Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Anna~
Thanks for your support and words of encouragement.

if it feels like you're throwing your love into a black hole, it must be hard to manufacture new love.

I can't even get to that point where I'm throwing my love anywhere......I just don't have any to throw. So I guess I must have gotten to the point where I couldn't manufacture anymore some time ago. Now I'm just trying to be positive and open the lines of communication, see if we can re-establish a friendship. But I haven't been able to do that. We've been able to re-establish being 'friendly' for the most part, but I can't call him my 'friend'. I know time is supposed to be my friend and all, but I don't see where time will help here. Except maybe in time he will want to be my friend. But my guess is he would say he's being my friend now (or at least as much of a friend to me as I am being to him-there's tracy-logic ). So time probably won't convince him any different.

Look at the next few days as a well-earned vacation. Don't try to fix anything in your R,

You make me sound too saintly, lol. I really haven't been doing much, just reading a lot and failing miserably at the applications. Dr. Phil's book is great, don't get me wrong. But it focuses a lot on your partner and getting to know them again, what their likes and dislikes are, what goals they haven't met that they wanted to, etc. Those instructions have been hard for me to read believe it or not because I have such strong feelings against my H that I even have trouble *reading* about learning to like him again, much less actually doing the work. So dear Anna, I haven't earned such a great vacation after all, I'm just wallowing in the "But I don't want to do it". In my defense, I'm not sure if I don't want to do it because it's hard work and I'm afraid or if it's b/c my feelings are dead as NY has suggested.

I can see you getting stronger every day. Either path will require a lot of strength, and you have enough, so don't be afraid.

THANK YOU.

Jabez~
Thanks to you as well for the support.

This morning I was listening to the first KLA CD and when Michelle started talking about how one person can make effective changes quickly in their relationship, I rolled my eyes and thought "Yeah right".

That's where I'm at man!!

Read a kids book to your kids.

I read to S4 every night before bed, but more as a ritual than for pure enjoyment. Good idea, tonight I will read a book to *both* of them, just for enjoyment.

I found it interesting that H thinks that you were irrational, noticed you've changed, but that you're still irrational. That doesn't make sense to me.

Well, he didn't say what the changes *were*. Only that I was 'human' again. So, he left it pretty open-ended. As usual, no specifics even when asked.

You're a good person for what you are doing.

Thanks. At the risk of sounding like I'm fishing for a compliment, could I ask you to expand here a little? What is it that you think I'm doing and how does it make me a good person? Just curious if you're talking about the values of saving a marriage or if you see something specific in my situation that makes me seem like a good person.

NY~
I want to say thank you for your continued support. You've been my rock since I came to this site.

He doesn't have the power to do that, Heather. Think about this.

Well unless I want to become controlling like he is, I don't see where I can stop the porn or the outings while he's away. As far as being barred from my bedroom, I've already tried to re-enter and it got physical. The only thing he can't control is how I react or feel about what he's doing. And I can certainly act. But deep down, I have to be honest with myself. These things SUCK! So, I can act like he doesn't control me by doing these things, but the reality that I cannot deny is that he does have the power to control me with these things.

"lover is a verb or a choice" isn't about having loving "feelings". It's about acting with love.

I'm about to say something really WASish that I think I should probably know the answer to by now, but here goes: How can I act with love when I don't feel any love for him? Yes, that is a real question.

H is NOT encouraging your feelings of love toward him, but trashing them by his trying to control you, and your feelings of love have diminished, and may have in fact, died. Yes, they can die.

This is where I get confused. For me, the feelings can die? But for every other WAS on this board, they are just hiding, running, deluded, selfish....you get it. Why do I get to be so lucky?? Lucky enough to be able to walk feeling confident that my feelings died and there's nothing I could have done about it b/c H wasn't willing to do the work to change. This is where I start to feel like I feel when I confide in my family. I know they care about me and don't want to see me hurting. But don't treat me preferentially b/c you haven't heard H's side of the story.
However, I have to admit that when I start feeling angry and frustrated, it's what I want to hear. I want to hear that I deserve better and that I've tried. I want to hear that my A doesn't justify all the bad things that have since happened nor does it excuse or erase all the bad things that happened prior. When people say that to me, I know they care about me. But it makes me wonder if all I've really done is brought yet another person over to 'my side'.

Have you read "In Cold Blood"? Light reading compared to what we've been through.

I have not read that. I looked it up and it looks intimidating! I have to be honest that light reading to me is Nicholas Sparks, lol.