and do what's right for you. I know you won't do that from a purely selfish position; that you'll consider the needs of your kids as well. So with that in mind, do what's right for you.

I also want to remind you of a couple of things I've probably mentioned before. I would suggest you keep trying to save this M as long as you must in order to feel justified if and when you leave. But in my view you've long ago reached that place. Remember that a separation is not a divorce. You've got no choice but to wait a year between the two and plenty can happen in that time. Don't do it just to jar Matt into core changes, but realize that may be a positive outcome. I urge you to separate *before* you've passed the point of no return on your M. Do it while there's still some chance and some hope in your soul that if he changes, you two can reconcile. How many of us on this board didn't make the changes we needed until after the bomb? How many of us would love to have a spouse that wanted the R to work post-bomb? When your R reaches that point, don't squander that separation year because you're too far gone for it to be anything other than a waste. Leave while it's still useful, whether that's tomorrow or next month or five years from now. Separation is kind of a nuclear option, but it can still be a powerful weapon in the battle to save your M rather than just a way to dissolve it.


I think my H has already demonstrated he will be very ugly if things came down to a separation. Knowing what I would go through and what my kids would go through if I left keeps me right where I am.

I know, and I hope you know, that's not sustainable. It will break you down if you never get past that idea. Leave while you're still strong and can be great for your kids. Don't stay until you're less than you are. That won't help them. If you need to be scared silly to see this point I can arrange for you to talk to Steff. (I wouldn't wish that on you but hey, whatever it takes.)

Finally, I'd like to repeat this because I like it so much:

Either path will require a lot of strength, and you have enough, so don't be afraid.